One letter can make a big difference !! But, is the meaning the same??
April 30, 2013 at 8:38 am | Posted in Uncategorized | 3 CommentsTags: Books, Congress, dogs, Humor, life, Media, Politics, publishing, Reading, Writing
The Geezer and I were watching TV this morning. As usual, the Geezer was tuned to the news in the off chance that someone in government…or in major corporations… or even within the media, did something to give us a little faith things would be alright.
The first three items covered were:
- High-ranking bank officials were reengaging in the same lending practices (making housing loans to those who couldn’t afford it) that destroyed the country’s economy. You know, those folks that are “too big to fail.” Humans don’t seem to understand that when you reward bad behavior with a bailout or something similar it encourages more of the same. Every mommy dog I know has better sense than to let her pups get away with manure like that.
- Those paragons of virtue, Congress and the President, quietly gutted the insider trader law that was passed a year ago (before the election). You know, the one that kept them from benefiting from having government information that would effect future fortunes of a stock. Remember, the one our President said, “Was overdue” and that, “Congress should be playing by the same rules as any other citizen.” Well, we have bipartisanship at last – Both parties passed and the President signed the bill that effectively repealed the law. They sneaked it through quietly, notice that?
- The Geezer changed channels trying to lessen his depression. A media type was explaining why it was fine to allow government officials to eavesdrop on innocent private citizens email without the protection the constitution provides, while it wasn’t okay for law enforcement to continue to question a guilty terrorist to protect the rest of us. And they say dogs are dumb. We are consistent…we always bark at the postman.
The Geezer sadly shook his head, turned off the TV, and turned on the stereo. He mumbled, “I’d say the country is going to the dogs, but I know they’d do a better job running it than the idiots of BOTH parties who run it today.” I agree him…that’s true.
I remembered a bit of wisdom from one of the Geezer’s own books and I repeated it to him.
“It’s no coincidence that big-shot and big-shit are almost spelled the same.”
visit the Geezer’s blog at http://www.dlhavlin.wordpress.com and his web site at http://www.dlhavlin.com
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These are the times that I’m glad I’m a dog!
March 1, 2013 at 5:25 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 2 CommentsTags: Books, conservative, Current events, dogs, Humor, liberal, life, Politics, Reading, Writing
I asked my human, “What are you working on, Geezer?”
He chuckled, “I’m thinking of going back into business.”
“Doing what?”
“Custom tee shirts. I’m thinking of taking advantage of all the political mud-slinging. I’ll sell them on the Internet.” He held up three fingers. “One web site for liberals, one for conservatives, and one for folks with common sense that are sick of both of them. Of course, that last site will be large. Unfortunately, the slime bag politicians have been successful in transforming our country. We’re now the Divided States of America. Hate and stupidity, now the norm, are quite a combination.” He shook his head sadly. “I think there are a lot of folks out there that want to scream. I’ll give them a way to do it.”
“Give me some examples,” I said.
“I’ll give you a couple for each one. For the liberals how about a picture of Bush being held on a water board with the caption, How do you like it George? Or how about a tee saying, Big Business or Big Government, which can you vote for? The conservatives would like a poker hand printed on the tee’s front. It would be four aces with the faces of Stalin, Hitler, Mao, and Obama where the suit logo goes in the card’s center. The caption, Four of a kind. Or, try one with a picture of Barack on one side of the shirt with his nose extending across the chest and around the side to the back with a sign hanging from it saying, The new Pinocchio.”
“I’d say you better issue a statement with each sale that you’re not responsible for the riots they’ll cause if anybody wore those in public.” I thought for a second. “Hey! You could introduce a premium shirt with a Kevlar liner inside.” I paused for another second. “You know the whole thing is…well…kind of stupid…you’re pulling my tail aren’t you? You aren’t really going into business.”
“Of course you’re right on both counts, Sandy. That would just be stirring the pot. I can’t think of anything dumber… with the exception of the whole Washington mess.” The Geezer shook his head sadly.
“Amen,” I said. “Things like today’s politics make me glad I’m a canine.” After a few seconds of thought I asked, “Just for giggles…what were the ones you were making for folks like you?
He grinned. “My two favorites. The first one shows a cow’s rear end and on the ground under it is a big soupy pile of manure. An arrow points to it with a one word caption. Washington. The second is Bush and Obama, tied to a stake in the middle of a bonfire with devils poking them with pitchforks. A sign on the stake says HELL. Under it the caption reads, A dream now, but just wait a while.”
“Gosh, Geezer those would be million sellers!”
visit the Geezer’s web site at http://www.dlhavlin.com and his blog at http://www.dlhavlin.wordpress.com
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My canine hopes for ’13
January 10, 2013 at 9:11 am | Posted in Uncategorized | 7 CommentsTags: Books, dogs, Humor, life, New Years, Politics, publishing, Reading, Writing
My human, the Geezer, has given up on New Year’s resolutions and has substituted “hopes” in their place. That sounds like one of his rare good ideas so I’ve decided to subscribe to it. Here are some doggie wishes for my canine friends and me for 2013.
1. Fleas and ticks will genetically evolve and no longer have a taste for dog’s blood. Instead, they will develop a craving for selective types of human plasma. I have some suggestions. How about tax collectors, some lawyers, and most particularly, all politicians. They’ve sucked blood from everybody else for so long that only seems fair.
2. The winners of the Westminster Dog Show get to make their owners, trainers and handlers put leashes around their necks and are they’re forced to run around the ring like idiots while we hold the ropes.
3. The FHA adds dog houses to the growing list of entitlements the Federal Government is distributing. It’s only fair all dogs are given free dog houses. After all, we all breathe, don’t we? That seems to be the standard these days. Let’s see…I want two swimming pools, a four car garage, a vibrating bed, and a vault for my food stamps.
4. The price of dog food doesn’t sky-rocket like the cost of everything else will because of the human fools that are running the country. I think I’ll have to classify that in the vain hope category.
5. All dogs will be given a place at the human meal table so we get a fair share. Either that or all humans can get down and all fours and eat the dog food they feed us. That’s probably more likely…human’s are driving their cars in reverse now days.
6. Any human that abuses or abandons a canine will develop painful boils on 95% of their bodies for which there is no cure. Oh, and their hair falls out. Oh, oh, and they have to watch and listen to the Ed Show and the O’Reilly Factor played continuously on a split screen 75″ TV with the sound turned up to 250 decibels, until they start gouging their own ears and eyes out. Oh, oh, oh, and they fall off a boat in shark and crocodile infested waters. I’ll share that hope with cats, horses, hamsters, or any other type pet that humans abuse.
7. That all the fireplugs are replaced with replicas of the White House and Capitol Building so we can do to them what they’ve been doing to our humans.
8. That there is a prohibition placed on importing Chinese cookbooks. I enjoy eating dinner, not being it.
9. My human drops my dinner dish and breaks it. And…he can only buy one that’s at least twice as large.
10. That we canines have the good sense to remain our doggie selves and don’t try to become more like (shudder) humans. I think that’s a very safe hope. After all, only humans are stupid and vain enough to want to be what they’re not!
Have A Happy Canine New Year!
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July 14 – Parking Lot Lies
July 14, 2012 at 9:57 am | Posted in Uncategorized | 10 CommentsTags: Books, Cooking, dogs, Humor, life, Politics, publishing, Reading, Writing
I have a broken heart. Romanski hasn’t called. He hasn’t written or even emailed me. I’ve been mopping around the house…waiting…hoping. If you missed my previous post, Romanski is a handsome Golden Retriever I met on my recent trip. I’ve been in such a funk it was noticeable to the Geezer. It usually takes an anvil to fall on him before he notices such things.
“Sandy, what’s wrong old girl?” he asked.
“Old girl, aren’t you calling the kettle black?” I retorted.
“My aren’t we touchy today. That’s just a term of endearment, Sandy. I’m not really saying you’re old.”
Humans have the weirdest way of communicating. “My friend,” certainly would have been a more appropriate way to address me. We females are sensitive about being called old. Homo sapiens have hundreds of ways of nibbling around the edges of what they want to communicate. In Doganese, Woof is Woof, Arf is Arf, and Grrrr is Grrrr. Why complicate matters? I started to lecture him on the value of concise clear conversation, but I didn’t have the patience to deal with human mental deficiency at the time. Besides, he’s been subjected to so much rhetoric from TV political ads and programs I’m sure his mind is warped and has contracted into a protective shell. One needs a bull-shit deflector to stand anywhere near a television that’s operating these days. I decided to give the old codger a break.
“I know you weren’t trying to offend me, Geezer. I’ve just been a bit upset and disappointed lately,” I said.
“Really? I’m sorry to hear that. I hope it’s nothing I’ve done.”
“No. It’s something you had nothing to do with.”
“Do you mind me asking what it is?”
“I really don’t want to talk about it,” I lied. I really did. It helps to chat about your emotional issues even if you have to do it with a human…male.
“You sure, Sandy? One of the only good things about getting old is that you’ve experienced enough to give good advice. I certainly qualify as old.” The Geezer was using his most fatherly tone.
“I don’t need advice as much as a shoulder to cry on.”
“Tell me about it.”
“Remember when we stopped at the Welcome Station in Tennessee? I met Romanski, remember him?”
“I’m so sorry.” The Geezer had that, ‘oh, that’s how it is,’ look he gets occasionally. I just plain don’t like that look. He noticed I wasn’t impressed and quickly changed his expression. “He hasn’t called?”
“No. Not a word from him in any way. He seemed so sincere when we strolled around the parking lot. He made so many promises. Anything I said I wanted from life, he did too. Romanski looked into my eyes and told me it was one of those one- in-a-thousand love-at-first-sight things. I believed him and poured my heart out to him. Now……..”
“Sandy, don’t feel bad. You’re not the first lady, or for that matter, man, that’s been led astray in a parking lot or just while parked.” The Geezer shook his head sadly. “Those are what I call Parking Lot Lies.”
“Well, at least I wasn’t the first person to be told what they wanted to hear so a scum-bag could try to get what he wanted.”
“You’re right.”
“Gosh, Geezer, Romanski reminds me of one of those politicians I hear you listening to on TV.”
“That’s exactly right, Sandy! They’re both trying to screw us!”
http://www.dlhavlin-author.com
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June 5 – Lie detectors, pedals, windmills, and Beano – A solution to the worlds problems?
June 4, 2009 at 2:01 pm | Posted in Books, Current events, dogs, economy, Humor, Media, News, Politics, publishing, Reading, TV, Uncategorized, Writing | 6 CommentsTags: animal tales, Books, Congress, conservative, dogs, economy, Fox & Friends, Fox News, Humor, liberal, Media, Politics, publishing, Reading, Writing
“Why do you do that?” I watched the Geezer Gator get his tide marker out for his monthly update. Each full moon he measures the level of the high tide from the top of the sea wall and records its height on a strip of wood. He’s done this since I’ve been here in our Southwest Florida home– that’s 2 1/2 years.
”It’s my version of a lie detector, Sandy.” The old boy looked at the stick and grunted. “I’ll set this out so I don’t miss marking it. Full moon is on the 7th. I forgot last month.”
“You okay? You haven’t fallen and bumped your head? Or developed malaria? Maybe we should take your temperature.” Once in a while I get concerned about the old boy’s mental state. I figure there must be rust on that brain of his. “How on earth can that serve as a lie detector?”
The Geezer Gator laughed. “I can understand your confusion. This started ‘BS.’ That’s ‘before Sandy.’ Five years ago when the flap about global warming was peaking, I decided to do a little survey for myself. I’ve owned this place on an ocean-connected canal for 29 years. I hadn’t noticed any difference in the water level, but unless you recorded the actual height would you really know? It’s pretty important since the information some folks have been putting out is that this property will be under water in a few years. I decided to find out for myself. Was the book “An Inconvenient Truth” fact, or just “A Politically Motivated Lie?”
“And the answer is?” I asked.
The Geezer shuffled through a stack of papers stored by the stick. “In the 63 observations I’ve made, the net increase is 3/16 inches. That’s in about five years. Actually, it’s gone down a couple times. Since the average high tide level is 29″ from the seawall top, and if I use the 5 year rate of increase it means the seawall top will be breached in 773 years. What do you think, Sandy?”
“Liar, liar, pants on fire!”
”That’s my deduction too, Sandy. But, lets remember there are a lot of factors that may change. And, while the increase is insignificant, it is an increase. Things could get worse. China and India are just really getting started on putting autos on the road. The global economy is developing new industrial capabilities and power requirements world wide.” He got his sly, ’my tongue is in my cheek,’ look. “And of course, there’s the continuing problem of animal life producing all those pollutants.”
“Sounds like none of that is going to change.”
“Let the liars, I mean politicians, have some time to dream up ways to make it appear like they’re working on the problems while at the same time strengthening their political power and padding the pockets of their friends and business partners.”
“That sounds pretty cynical to me, Geezer.” I have to keep the old boy in line. “Just how would they go about that?”
The old boy rubbed his mustache and looked into space hoping a friendly alien would beam down an answer. Amazingly one must have. He smiled and said, “Bicycle pedals, Windmills, and Beano.”
I couldn’t believe my ears. “Geezer, what are you talking about? How do those three do anything to solve the problems of more cars in the emerging economies, the need for more power, gases in the atmosphere? For example, China and India already have huge numbers of bicycles.”
“Did I say bicycles? I didn’t say bicycles. It’s pedals, pedals, pedals. In fact, the politicians will tell you that pedals solve the unemployment problem as well. We’ll hook up those pedals to electrical generators, have the unemployed turn them in shifts, convert all cars to electric, and have GE make the conversion kits.”
I enjoy a spoof as much as the next canine. I played along, “What if there aren’t enough people unemployed?”
“No problem. The government will simply decree that ALL people must spend two hours, or what ever it takes, on the power tread mills. Freedom is no longer an issue, government can do anything, like set salaries, cancel debts, bankrupt businesses, make value judgements of a persons mental judgments based on race and gender. Why not tell us we have to do our part for the collective?”
No sense reasoning with the Geezer when he gets those hypotheticals rolling. He always seems to come up with another tale. I decided to move on. “The windmills are for generating power, right?”
“Yep. GE will have a monopoly on that, too. So that fits. Might be able to use some of the unemployed to blow on the blades. The government is creating more of those folks in the auto industry by producing more cars in China. They could set up a couple windmills in the studios of MSNBC, CBS, CNN, ABC, FOX, and NBC so that something usable comes out of those blow hards.”
“I’ll drink to that!” I had to agree. I cautiously asked, “Butttt..What about the Beano? Explain that.”
”Sure, Sandy. We can get the government to hire Haliburton to clandestinely put Beano in all foods for humans and all domestic animals, world wide. Think of the impact. Less methane to attack the Ozone layer. You can eat leftovers without fumigating the house for roaches. Cows won’t poot in pastures decreasing the mating urges of bull frogs and crickets thereby eliminating those surplus populations. I won’t ever have to worry about cutting a fart in a crowded elevator, having to look at the guy next to me like he did it, while waving my hand in front of my nose and saying, “Some People.”
I shook my head and said, “Geezer, really.”
He laughed. “Okay Sandy, I take it all back except for one thing.”
My paw covered my squinted eyes because I had to ask. “And…what’s that?”
“Politicians are liars.”
You can’t argue with a universal truth.
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February 10- The Economy….of garage sales
February 10, 2009 at 11:01 pm | Posted in Books, economy, Humor, Media, Politics, publishing, Reading, Writing | 7 CommentsTags: animal tales, Books, dogs, Entertainment, Fox & Friends, Humor, life, Politics, publishing, Reading, Writing
THE ECONOMY!!!!!! Before any of you scream, “Oh no!!! NOT another one of those political rants disguised as humor!” I’m happy to say this has nothing to do with politics or the sub-human species that practice them.
The Geezer and I agreed, soon after we started this blog, to stay away from heavy-duty politi-comment. Our jottings are primarily devoted to reading enjoyment, writing, humor, books, publishing, and of course, dogs. Well, actually animals. The Geezer is one opinionated old fogey, but he’s wise enough to have a separate blog to express his thoughts for those looking for such, dare I say it, manure.
To be honest, we did a little when we started the blog, but quickly abandoned the practice after READING some of the tripe, left and right, masquerading as humor. I have a visual of the people producing this *#@&!. They all have very long, very thin faces so their minds will fit in the very narrow space. The Geezer and I decided that’s fine in a political, liberal, conservative, etc.,etc., tagged blog, but not as an imposition on readers who just want to laugh. So…onward!
Several days ago the Geezer decided that he’d sell the stuff he was clearing out from under the house. The cleaning was a bi-product of one of the Geezer’s New Year’s Resolutions I wrote about, remember? Anyway, when he told me his plan, I asked, “How you gonna do that?”
“I’m going to hold a garage sale,” he said.
“A what??” Our garage is under our house, I couldn’t figure…
“You know, a yard sale!” The Geezer squinted at me. He looked perplexed, like I should know how he could sell either without our moving.
I rolled my eyes and ended up looking skyward. “If I knew, I wouldn’t have asked.” I’d figured it out, but decided to make the old boy explain it to me. You have to train humans to express themselves clearly.
“Sandy, a garage sale refers to material that was in the garage, but that you want to dispose…” The Geezer frowned. My smug expression gave me away. “Smart ass!” he said.
I watched the preparations as he spent most of his waking hours opening boxes, sorting, cleaning, polishing, and pricing the “junk.” He bought cleaning chemicals, rags, and brushes. He also bought a couple large folding tables to display the hoard to his would be customers. The stickers he used to put the prices on had to be purchased. When Mrs. G asked how anyone would know we were having the sale, he decided to make signs and put an ad in the local fish wrapper. Mrs. G suggested it would be “nice” to have coffee and tea for people stopping to shop. Mrs. Gator’s wish is the Geezer’s command so he purchased some flavored coffee and tea, creamer, sugar, and Styrofoam cups. After looking at the amounts scribbled on the tags, I shook my head. The Geezer just isn’t an economic genius.
Game day! The people milled around the tables, picked up items, examined them critically, and put them back down. A few bought “stuff,” but generally offered less than what the sticker requested. When the crowd disappeared, Mrs. G packed the left-over material in the pickup and made the trek to Goodwill! That was 2/3rds of what the Geezer started with.
The next day, after he returned from the chiropractor, I asked, “Well, did you make any money?”
He smiled, then winced. His back was very tender. “Yep, I took in $187.47,” he said proudly.
“But how much did it cost you?”
“Let’s see.” The boiler in his cranium began to build up steam. “The tables were $22 each, that’s 44.” He hesitated allowing the engine’s pressure to raise. “Cleaning supplies were $14, coffee and such were…$17, stickers were $3, material for signs $6,” his enthusiasm was waning- reality can do that to you, “two days ad in the paper was $55.” Yes Columbus, the world is round.
“That’s $139. So you made 187.47, less 139, less the cost of the 60 mile trip Mrs. Gator made to Goodwill, say $10. I’m not Einstein, but doesn’t that mean you actually made $38.47?”
The Geezer didn’t look like he retained any thoughts comparing him to Einstein. He did look sheepish. He said, “I’ll rethink my next garage sale before I have one. Or not.”
I wanted to mention the $60 doctor visit, but have learned to keep my muzzle closed when it’s appropriate. Besides, the Geezer’s bad back couldn’t be directly blamed on the garage sale.
As customers milled around the tables, the Geezer was seated in a camping chair and I was lying next to him. He’d tied my leash to the chair’s back, keeping me from creating mischief. So he thought. Up pulls this Cadillac. Directly behind the Geezer’s chair, out steps this male, rich, handsome, endowed, great Dane. Come on, I’ve got hormones! I took off to greet this Adonis. Unfortunately, I forgot about the leash.
Wham!!! When I came to the leash’s end, it slamed the Geezer and chair over backward. He looked like an out-take from one of the “Beethoven” movies. I stopped abruptly when I felt the impact tremor. The Geezer ain’t a light weight. His legs extended upward toward the sun, making a huge letter “V” for the 20 folks who couldn’t help but chuckle. They quickly helped him up and, not being a dumb dog, I quickly was a contrite canine. Or made that appearance.
Still, it was difficult to keep from laughing for a thought had flitted across my mind. It was a good thing the Geezer isn’t Scottish. Imagine the scene if he wore a kilt!
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