Tags: Agents, Books, dogs, family, Humor, life, publishing, Reading, Reviews, Writing
It seems like forever since I’ve had my paws on the computer keyboard. You probably have already guessed the Geezer has been away and that precludes my access to “our” internet accounts. Before he left he said, “Oh, I won’t be gone long. I’ll be back so quick you won’t even think about it.” Of course, I knew those remarks were placating, not truthful. In Doganese we classify that kind of speech under the category called, “Humanaucity Bullus Shittus.”
My buddy Oreo, eaves dropped as the Geezer and I discussed his prolonged absence. When I asked him what took him so long to get back, about the only excuse he didn’t use was that I’d eaten his homework. Oreo’s feline tail twitched. There were weather problems…rain, snow, hail, tornadoes, volcano eruptions, asteroid showers…and whether problems…he didn’t know whether to go to this or that event, or take this or that road, or stay at this or that hotel. The cat rolled his eyes in disbelief. The Geezer claimed he forgot several things and had to retrace his steps and repeat tasks. I can believe that; he’d forget his ass if it weren’t so big and firmly attached. My black and white friend rolled on his back, his belly heaving with repressed laughter.
After a series of apologies that fall under a similar Doganese sub-category “Humanaucity Bullus Insincereioso Shittus” Oreo and I were left alone to ponder whether the Geezer really believed we were that stupid. Oreo looked skyward and purred, “If you’re going to lie you should at least try to be good at it.”
I was steamed. I love the Geezer, but it infuriates me when he won’t just come out with the plain unvarnished truth. “Damn it Oreo, I wish he’d just say… sorry. I screwed up…and let it go at that.”
“That’s just the human way.” Oreo stretched his front legs out in front of him, pushing his rear high in the air at the same time. He looked out the window. “Look, Sandy, the Night Herons are back building nests again this year.” Oreo licked his chops, a feline reflex for he’d abandoned any form of hunting for a cushy inside-the-house life.
“Humans don’t seem to bother you much,” I said.
“The Geezer doesn’t.” Oreo got a sly grin on his face. The cat had seen some rough younger years before he came to live with us. “You have to rub a lot of legs before you find your prince.” He looked very wise and provided some sage advice. “Sandy, when you’re warm, well taken care of and fed regularly…bark less and wag more. You may quote me.”
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Tags: Books, Christmas, dogs, family, holidays, Humor, life, publishing, Reading, Writing
It’s getting close to the time old Santa will hitch the reindeer to the sleigh, pack his sack with goodies and leave the North Pole for places south. I’ve been busy helping the Geezer with his book signings, decorate for the season and finding presents for his family and friends. My blogging hasn’t been as frequent as I would like, but I promise I’ll do much better after the first of the year.
Speaking of presents, a lot of you have asked me…to ask him…if he would post his short story, “Claus and the Consultant,” so many of you enjoyed three years ago. It was a Christmas present to all his friends, family and readers. It’s hilarious. It’s back. Go to his blog at http://www.dlhavlin.wordpress.com or his web site at http://www.dlhavlin.com to read and laugh!
The Geezer and I have been doing so many things, I thought I’d post some of the pictures and captions of the events here and talk about them later. Though I’m sure I’ll write between now and then — MERRY CHRISTMAS — Just in case!
Tags: Books, dogs, family, holidays, Humor, Reading, Thanksgiving, Writing
Last year was my first holiday season with Mr. & Mrs. Gator. I was so busy experiencing the major events I missed the little things that help make days like Thanksgiving memorable. I decided to keep a log chronicling what my humans do to make a holiday special so I could share it with you.
4:23 AM – Ouch. Mrs. Gator stepped out of bed and mashed my tail on her way to remove the turkey from the frige. I whined and made a terrible fuss which woke up the Geezer. It made Mrs. G feel guilty. She got me a hot dog and even warmed it in the microwave.
4:37 AM – As Mrs. G bent over to place the turkey in the oven, something scratched on the porch door. She screamed and slammed the oven shut as I raced to investigate. I growled and barked as menacingly as I’m capable. When I looked out the glass, a fellow who wore a black mask, a brown fur coat, and sported a stripped black and brown tail, stared back at me. He stood on his hind legs, but didn’t appear threatening. The Geezer wobbled out to investigate. Now that’s scary!! He sleeps in the nude, is overweight, and is in his mid-60s. His body would be a good prop to use in a remake of Halloween or Scream. He quickly grasped the situation and a broom. Old Geezer burst onto the porch with heroic intent. His loud shout, while brandishing the straw stick, sent the raccoon scurrying from the porch…and illuminated the neighbor’s lights. The Geezer retreated.
4:45 AM – More screams, this time from the bathroom. The Geezer walked in on our house guest, a lady friend of Mrs. G’s. My analysis of the Geezer’s body”s horrifying nature must be right on, judging from the blood curdling nature of her utterance. All wandered back to their rooms after apologies.
6:44 AM – The Geezer rolled out of bed for his morning ritual. That’s making a cup of coffee for Mrs. G, putting a scoop of Cool Whip in it, and serving it to his wife while she’s still in the sack. Since he was awake and mobile, I went to the door and called out, “Geezer, I’ve got a case of bladder burst.” He sauntered over, barefoot, dressed in his underwear, and asked, “Is it urgent?” I nodded. Geezer snapped on my leash, opened the door, and stepped onto the porch, while I pulled toward the stairs, grass, and relief. When he got half-way down the steps, the stream of curse words floating from his lips made it plain…he wasn’t giving thanks for coon poop today.
7:20 AM – No bacon and eggs this morning! Mrs. G never even made it to the stove. Damn! Cereal doesn’t do anything for my taste-buds. The Geezer asked Mrs. G at what time dinner was scheduled. Good News! I found I wouldn’t have a long wait; the scraps should be finding their way off the table by 12:30.
7:51 AM – The Geezer remarked how good the new oven’s seal was. Mrs. G’s house-guest went to look at the new stove and said, “Oh shit!” She asked Mrs G to come over. Mrs G said, “Oh shit! Geezer, I forgot to turn on the oven.” The Geezer said, “Oh shit, that means we’ll be eating during the football games. How long will it delay the meal?” Mrs. G said, “Two Hours.” I said, “Oh shit!” Two hours longer to wait before the goodies start to fall.
11:18 AM – Guests began to arrive. A lady named Madeline stepped in the remaining coon poop. Mrs. G made an emergency mop stop.
11:22 AM – Madeline placed her “green bean casserole” on the kitchen bar.
11:25 AM – Our 2nd guest, Susan, arrived and placed her “green bean casserole” on the kitchen bar. Mrs. G looked concerned.
11:30 AM – Patti, the 3rd lady guest arrived with…her “green bean casserole.” Mrs. G is alarmed and hit the panic button. “Geezer did you send out the right side-dish emails to all our guests?” The Geezer answered, “Sure I did!”
11:31 AM – Babs arrived with…her “green bean casserole.” The Geezer checked his computer as suggested by Mrs. Gator. His face turned very red.
11:35 AM – The Geezer left for an emergency trip to the grocery. Mrs G announced dinner will be delayed another hour. Hunger pangs forced me to improvise. Dirty socks just aren’t a substitute for turkey.
12:42 PM – The Geezer returned carrying the feast prepared by the supermarket deli. His arms were fully loaded with packages and when I gave him a welcoming nudge a pumpkin pie dislodged, did a triple somersault with a half twist, and landed on Susan’s white, dress-covered, lap. The words offered weren’t in keeping with the day’s theme- being thankful.
2:10 PM – Mrs. G announced the meal was ready. The guests lined up at the serving table and piled on the chow, including samples from each of the 6 green bean casseroles.
2:12 PM – I never realized that I lived in a sexually bigoted family until today. The women ate at the segregated dinner table and forced the men to eat in front of the TV. I never guessed Mrs. G was capable of that.
2:42 PM – It was worth the wait. Tidbits rained down on me like insults aimed at the opposition during a political rally. Then, Mrs. Gator provided me with a large plate filled with assorted leftovers. And to think, I never believed in heaven. The humans watching me devour the goodies bet that I would explode, but of course I didn’t. After the feast, I found a spot under the dining room table, curled up, and went to sleep.
4:52 PM – I woke up during a battlefield nightmare so authentic, the corpses looked and smelled real. When I opened my eyes the visions departed, but the smell lingered on. It took a few moments to realize that the mass sampling of green bean casseroles had a side effect. I went back to sleep to avoid nostril distress.
6:55 PM – I finally became alert again. During my nap all the guests had left except one couple, Patti and John. They were very restless, both taking turns rushing to the toilet. They called for Susan’s husband, but it was obvious he’d left. Still they gurgled through the restroom door, “Ralph, Ralph, Ralph.” Log note: Ask Geezer why it’s not wise to mix red wine and vodka. During their absence the Geezer and Mrs. G. had a whispered conversation about not inviting the head of the local Republican Party to the same event that the president of Professors for Obama attends. I suddenly understood what had influenced my earlier sleep and its warfare nightmare.
8:00 PM – Mrs G. completed cleaning the kitchen, dining room, and living room. The Geezer was so tired from watching her work he slumped into his recliner and snored, his noises being akin to those I’ve heard come from a pig sty. He evidently was so tired Mrs. Gator had to take me for my goodnight walk.
After reviewing my log, I can see why humans treasure the holidays so much! It provides so many unique ways to screw up. I’m anxious to see what interesting things they’ll do to celebrate Christmas. Anyway, that’s the way Time and Thanksgiving went by at our house.