February 20 – High gas costs even affect we canines!
February 21, 2012 at 3:07 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 7 CommentsTags: Books, Cooking, dogs, economy, Humor, life, publishing, Reading, Writing
“Well, it’s finally starting to affect us.” Fifi the poodle looked indignant.
“What’s starting to affect us?” I asked.
“The price of gas!” She said it like we should have known what was bothering her. But then Fifi is a narcissist of the first order. If anything disturbs her ego-centric world she believes everyone else should be aware of what’s inconveniencing her and break their necks to eliminate her problem. She spends too much time around people. “My human canceled my grooming appointment. I can’t bear the thought of looking shaggy and plebian like Heintz or Gertrude.”
Gertrude, our resident dachshund, has a habit of looking like she just emerged from a rabbit hole and a muddy one at that. Heintz? What can I say? Maybe he can register as a new breed – “Slobovian Mut.” Missing her weekly trim wouldn’t put Fifi’s looks into either of their categories. Not even close. But, knowing how Fifi’s ego works, I had to get a tad catty. “That’s too bad, you are looking a little ragged.”
Lucy and Barbie our neighborhood’s twin Cockers seized on my remark and twisted the knife a bit. “You do look a little misshapen. What do you think Barbie? Her chest cut is lopsided to the left.”
Barbie said, “Yep. And, the ball on her tail looks more like a watermelon than a tennis ball.”
“I simply can’t be seen in public this way.” Fifi looked thoroughly distressed. That’s a good thing. She began pulling on her leash so hard her human was whisked away like she was skiing over the pavement.
The five of us that remained had a good woof over the whole thing. If Fifi had thought about her problem on her own, we’d have been more understanding, but she’s picked up the human habit of listening to others conversation and adopting it as her own. Our humans were talking about the rising cost of gas…so. I think I’ll take the time to warn her of overly identifying with Homo sapiens. You can only do so much slumming before you trash up yourself.
“I hate to agree with the French on anything, but…” Sarge the German shepherd took a deep breath, “My human put off going to the store yesterday. Said she could get by on what was in the pantry for another week. Stretch things out ’cause of the cost of gas. That includes my treats. I’m on half rations until next Wednesday.
Lucy turned her head to Barbie. “That might explain why two out of our last three trips to the dog park were canceled.”
“Or why our humans got the bicycles down from the spot where they hang in the garage,” Barbie added. “I hate having to run next to those things instead of riding in the car.”
“Oh, oh, oh, oh, it’s a good thing at our house.” Manny, the hood’s cock-eyed optimist was shaking so hard you could have made a malt by attaching a glass to his back. Chihuahua’s vibrate easily anyway. “We all lose weight when the price of gas goes up…well, except for me.”
I felt sorry for my little friend. His pride wouldn’t allow him to accept pity. “That’s too bad, Manny. How much does it cut down on what your family can spend on food?”
“Oh, oh, oh, oh, nothing. We buy just as much.”
“Then why does your family lose weight, Manny?” Sarge asked.
“Oh, oh, oh, oh, my man human makes his own gas.”
“Little buddy, you’re not making sense,” I said.
“Oh, oh, oh, oh, yes I am. I’ll explain it to you. When the cost of gas goes up, my human gets mad and upset. When my human gets mad and upset, he gets indigestion. When he gets indigestion, his stomach produces gas. When he produces gas, he farts constantly. When he farts constantly, my woman human and the kids can’t eat Those farts are real industrial grade, fumigation strength, sheet-rotters. She no cooks much, so the man don’t eat either. Everybody loses weight.” Manny grinned. “But…they smell just fine to me so I get more left-overs than usual plus my regular food.”
“Sounds logical to me,” Lucy said.
“Simple cause and effect,” Barbie conjectured.
“Elementary, my dear Watson.” I chuckled. Humoring Manny is the best way to deal with him.
Sarge rolled his eyes, shook his head, and walked away.
Manny thought hard for several seconds, then asked, “Oh, oh, oh, oh, Sandy…Is Watson your new boyfriend?”
###
June 5 – Lie detectors, pedals, windmills, and Beano – A solution to the worlds problems?
June 4, 2009 at 2:01 pm | Posted in Books, Current events, dogs, economy, Humor, Media, News, Politics, publishing, Reading, TV, Uncategorized, Writing | 6 CommentsTags: animal tales, Books, Congress, conservative, dogs, economy, Fox & Friends, Fox News, Humor, liberal, Media, Politics, publishing, Reading, Writing
“Why do you do that?” I watched the Geezer Gator get his tide marker out for his monthly update. Each full moon he measures the level of the high tide from the top of the sea wall and records its height on a strip of wood. He’s done this since I’ve been here in our Southwest Florida home– that’s 2 1/2 years.
”It’s my version of a lie detector, Sandy.” The old boy looked at the stick and grunted. “I’ll set this out so I don’t miss marking it. Full moon is on the 7th. I forgot last month.”
“You okay? You haven’t fallen and bumped your head? Or developed malaria? Maybe we should take your temperature.” Once in a while I get concerned about the old boy’s mental state. I figure there must be rust on that brain of his. “How on earth can that serve as a lie detector?”
The Geezer Gator laughed. “I can understand your confusion. This started ‘BS.’ That’s ‘before Sandy.’ Five years ago when the flap about global warming was peaking, I decided to do a little survey for myself. I’ve owned this place on an ocean-connected canal for 29 years. I hadn’t noticed any difference in the water level, but unless you recorded the actual height would you really know? It’s pretty important since the information some folks have been putting out is that this property will be under water in a few years. I decided to find out for myself. Was the book “An Inconvenient Truth” fact, or just “A Politically Motivated Lie?”
“And the answer is?” I asked.
The Geezer shuffled through a stack of papers stored by the stick. “In the 63 observations I’ve made, the net increase is 3/16 inches. That’s in about five years. Actually, it’s gone down a couple times. Since the average high tide level is 29″ from the seawall top, and if I use the 5 year rate of increase it means the seawall top will be breached in 773 years. What do you think, Sandy?”
“Liar, liar, pants on fire!”
”That’s my deduction too, Sandy. But, lets remember there are a lot of factors that may change. And, while the increase is insignificant, it is an increase. Things could get worse. China and India are just really getting started on putting autos on the road. The global economy is developing new industrial capabilities and power requirements world wide.” He got his sly, ’my tongue is in my cheek,’ look. “And of course, there’s the continuing problem of animal life producing all those pollutants.”
“Sounds like none of that is going to change.”
“Let the liars, I mean politicians, have some time to dream up ways to make it appear like they’re working on the problems while at the same time strengthening their political power and padding the pockets of their friends and business partners.”
“That sounds pretty cynical to me, Geezer.” I have to keep the old boy in line. “Just how would they go about that?”
The old boy rubbed his mustache and looked into space hoping a friendly alien would beam down an answer. Amazingly one must have. He smiled and said, “Bicycle pedals, Windmills, and Beano.”
I couldn’t believe my ears. “Geezer, what are you talking about? How do those three do anything to solve the problems of more cars in the emerging economies, the need for more power, gases in the atmosphere? For example, China and India already have huge numbers of bicycles.”
“Did I say bicycles? I didn’t say bicycles. It’s pedals, pedals, pedals. In fact, the politicians will tell you that pedals solve the unemployment problem as well. We’ll hook up those pedals to electrical generators, have the unemployed turn them in shifts, convert all cars to electric, and have GE make the conversion kits.”
I enjoy a spoof as much as the next canine. I played along, “What if there aren’t enough people unemployed?”
“No problem. The government will simply decree that ALL people must spend two hours, or what ever it takes, on the power tread mills. Freedom is no longer an issue, government can do anything, like set salaries, cancel debts, bankrupt businesses, make value judgements of a persons mental judgments based on race and gender. Why not tell us we have to do our part for the collective?”
No sense reasoning with the Geezer when he gets those hypotheticals rolling. He always seems to come up with another tale. I decided to move on. “The windmills are for generating power, right?”
“Yep. GE will have a monopoly on that, too. So that fits. Might be able to use some of the unemployed to blow on the blades. The government is creating more of those folks in the auto industry by producing more cars in China. They could set up a couple windmills in the studios of MSNBC, CBS, CNN, ABC, FOX, and NBC so that something usable comes out of those blow hards.”
“I’ll drink to that!” I had to agree. I cautiously asked, “Butttt..What about the Beano? Explain that.”
”Sure, Sandy. We can get the government to hire Haliburton to clandestinely put Beano in all foods for humans and all domestic animals, world wide. Think of the impact. Less methane to attack the Ozone layer. You can eat leftovers without fumigating the house for roaches. Cows won’t poot in pastures decreasing the mating urges of bull frogs and crickets thereby eliminating those surplus populations. I won’t ever have to worry about cutting a fart in a crowded elevator, having to look at the guy next to me like he did it, while waving my hand in front of my nose and saying, “Some People.”
I shook my head and said, “Geezer, really.”
He laughed. “Okay Sandy, I take it all back except for one thing.”
My paw covered my squinted eyes because I had to ask. “And…what’s that?”
“Politicians are liars.”
You can’t argue with a universal truth.
###
May 15 – Out whating?
May 16, 2009 at 1:57 pm | Posted in Books, Current events, dogs, economy, Humor, Media, News, publishing, Reading, TV, Uncategorized, Writing | 1 CommentTags: animal tales, Books, dogs, economy, Entertainment, Fox & Friends, Fox News, Humor, publishing, Reading, Writing
“Hey, Geezer, what’s out-housing?”
The Geezer Gator looked at me as though I’d eaten loco weed. “Out-housing?” he repeated. “Are you sure? You know plenty about that already. That’s what you do every morning when we take our walk.”
I gave him my, you’re a smart ass, look. “Geezer, I do lots of things each morning. Give me a break.”
“I guess being city born and a youngster you don’t know what an outhouse is. An outhouse is what folks used before toilets and indoor plumbing. It literally was a small house located “out” or away from peoples’ homes.”
“Oh.” I still was unclear about the word.
“Sandy, you sure you wanted to know about out-housing? How was the word used?” The Geezer could see I was confused.
“I heard Mrs. Gator and Mrs. Zoomers talking about how the Smith’s were in deep doggy dew because of the out-housing happening at Mr. Smiths company. Mrs. Zoomer said the Smiths were about to lose their house.” I scratched my ear with my paw. “I guess that makes sense, but wouldn’t they be in deep human poo, not doggy dew?”
The old boy grinned the way he does when I do something dumb, like the time I tried to eat a bottle of Tabasco. “You need to improve your eavesdropping skills. I think you got the words wrong or mixed together, Sandy. I think you heard them talking about outsourcing.”
“Out-whating?” I asked.
“Outsourcing. That’s when a company decides to buy materials or services they previously did for themselves.”
”Hmmmm. Why would a company do that? Don’t the people they buy it from have to make a profit? Wouldn’t it cost more?” It didn’t sound logical to me.
“That might be hard for you to understand. It gets complicated.”
“Try me.” I wanted to add, it might be for human brains, but not for my sharp canine intellect.
“It has to do with costs. Sometimes you can get something done cheaper by another company because of the machinery they have or the technology they use, but most frequently it’s because of cheap labor and often the labor is cheap because it’s not in the US. They call that offshore outsourcing.”
“That’s not difficult to understand, Geezer. But, how does that effect the Smiths?”
“Well, when a company outsources, it gets rid of the expense it had to make the part or perform the service. Mr. Smith’s job was to do work his company decided to outsource.”
“Oh, then Mr. Smith has to get a job somewhere else, right?”
“Yes, but a lot of companies are doing that so it’s hard to find jobs now.”
“Okay, but…..” I still didn’t understand the logic.
“But, what?”
The Geezer was grinning at me, but I had to ask anyway. “If people keep outsourcing, how do you humans buy the things you need? Won’t the companies that saved the money not gain anything because the humans they sell to can’t afford it and they’ll have to reduce their price or go out of business? A few people will make out like bandits for a short time, but everybody gets clobbered in the long run.”
“You’re right Sandy! That makes you smarter than most professors at Harvard, all our politicians, and the Wall Street crowd.”
Of course, the Geezer didn’t have to tell me that.
# # #
October 8 – Where’s the bailout today? Striking back at those that screwed us. A list of those who voted for the bailout.
October 9, 2008 at 2:19 pm | Posted in Current events, economy, Elections, Media, News, Politics, TV | 4 CommentsTags: Congress, conservative, Democrat, economy, Elections, Fox News, liberal, News, Politics, Republican
So how are things for you today? A whole lot better? Has that 700 billion dollars of Wall Street Welfare that had to be passed immediately by our slime bag congress, solved the problems? Remember, Fox and the other networks said the world would perish tomorrow, has it? Has the Market stopped tanking? Have you seen the effort made by the networks to justify their propaganda effort to support the bailout for their Wall Street friends? Have you noticed that Paulson appointed a Goldman Sachs henchman to be the czar for the distribution of the spoils? How about the $400,000 celebration party held by one group of execs (AIG) after they got their bailout? How about the fact the same group was then given ANOTHER $30 billion loan after this? Had enough yet?
What we can do is vote out the manure that voted for the bill to restore wealth to the very idiots that caused this problem for us. No matter what your political philosophy a vote against these folks is a vote to insure you can maintain your democratic rights to practice being a liberal or a conservative or a centrist. The House and Senate members who supported this gift for their power broker friends obviously don’t care about the will of their constituents and justify their vote by saying that, “I had to do it to save the economy because the people don’t know enough to understand the problem.” Oh yeah? We understand the problem, its the large number of lice in congress. And the bottom feeders and traitors in the media that are their allies.
Here’s a list of things we can do.
1) Find out if your Representative or Senator voted FOR the bailout and VOTE AGAINST them in November! There is a list of all the thieves at the end of this post. If they’re unopposed, write in “Mickey Mouse,” as a protest.
2) Call your senator, if he voted for the bailout, and ask… what is required to recall a sitting senator– a constitutional amendment? How do we get started getting this done? These SOBs feel because they have 6 year terms they have a license to steal. They’ll either get the message or we’ll have a way to get rid of them.
3) Equally important is to support those honest and principled congress members that voted against the bill. Give their office a brief call. It’s important to let them know we appreciate their statesmanship. They keep track of such things.
4) Email both presidential candidates and tell them how despicable you think their lack of courage was for failing to oppose the bailout.
5) Contact your representative and ask her/him to do what should have been done when the original bill was up — pass rules as to how the bailout gift is distributed, including: a mechanism to force the funds to be released into the credit market directly, that the current czar appointee (part of the problem industry) be immediately removed and someone like Buffet or Romney be put in place, remove Paulson from any future involvement, and be sure that no one gets big comp packages and paid vacations like AIG. (Send those folks to jail)
6) Let people like FOX News know your anger with the congress extends to them as well. Deluge their email sites with scalding remarks. Don’t support their new projects like their new business channel, the books (probably ghost written) they sell through name recognition of their personalities, contact cable and dish companies about dropping them, and contact their advertisers to protest. TUNE OUT FOX PROGRAMS FOR ONE WEEK STARTING 10/12 to show them our rejection of dishonest journalism.
7) PASS THIS INFO TO EVERYONE YOU CAN. To make it easy, copy this address and send it on to friends and associates. SandySays1.wordpress.com
Here is the list of those voting for and against the bailout.
VOTING FOR THE BILL. These are the folks to vote out.
Senate-
Murkowski AK, Stevens AK, Pryor AR, Lincoln AR, Kyl AZ, MCCAIN AZ, Boxer CA, Feinstein CA, Salazar CO, Leiberman CT, DODD CT, Carper DE, BIDEN CT, Martinez FL, Isakson GA, Chambliss GA, Akaka HI, Inouye HI, Harkin IA, Grassley IA, Craig ID, OBAMA IL, Durbin IL, Bayh IN, Lugar IN, McConnell KY, Kerry MA, Cardin MD, Mikulski MD, Collins ME, Snowe ME, Levin MI, Klobuchar MN, Coleman MN, McCaskill MO, Bond MO, Baucus MT, Burr NC, Conrad ND, Nelson NE, Hagel NE, Sununu NH, Gregg NH, Menendez NJ, Lautenberg NJ, Bingaman NM, Domenici NM, Ensign NV, Reid NV, Clinton NY, Schumer NY, Brown OH, Voinovich OH, Coburn OK, Smith OR, Wyden OR, Casey PA, Specter PA, Whitehouse RI, Reed RI, Graham SC, Thune SD, Corker TN, Alexander TN, Cornyn TX, Hutchison TX, Bennett, UT, Hatch UT, Webb VA, Warner VA, Sanders VT, Leahy VT, Murray WA, Kohl WI, Rockefeller WV, Byrd WV,
THOSE SENATORS WHO VOTED AGAINST THE BAILOUT - THE GOOD GUYS!!!!
Sessions AL, Shelby AL, Allard CO, Nelson FL, Crapo ID, Roberts KS, Brownback KS, Bunning KY, Vitter LA, Landieu LA, Stabenow MI, Wicker MS, Cochran MS, Tester MT, Dole NC, Dorgan ND, Inhofe OK, Wyden OR, DeMint SC, Johnson SD, Sanders VT, Cantwell WA, Feingold WI, Barrasso WY, Enzi WY.
Those House members voting for the bailout. VOTE THESE PEOPLE OUT!!!
| Abercrombie Ackerman Alexander Allen Andrews Arcuri Baca Bachus Baird Baldwin Barrett (SC) Bean Berkley Berman Berry Biggert Bishop (GA) Bishop (NY) Blunt Boehner Bonner Bono Mack Boozman Boren Boswell Boucher Boustany Boyd (FL) Brady (PA) Brady (TX) Braley (IA) Brown (SC) Brown, Corrine Buchanan Calvert Camp (MI) Campbell (CA) Cannon Cantor Capps Capuano Cardoza Carnahan Carson Castle Clarke Cleaver Clyburn Coble Cohen Cole (OK) Conaway Cooper Costa Cramer Crenshaw Crowley Cubin Cuellar Cummings Davis (AL) Davis (CA) Davis (IL) Davis, Tom DeGette DeLauro Dent Dicks Dingell Donnelly Doyle Dreier Edwards (MD) Edwards (TX) Ehlers Ellison Ellsworth Emanuel Emerson Engel Eshoo Etheridge Everett Fallin Farr Fattah Ferguson Fossella |
Foster Frank (MA) Frelinghuysen Gerlach Giffords Gilchrest Gonzalez Gordon Granger Green, Al Gutierrez Hall (NY) Hare Harman Hastings (FL) Herger Higgins Hinojosa Hirono Hobson Hoekstra Holt Honda Hooley Hoyer Inglis (SC) Israel Jackson (IL) Jackson-Lee (TX) Johnson, E. B. Kanjorski Kennedy Kildee Kilpatrick Kind King (NY) Kirk Klein (FL) Kline (MN) Knollenberg Kuhl (NY) LaHood Langevin Larsen (WA) Larson (CT) Lee Levin Lewis (CA) Lewis (GA) Lewis (KY) Loebsack Lofgren, Zoe Lowey Lungren, Daniel E. Mahoney (FL) Maloney (NY) Markey Marshall Matsui McCarthy (NY) McCollum (MN) McCrery McGovern McHugh McKeon McNerney McNulty Meek (FL) Meeks (NY) Melancon Miller (NC) Miller, Gary Miller, George Mitchell Mollohan Moore (KS) Moore (WI) Moran (VA) Murphy (CT) Murphy, Patrick Murtha Myrick Nadler Neal (MA) Oberstar Obey Olver Ortiz |
Pallone Pascrell Pastor Pelosi Perlmutter Peterson (PA) Pickering Pomeroy Porter Price (NC) Pryce (OH) Putnam Radanovich Rahall Ramstad Rangel Regula Reyes Reynolds Richardson Rogers (AL) Rogers (KY) Ros-Lehtinen Ross Ruppersberger Rush Ryan (OH) Ryan (WI) Sarbanes Saxton Schakowsky Schiff Schmidt Schwartz Scott (GA) Sessions Sestak Shadegg Shays Shuster Simpson Sires Skelton Slaughter Smith (TX) Smith (WA) Snyder Solis Souder Space Speier Spratt Sullivan Sutton Tancredo Tanner Tauscher Terry Thompson (CA) Thornberry Tiberi Tierney Towns Tsongas Upton Van Hollen Velázquez Walden (OR) Walsh (NY) Wamp Wasserman Schultz Waters Watson Watt Waxman Weiner Welch (VT) Weldon (FL) Weller Wexler Wilson (NM) Wilson (OH) Wilson (SC) Wolf Woolsey Wu Yarmuth |
These are the heroes that voted against the bailout — send them your thanks !!!!!
| Aderholt Akin Altmire Bachmann Barrow Bartlett (MD) Barton (TX) Becerra Bilbray Bilirakis Bishop (UT) Blackburn Blumenauer Boyda (KS) Broun (GA) Brown-Waite, Ginny Burgess Burton (IN) Butterfield Buyer Capito Carney Carter Castor Cazayoux Chabot Chandler Childers Clay Conyers Costello Courtney Culberson Davis (KY) Davis, David Davis, Lincoln Deal (GA) DeFazio Delahunt Diaz-Balart, L. Diaz-Balart, M. Doggett Doolittle Drake Duncan English (PA) Feeney Filner Flake Forbes Fortenberry Foxx Franks (AZ) Gallegly Garrett (NJ) Gillibrand Gingrey |
Gohmert Goode Goodlatte Graves Green, Gene Grijalva Hall (TX) Hastings (WA) Hayes Heller Hensarling Herseth Sandlin Hill Hinchey Hodes Holden Hulshof Hunter Inslee Issa Jefferson Johnson (GA) Johnson (IL) Johnson, Sam Jones (NC) Jordan Kagen Kaptur Keller King (IA) Kingston Kucinich Lamborn Lampson Latham LaTourette Latta Linder Lipinski LoBiondo Lucas Lynch Mack Manzullo Marchant Matheson McCarthy (CA) McCaul (TX) McCotter McDermott McHenry McIntyre McMorris Rodgers Mica Michaud Miller (FL) Miller (MI) |
Moran (KS) Murphy, Tim Musgrave Napolitano Neugebauer Nunes Paul Payne Pearce Pence Peterson (MN) Petri Pitts Platts Poe Price (GA) Rehberg Reichert Renzi Rodriguez Rogers (MI) Rohrabacher Roskam Rothman Roybal-Allard Royce Salazar Sali Sánchez, Linda T. Sanchez, Loretta Scalise Scott (VA) Sensenbrenner Serrano Shea-Porter Sherman Shimkus Shuler Smith (NE) Smith (NJ) Stark Stearns Stupak Taylor Thompson (MS) Tiahrt Turner Udall (CO) Udall (NM) Visclosky Walberg Walz (MN) Westmoreland Whitfield (KY) Wittman (VA) Young (AK) Young (FL) |
The house results are courtesy of williamssoapbox.wordpress.com If you want to find out who your local rep is, check your phone book or one of my previous posts that give state and district. Its easy to find out who they are.
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September 17 – Fartology
September 17, 2008 at 5:37 pm | Posted in Current events, Humor, News, Reading, Writing | 3 CommentsTags: Current events, economy, energy, Humor, Reading, Writing
“Sorry, Sandy.” The Geezer Gator waved his hand in front of his nose. “I shouldn’t eat broccoli and baked beans at the same meal.”
I was glad we were sitting on the dock and there was a gentle breeze to dissipate the flatulence hovering around us. “Geezer, that was really bad. I’m glad you don’t smoke. Lighting a match right now would cause an explosion. That was a real high octane release.”
“It was a sheet rotter. I hope it doesn’t turn that beautiful golden coat of yours green,” the Geezer quipped. He looked at me and grinned. “You know, maybe you should contact that T. Boone Pickens fellow and give him an idea for another source of natural gas.”
It took a few seconds for his words to register, my mind being slowed by lethargy from sleep and the cloud of methane encircling us. “Oh, you mean the guy that’s running the TV advertisements for windmills and natural gas to fuel cars?”
“Uh-huh, that’s T. Boone Pickens.”
“How much broccoli and baked beans can you consume?” I jested. “Seems you might wear out parts of yourself pretty fast.”
The Geezer laughed. “Hey, no single sourcing. Think about the possibilities. There’s so much gas being released by cows alone it’s polluting the atmosphere more than automobiles, if I remember a TV program I saw, correctly.”
I went along with the flow, “Yep, a completely renewable source of energy. Just collect it and burn it. All our energy problems are about to be solved!”
“Who’d of thought that something as simple as the common fart would save mankind.” The breeze blew the last of the “rotten eggs” smell away.
“Now all we have to do is to collect them, Geezer.”
”That’s the beautiful part of your idea, Sandy.” The Geezer’s mind was churning. I could hear the old rusty gears squealing and clashing as they neared full speed. “Think about all the satellite industries and disciplines that your idea will spawn. They may end up naming some kind of economic event after you. I can see it now – The Sandy Cycle.”
“Like what?”
“Oh, just think of it.” The Gator held his fingers up and tugged at one. “We’ll need to manufacture fart collectors. Lots of them. Think of the jobs that will create. And fart strainers, that’s a must. We’ll need a fart acquisition and distribution system, one that allows us to determine the octane rating so it can be sold like gasoline is now.” The old boy tried to keep a straight face. “Whole industries will be born.”
“Who’s going to develop all this?” I prompted him, though I’m sure he didn’t need it.
He tugged at his second finger. “No problem. A new field of science will develop, Fartology! Our leading universities will soon be turning out fartologists that study all facets of the discipline. They’ll study fart formation, composition, conservation, utilization, everything. I can see Harvard and Yale bragging about their graduates like they do Bush and Clinton. They’ll smell about the same.”
I nodded, “That sure is true. Probably will spike deodorant and deodorizer sales. I’ll look into buying stock, if there’s a stock market left after the government dabbles in it.”
“Speaking about government, think of all the agencies it will create.” The Geezer tugged at a third finger. “There will be the Department of Farts and Feces. There will be groups studying foods best suited for fart formation, the toxic effect of farts on the Amazon rain forest, and, of course, quality inspectors from FDA. Think of the graft and corruption potential. The politicians will love it. Even the IRS will get their nose into the business as they sniff around for those villainous -”fart syphoners.”
“Interesting. Who do you think would be appointed to run the Department of Farts?” I asked.
“Sandy, it will take two highly qualified individuals to run such a branch. I think Keith Obermann and Ann Coulter would be great nominees.”
”Agreed!” I shouted. “I can’t think of two people that are more full of it!”
September 14 – Sometimes two isn’t enough!
September 16, 2008 at 2:02 pm | Posted in Current events, Elections, Media, News, Politics, TV, Uncategorized | Leave a commentTags: Current events, economy, Election, Obama, Politics
Wow, it’s hot in SW Florida today. In our canal, the mother Manatee and her calf aren’t spending any more time than necessary on the surface where the water’s warmest. It’s only 9:30 and the temp is rising fast. Of course, the heat generated by the Geezer Gator ain’t helping. He was watching Fox & Friends this morning and something was said that got his underwear all twisted. Don’t get me wrong, we both agree Fox News is the least worst choice for watching what used to be news journalism. But, once in a while something gets said that sets him off. Let me reword–once a day.
Gas prices were being discussed. That stormy fellow Ike created a short supply. After a rant about price gouging, Geezer resumed listening. Someone made a point about U.S. supply and demand affecting pricing and that started him fuming again; I let him vent. When we sat on the dock and he was more lucid, I asked why the melt down.
The Geezer took a deep breath before explaining. “I wish the idiots on TV would have some idea what they’re talking about, or say they’re out-right lying about the economy. They talk about “our free enterprize system.” It would be nice if we lived under one. They need to reread Milton Friedman (economist considered the father of the capitalistic economic theory Reagen followed). There needs to be strong competition with many forces in each market segment, free flow of capital, and no central control. We don’t have that. Wall Street and government inaction are the culprits. Anti-trust actions are dead and that dooms our system as surely as the rediculous taxes and restrictions placed on industry.”
I”ll spare you Geezer’s 30 minute tirade about the disconnect between Wall Street and Main Street, other than a reference during his comments about the decline of our economy. Maybe that’s a subject for another time.
“The talking heads on TV fail to mention that we exported more than jobs the last 20 years, we exported our economy.” The Geezer was preaching to the Manatees. “When I was traveling overseas, the thing that foriegn business people I visited envied most about the U.S. was the huge disposable income the bulk of our population enjoyed. Since we created most of the world’s demand, we had real input on what we’d pay for oil and other raw materials. Now the rest of the world is catching up at geometric rate because we’ve shifted much of that demand to countries like China and India by shifting production to those places. We don’t have the power to affect pricing in the same way because we’re no longer the only show in town. Guess what, Sandy, there are a lot more Chinamen than there are of us. What the Wall Street idiots still don’t understand, is what Main Street is discovering, when you remove disposable income from the bulk of the people, the economy has to recede. It’s trickling up now. People can only buy and consume on credit until that rubber band snaps. The demand we contolled which allowed us to manipulate pricing is quickly fading.”
“Gosh, Geezer, does that mean we’re going to end up a second rate country?” That sure doesn’t sound good.”
“It isn’t. It’s the price of having 16 consecutive years of incompetent government. I’d hoped we’d get a good choice for President this time. No such luck! Now we have to pick bewteen a Marxist and a guy who is more concerned in protecting cheap illegal labor for his ag pals than the economy.”
“You really think that we’re going to become a second rate country?”
“No, Sandy, but it could happen. We need to get two or three additional strong political parties to challenge the “Demonists” and “Republislimes.” They’ve proven they no longer give a damn about the people they pretend to represent. All you have to hear is the disdain Obama has for us average folks, “clinging to our religion and guns,” and McCain’s ignoring the people’s anger over illegal immigration and picking individuals like Graham who calls us “whiners” as a key advisor. It’s too easy to control the two parties we have now. The reason you hear so much negative about adding parties is that power brokers know they’d lose a lot of control, so they fight it like hell. Look at the networks’ coverage of “3rd parties”- all of them.”
“What if we don’t, Geezer?”
The Geezer reached behind him, pushed down on an imaginary handle and simulated the sound of toilet flushing.
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Geezer’s latest book
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