A Chistmas present and some laughs for all of you!
December 9, 2012 at 4:30 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 3 CommentsTags: Books, Christmas, dogs, family, holidays, Humor, life, publishing, Reading, Writing
It’s getting close to the time old Santa will hitch the reindeer to the sleigh, pack his sack with goodies and leave the North Pole for places south. I’ve been busy helping the Geezer with his book signings, decorate for the season and finding presents for his family and friends. My blogging hasn’t been as frequent as I would like, but I promise I’ll do much better after the first of the year.
Speaking of presents, a lot of you have asked me…to ask him…if he would post his short story, “Claus and the Consultant,” so many of you enjoyed three years ago. It was a Christmas present to all his friends, family and readers. It’s hilarious. It’s back. Go to his blog at http://www.dlhavlin.wordpress.com or his web site at http://www.dlhavlin.com to read and laugh!
The Geezer and I have been doing so many things, I thought I’d post some of the pictures and captions of the events here and talk about them later. Though I’m sure I’ll write between now and then — MERRY CHRISTMAS — Just in case!
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Storytelling by camp fire at Patrick Smith Day
Den and the bird
Lori, Mike and Dorothy
The “grands”
H.O.P.E. Holiday House at Tarpon Lodge
Readers
Linda and Larry
Pine Island 50th Anniversary
January 7 – Resolutions Progress Report
January 7, 2009 at 12:30 am | Posted in Books, holidays, Humor, Media, New Years, News, Reading, TV, Uncategorized, Writing | 7 CommentsTags: animal tales, Books, dogs, Entertainment, Fox & Friends, Fox News, holidays, Humor, Media, New Years, O'Reilly, publishing, Reading, Writing
I thought it would be good to comment on the Geezer’s New Years Resolution progress. Another way of describing this would be “Missions Impossible.” I’m sure Tom Cruise could make a movie from my human’s struggles. “Mission Impossible #16″ - sounds good! It couldn’t be any worse than some of the waste of celluloid I’ve seen on TV.
Back to the subject. The Geezer’s effort to keep up with those not yet a week old edicts, I’d grade as C-. I hope that designation doesn’t offend those of you who are part of the “Society for the Universal Culmination of Kindergarten through School – of the Elimination of Grading.” That’s SUCKS – EG, for short. It’s hard to say anything in this ridiculously political correct environment without a storm of protest coming from some group of certifiables. If you don’t like the C- “indictment statement,” tough.
Okay, the old boy made 5 of those dedications to delusions, his words not mine. One is already in “Flush Town.” So much for giving a supreme effort to self-discipline.
I knew the first one was doomed from the second he uttered the words… “I pledge to share control of the TV remote time equally with Mrs. Gator.” There are somethings each of us aren’t capable of doing. Physically. Psychologically. The stuff just isn’t there. I don’t know if the Geezer was lying to himself or just plain lying. Certainly, the football bowl games and all the related hoopla expedited its demise. That resolution didn’t make it through New Years morning. The Geezer hid the “clicker” when Mrs. Gator wanted to watch the Rose Parade instead of a replay of a game from the previous evening. Mrs. Gator gave him “the eye,” waved the white flag without a struggle, and he removed the “power” from under the sofa cushion. Scratch one edict. I knew that one had as much chance of survival as a cat dropped into a pit-bull kennel with 10 residents that hadn’t been fed for two days.
The two that are in jeopardy are his resolutions to, “manage my anger better,” and “clean up under the house and get rid of the junk.”
The Geezer has one of those strange tempers that boils over at the littlest things, yet he manages to control himself when faced with some crisiss you would think should send him into orbit. If he drops the soap while in the shower, a daily occurrence, it likely will trigger a stream of four letter wonders, connected in various combinations, shouted at the villainous bar of Dove. However, he placed an order for Mrs. Gator’s major Christmas present on-line. The store has botched it twice, but he has retained his composure and control when he speaks with them, remaining focused on getting the problem solved. He dropped the soap this AM and there was no shouting, just an inaudible murmur. I give this one 4 or 5 weeks.
The “clean up under the house” decree is as secure as a drop of water on a stone in the desert at noon on a summer’s day. It’ll evaporate, the only thing in question is the time involved. The problem is Mrs. G. She capitalizes the PACK in pack rat. For every box the Geezer cleans out, Mrs. Gator will find at least one to replace it. After a while he’ll realize it’s as futile as trying to keep the tide from rising, and he’ll capitulate. He will work at this promise for two or three months until inevitability overcomes hope.
His “lose weight” resolution is likely to be kept for four reasons. First, the extra 50 pounds he’s toting around negatively impacts things he wants to do so there’s a big incentive there. Second, he’s done this successfully before. He has a diet that works. Third, he knows the extra weight’s health impact on his ol’ codger bod’ ain’t good. And fourth, when the needle on the scale gets anywhere close to having a three as the first number, he panics. He’s throwing out the potato chips, Reese’s cups, buying diet sodas, and has the measuring cup and scale out. I’m betting he’ll make this one.
Last, and the one I thought would be the first to go, was his, “to watch less TV news and not to get angry at the idiots on these shows,” resolve. Surprisingly, he’s doing this. I didn’t believe he’d give up watching Fox and Friends for two hours every morning because he really likes the three humans who host that show, even the one he calls “Brainless in Long Island.” He’s sworn off Bill O’Reillycompletely. It’s surprising how positively its impacted his humor…it’s now generally good, not bad! I asked him about the ease with which he’s abandoned that habit. He grinned and replied, “You know how NBC has the peacock as its symbol? Well, Fox is adopting an Ostrich as their’s. That makes it easier. I’d rather watch programs that stand for something, not nothing.” I have no idea what he means. I wish somebody would clue me in. It probably has something to do with putting your head where the sun doesn’t shine and somebody named Beck, but that’s just a guess because it was mentioned at the same time.
That’s the Geezer New Years Resolution Progress Report. Two are on-line, two are struggling to hang-on, and the third is already in septic tank city.
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December 30 – New Years Resolutions? Or is that Delusions
December 30, 2008 at 4:13 pm | Posted in Books, holidays, Humor, illegal immigration, Media, New Years, News, Reading, TV, Uncategorized, Writing | 8 CommentsTags: animal tales, Books, dogs, Entertainment, Fox News, holidays, Humor, illegal immigration, New Years, O'Reilly, Reading, Writing
”The weather is great this morning Geezer.” The last week in Southwest Florida has been perfect if you like the low 80′s, gentle breezes, and bright sunny days. We sat on the dock watching a pair to Osprey hover around their nest, the female spending most of her time perched on her eggs. “It would be nice if it stayed this way all year,” I added.
“I don’t know, Sandy. I think it would get boring after a while.” The Geezer rubbed his mustache and grinned at me. “You’ve see warm, warmer, and hot, but never cold. Maybe I should add that to my list of New Year’s Resolutions….Get Sandy into some cold winter weather.”
“What’s a New Years Resolution, Geezer?” That was something I hadn’t heard about before.
The Geezer laughed. “New Years’ Resolutions are what we humans do to delude our conscience into believing we will make changes in our lives we have no intention of completing.” He hesitated, blinked his eyes, and got one of those ’I'd better come clean’ looks on his mug. “That’s overstating a little, Sandy. There are a few of us that really will follow through and keep them.”
“Let me be sure I understand, Geezer. People realize there’s something they need to do, they say they’re going to do it, but really know they’re not?” That really sounded stupid, but then we are talking about humans here. I couldn’t help mumbling under my breath, “Dumb.”
“You’re right, Sandy.”
“Are you making any New Years Resolutions?” I asked. “Of course, I KNOW you’ll keep yours.” I can’t help it…I was born with a sarcastic tongue.
The Geezer leaned forward and watched one of the Ospreys leave the nest. He remarked, “Look, Sandy, Mama Ospreys going to find breakfast.”
He should know I’m not that easy to distract. “No, no, no, Geezer. You’re not getting off that easy.” I rose up on all fours and stared into his eyes. “Are…you…making…any…resolutions?”
The old boy gave me a guilty glance mixed with embarrassment. “Okay, you got me. I’ll tell you what resolutions I should make. Want to hear them?”
“Yes.”
He shook his head and sighed before he began. After he’d put off starting as long as he could he said, “To lose weight.”
“That’s a good one.” The Geezer’s shape was approaching that of one of the blimps televising the football bowl games. Though filled with gas, he certainly wasn’t lighter than air.
“Do a better job of anger management.” His guilt glance made me laugh.
“Go on,” I said.
“Watch less TV and don’t get so upset by the idiots on the tube.” The guilt remained.
“I can see what you mean about delusions. Geezer, since we’re talking fantasy here, why don’t you make up some wacky resolutions for some famous people? That would be interesting.” The smile on the Geezer’s face swished away his anguished features. I really think the old boy should reimburse me for psychological services. Sirloin steak would do nicely.
The Geezer thought for a few seconds. “Hmmm. I’d start with having that Illinois Governor resolve to enroll in a criminology course on wiretapping.”
”Good one Geezer!” I knew that would juice him up.
“How about having Jerry Jones resolve to make Terrell Owens the Dallas headcoach and install Jessica Simpson as the new starting center for the Cowboys?”
I laughed, “Well, they wouldn’t be much worse than they were against the Eagles.”
“Romo would be happy.” The Geezer’s eyes lighted up. “I have a good one; have John McCain resolve to suspend his campaign to coach the Cardinals in their first playoff game.”
”Hey, the election is over! Besides, does he know anything about football?”
“So are the Cardinals chances of winning the playoff. And, McCain can’t know less about coaching football than he did about running his campaign. That gets me thinking. How about having Bill O’Reilly resolve to not mention his Harvard education on TV for one year? Or having Paris Hilton resolve to install cameras in her bathroom so everything she does can be covered by the press. Maybe we could get a resolution from Ann Coulter and Barbara Pelosi to resolve their differences in one of those steel cage wrestling matches. The loser would resolve to have their vocal cords removed. I bet Tiger Woods could be convinced to resolve to never drive another Buick. Or we could get Michael Moore to resolve to make a movie on the humanistic side of Josef Stalin? Why not have Paulson resolve to stand on the Mexican border and give bailout checks to the illegals as they cross. Or get Kieth Obermann to resolve to get a brain transplant? How about having the people that give out the movie Oscars resolve to select the best performances instead of passing out the statues to those who have an agenda with which they agree.”
“Now you are truly talking delusions. They have to make that kind of movie first.”
November 28 – As Time and Thanksgiving Goes By
November 28, 2008 at 6:28 pm | Posted in Books, Current events, Humor, Media, Reading, TV, Uncategorized, Writing | 5 CommentsTags: Books, dogs, family, holidays, Humor, Reading, Thanksgiving, Writing
Last year was my first holiday season with Mr. & Mrs. Gator. I was so busy experiencing the major events I missed the little things that help make days like Thanksgiving memorable. I decided to keep a log chronicling what my humans do to make a holiday special so I could share it with you.
4:23 AM – Ouch. Mrs. Gator stepped out of bed and mashed my tail on her way to remove the turkey from the frige. I whined and made a terrible fuss which woke up the Geezer. It made Mrs. G feel guilty. She got me a hot dog and even warmed it in the microwave.
4:37 AM – As Mrs. G bent over to place the turkey in the oven, something scratched on the porch door. She screamed and slammed the oven shut as I raced to investigate. I growled and barked as menacingly as I’m capable. When I looked out the glass, a fellow who wore a black mask, a brown fur coat, and sported a stripped black and brown tail, stared back at me. He stood on his hind legs, but didn’t appear threatening. The Geezer wobbled out to investigate. Now that’s scary!! He sleeps in the nude, is overweight, and is in his mid-60s. His body would be a good prop to use in a remake of Halloween or Scream. He quickly grasped the situation and a broom. Old Geezer burst onto the porch with heroic intent. His loud shout, while brandishing the straw stick, sent the raccoon scurrying from the porch…and illuminated the neighbor’s lights. The Geezer retreated.
4:45 AM – More screams, this time from the bathroom. The Geezer walked in on our house guest, a lady friend of Mrs. G’s. My analysis of the Geezer’s body”s horrifying nature must be right on, judging from the blood curdling nature of her utterance. All wandered back to their rooms after apologies.
6:44 AM – The Geezer rolled out of bed for his morning ritual. That’s making a cup of coffee for Mrs. G, putting a scoop of Cool Whip in it, and serving it to his wife while she’s still in the sack. Since he was awake and mobile, I went to the door and called out, “Geezer, I’ve got a case of bladder burst.” He sauntered over, barefoot, dressed in his underwear, and asked, “Is it urgent?” I nodded. Geezer snapped on my leash, opened the door, and stepped onto the porch, while I pulled toward the stairs, grass, and relief. When he got half-way down the steps, the stream of curse words floating from his lips made it plain…he wasn’t giving thanks for coon poop today.
7:20 AM – No bacon and eggs this morning! Mrs. G never even made it to the stove. Damn! Cereal doesn’t do anything for my taste-buds. The Geezer asked Mrs. G at what time dinner was scheduled. Good News! I found I wouldn’t have a long wait; the scraps should be finding their way off the table by 12:30.
7:51 AM – The Geezer remarked how good the new oven’s seal was. Mrs. G’s house-guest went to look at the new stove and said, “Oh shit!” She asked Mrs G to come over. Mrs G said, “Oh shit! Geezer, I forgot to turn on the oven.” The Geezer said, “Oh shit, that means we’ll be eating during the football games. How long will it delay the meal?” Mrs. G said, “Two Hours.” I said, “Oh shit!” Two hours longer to wait before the goodies start to fall.
11:18 AM – Guests began to arrive. A lady named Madeline stepped in the remaining coon poop. Mrs. G made an emergency mop stop.
11:22 AM – Madeline placed her “green bean casserole” on the kitchen bar.
11:25 AM – Our 2nd guest, Susan, arrived and placed her “green bean casserole” on the kitchen bar. Mrs. G looked concerned.
11:30 AM – Patti, the 3rd lady guest arrived with…her “green bean casserole.” Mrs. G is alarmed and hit the panic button. “Geezer did you send out the right side-dish emails to all our guests?” The Geezer answered, “Sure I did!”
11:31 AM – Babs arrived with…her “green bean casserole.” The Geezer checked his computer as suggested by Mrs. Gator. His face turned very red.
11:35 AM – The Geezer left for an emergency trip to the grocery. Mrs G announced dinner will be delayed another hour. Hunger pangs forced me to improvise. Dirty socks just aren’t a substitute for turkey.
12:42 PM – The Geezer returned carrying the feast prepared by the supermarket deli. His arms were fully loaded with packages and when I gave him a welcoming nudge a pumpkin pie dislodged, did a triple somersault with a half twist, and landed on Susan’s white, dress-covered, lap. The words offered weren’t in keeping with the day’s theme- being thankful.
2:10 PM – Mrs. G announced the meal was ready. The guests lined up at the serving table and piled on the chow, including samples from each of the 6 green bean casseroles.
2:12 PM – I never realized that I lived in a sexually bigoted family until today. The women ate at the segregated dinner table and forced the men to eat in front of the TV. I never guessed Mrs. G was capable of that.
2:42 PM – It was worth the wait. Tidbits rained down on me like insults aimed at the opposition during a political rally. Then, Mrs. Gator provided me with a large plate filled with assorted leftovers. And to think, I never believed in heaven. The humans watching me devour the goodies bet that I would explode, but of course I didn’t. After the feast, I found a spot under the dining room table, curled up, and went to sleep.
4:52 PM – I woke up during a battlefield nightmare so authentic, the corpses looked and smelled real. When I opened my eyes the visions departed, but the smell lingered on. It took a few moments to realize that the mass sampling of green bean casseroles had a side effect. I went back to sleep to avoid nostril distress.
6:55 PM – I finally became alert again. During my nap all the guests had left except one couple, Patti and John. They were very restless, both taking turns rushing to the toilet. They called for Susan’s husband, but it was obvious he’d left. Still they gurgled through the restroom door, “Ralph, Ralph, Ralph.” Log note: Ask Geezer why it’s not wise to mix red wine and vodka. During their absence the Geezer and Mrs. G. had a whispered conversation about not inviting the head of the local Republican Party to the same event that the president of Professors for Obama attends. I suddenly understood what had influenced my earlier sleep and its warfare nightmare.
8:00 PM – Mrs G. completed cleaning the kitchen, dining room, and living room. The Geezer was so tired from watching her work he slumped into his recliner and snored, his noises being akin to those I’ve heard come from a pig sty. He evidently was so tired Mrs. Gator had to take me for my goodnight walk.
After reviewing my log, I can see why humans treasure the holidays so much! It provides so many unique ways to screw up. I’m anxious to see what interesting things they’ll do to celebrate Christmas. Anyway, that’s the way Time and Thanksgiving went by at our house.
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November 23 – Thanksgiving from a turkey’s POV
November 24, 2008 at 12:25 pm | Posted in Books, Current events, Humor, Media, Reading, TV, Uncategorized, Writing | 7 CommentsTags: animal tales, Books, holidays, Humor, Thanksgiving, Writing
The Geezer always says, “You never know why another man’s point of view is different from yours until you walk in his shoes for a week or two.” That goes for paws and claws as well, as I learned this morning.
First, let me explain–I’m in the figurative “dog house” right now. My sense of adventure, my keen nose, and a gourmet pallet betray me occasionally. Mrs. G. had this scrumptious smelling item protruding from her purse. She’d left her handbag lying next to her bed, right where I sleep each night. ‘Bout midnight I woke up, suffered a little insomnia, and became very bored. I sniffed the item and it smelled like it might be delicious. It was an envelope about 3″ by 6″ and had some bank’s name printed on it. Let me shorten the explanation by saying it was filled with delicious tidbits. I preferred the ones with 20 printed on them and engraved with a picture of some guy named Jackson. The Lincolns were okay, but the 1′s were kind of plebeian. I ate them all even though some weren’t particularly tasty; I detest wasting food.
As I was finishing, my lip smacking woke my humans. They quickly explained what I had eaten wasn’t the equivalent of a Purina Dog-Bone and left no doubt my behavior was unacceptable. Their unreasonable attitude was carried over until this morning. I was exiled to the back yard, tethered to my anchor ring, a punishment post used when I pulled some puppy pranks in my youth. The Geezer calls it “time out.”
I’ve learned the best way to slip out of my predicaments is to beg the court for mercy. I dawn my best “I’m guilty, but contrite look,” and exude remorse from my pupils. Those sad-sack eyes normally melt the old boy, but he was resolute this AM, leaving me to “suffer” alone. Big deal. I quickly found an interesting patch of vile smelling grass, rolled onto my back, and wriggled around, thoroughly enjoying myself.
As I tossed my head and waved my paws in the air, a voice said, “Pssst, hey you.”
I rolled over springing up on all four and was hyper alert. I looked around the yard, but couldn’t see who spoke.
“Over here, I’m behind the Bougainvillea bushes.” Looking at the greenery from a distance didn’t help; I couldn’t see the voice’s owner. I trotted to the thorny vines and stared into them. Glaring back at me from the other side were beady eyes, housed in a bird’s head. My visitor was huge for a fowl, colored black-brown, with long spindly legs and a red beard. I watched him suspiciously.
“I hate to deal in stereotypes, but are you a dumb dog or did the cat get your tongue?”
“Neither,” I growled. The birds eyes showed alarm.
“Whoa, stay cool man. I’m just a jive turkey looking for a little a-ssist, dig?” The bird took a step back.
“Insulting a stranger you’re asking for help isn’t very smart, buddy.” I decided I didn’t like my visitor.
“Hey, my species isn’t known for high cranial capacity, aaa, what did you say your name was?”
“Sandy.”
“Cool! I’m Tom. You don’t happen to be a vegetarian, do you?”
I thought about the reason I was tied in the yard. “Not strictly, omnivorous I think you call it.”
“So you eat meat?” He answered his own question, “Yep, I thought so. The poodle down the street said she didn’t, but she lied. Good thing she didn’t have wings.”
I visualized my neighbor across the hedge, sans feathers, headless, with the less succulent portion of his legs removed, sitting on a large platter with his golden skin giving off sumptuous odors. My tongue protruded and the saliva began to drip.
The turkey moved back when he saw the change. ”Now, Sandy, calm down. I don’t like that look in your eye.”
“Sorry about that.” I tried to sound sincere all the time wondering if I could dislodge the anchor from the ground or break my leash if I pulled hard enough.
“Good man, you just stay cool. I just want to ask a few questions, dig?”
“I’m NOT a man,” I said coldly, “but I understand and I’ll answer you if I know what your talking about.”
“Yo, Sandy! Sorry dude-ette, but you folks all look the same to me. No offense?” Tom was trying, but like he said the rocks in the driveway had a higher IQ.
“None taken, Tom.” I lied, still focusing on how to get lose and get a paw and chaw on my visitor.
“Let me explain, Sandy. Put yourself in my position. I want to know if this is a safe place to hide from them. Between now and the end of the holidays my kind lives in constant fear. We don’t know who to trust. It seems everybody is after us. They all want a part. During this month and a half, danger lurks everywhere. It doesn’t matter what color we are, the whole world is hungry to get fed by us. My white cousins tell me it’s just as bad or worse for them. They’re relentless. They have all types of devices to catch us and suck the life blood from our bodies this time of year. It’s six weeks of Hell, Sandy, Hell!!! You dig?”
I nodded as I pulled against the leash.
“just name someone, anyone, who has to endure this kind of annual intimidation, demoralization, and degrading treatment when all they want is to be left alone? If you can, I’ll commit Harri-Kari!” The turkey squinted his eyes and made them appear slanted.
I thought for several seconds, remembering some wisdom the old Geezer Gator has shared with me. “The US Taxpayer each March and April.”
I felt sorry for the turkey as he gasped his last. Well, just a little.
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Note: If you enjoyed this tale from the dog-side, I have a short Christmas story that will appear on my blog for those that love to laugh. in early December
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Geezer’s latest book
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