Tags: Blue Ridge Bookfest, Books, dogs, fiction, Hendersonville NC, Humor, life, publishing, Reading, Writing
Have you ever been faced with the dilema of feeling obligated to deliver “bad” news? To a friend? To an associate at work or at another organization? A relative? It’s not a fun experience.
I’ve recently been faced with delivering some not so nice facts in common situations. After a lot of ear scratching, I’ve come up with a few suggestions you might want to try if “forced” to be the harbinger of doom.
Upon having to tell someone they’ve gained a little too much weight–
“Gosh, you need to take pictures with your old camera. The pictures taken with your new cell phone (I-pad, etc.) make your clothes look tight.”
Upon having to tell someone they didn’t make the team–
“You’re lucky. You’ll be able hang-out every afternoon, drinking soda (beer, or whatever) and watch TV while I’m sweating my boobs (balls) off with the team.
Upon having to tell someone their cooking leaves room for improvement–
“Aaaaaa, Aaaaaa, Aaaaaa…Next time we eat, let’s not have you work so hard. Let’s go to MacDonalds.”
Upon having to tell someone a trip to the shower is in order–
“Wow! All that stuff about danger to our environment is true. Did you notice that a skunk and three buzzards died as you passed by?”
More news! I’m going on the Geezer’s and Mrs. G’s trip! They’ll be at the Blue Ridge Bookfest in Hendersonville, NC on Friday, May 17th and Saturday May 18th. It’s held on the Blue Ridge Community College campus. He’ll be introducing his new book Blue Water, Red Blood that was just released May 1st. We’ll also be stopping at some book clubs (like the Lake Sinclair Book Club) and book stores (Malaprops, B&N, etc.) on the way up and back. I could use a suggestion as to what a flat lands, semi-tropical canine should wear in the mountains this time of year. A waterfall close to where I’m going, is shown at the left. You folks who live in or are visiting the area be sure to come see us “a spell.”
Tags: Books, dogs, Humor, life, nature, publishing, Reading, wildlife, Writing
This is a special pic for one of my human bloggin’ friends. Yes, JM, there is a Santa and a Sawfish.
I loved your Narwhale post, Accidental Stepmom! Here is the answer to your question. My human says that when he was young (wheels were square and made of stone then) these critters weren’t that rare. He almost stepped on one that was eight feet give or take a foot. This is what can be called a pants soiling experience.
visit the Geezer’s blog at http://www.dlhavlin.wordpress.com
and his website at http://www.dlhavlin.com
Tags: Books, Congress, dogs, Humor, life, Media, Politics, publishing, Reading, Writing
The Geezer and I were watching TV this morning. As usual, the Geezer was tuned to the news in the off chance that someone in government…or in major corporations… or even within the media, did something to give us a little faith things would be alright.
The first three items covered were:
- High-ranking bank officials were reengaging in the same lending practices (making housing loans to those who couldn’t afford it) that destroyed the country’s economy. You know, those folks that are “too big to fail.” Humans don’t seem to understand that when you reward bad behavior with a bailout or something similar it encourages more of the same. Every mommy dog I know has better sense than to let her pups get away with manure like that.
- Those paragons of virtue, Congress and the President, quietly gutted the insider trader law that was passed a year ago (before the election). You know, the one that kept them from benefiting from having government information that would effect future fortunes of a stock. Remember, the one our President said, “Was overdue” and that, “Congress should be playing by the same rules as any other citizen.” Well, we have bipartisanship at last – Both parties passed and the President signed the bill that effectively repealed the law. They sneaked it through quietly, notice that?
- The Geezer changed channels trying to lessen his depression. A media type was explaining why it was fine to allow government officials to eavesdrop on innocent private citizens email without the protection the constitution provides, while it wasn’t okay for law enforcement to continue to question a guilty terrorist to protect the rest of us. And they say dogs are dumb. We are consistent…we always bark at the postman.
The Geezer sadly shook his head, turned off the TV, and turned on the stereo. He mumbled, “I’d say the country is going to the dogs, but I know they’d do a better job running it than the idiots of BOTH parties who run it today.” I agree him…that’s true.
I remembered a bit of wisdom from one of the Geezer’s own books and I repeated it to him.
“It’s no coincidence that big-shot and big-shit are almost spelled the same.”
Tags: Agents, Books, dogs, family, Humor, life, publishing, Reading, Reviews, Writing
It seems like forever since I’ve had my paws on the computer keyboard. You probably have already guessed the Geezer has been away and that precludes my access to “our” internet accounts. Before he left he said, “Oh, I won’t be gone long. I’ll be back so quick you won’t even think about it.” Of course, I knew those remarks were placating, not truthful. In Doganese we classify that kind of speech under the category called, “Humanaucity Bullus Shittus.”
My buddy Oreo, eaves dropped as the Geezer and I discussed his prolonged absence. When I asked him what took him so long to get back, about the only excuse he didn’t use was that I’d eaten his homework. Oreo’s feline tail twitched. There were weather problems…rain, snow, hail, tornadoes, volcano eruptions, asteroid showers…and whether problems…he didn’t know whether to go to this or that event, or take this or that road, or stay at this or that hotel. The cat rolled his eyes in disbelief. The Geezer claimed he forgot several things and had to retrace his steps and repeat tasks. I can believe that; he’d forget his ass if it weren’t so big and firmly attached. My black and white friend rolled on his back, his belly heaving with repressed laughter.
After a series of apologies that fall under a similar Doganese sub-category “Humanaucity Bullus Insincereioso Shittus” Oreo and I were left alone to ponder whether the Geezer really believed we were that stupid. Oreo looked skyward and purred, “If you’re going to lie you should at least try to be good at it.”
I was steamed. I love the Geezer, but it infuriates me when he won’t just come out with the plain unvarnished truth. “Damn it Oreo, I wish he’d just say… sorry. I screwed up…and let it go at that.”
“That’s just the human way.” Oreo stretched his front legs out in front of him, pushing his rear high in the air at the same time. He looked out the window. “Look, Sandy, the Night Herons are back building nests again this year.” Oreo licked his chops, a feline reflex for he’d abandoned any form of hunting for a cushy inside-the-house life.
“Humans don’t seem to bother you much,” I said.
“The Geezer doesn’t.” Oreo got a sly grin on his face. The cat had seen some rough younger years before he came to live with us. “You have to rub a lot of legs before you find your prince.” He looked very wise and provided some sage advice. “Sandy, when you’re warm, well taken care of and fed regularly…bark less and wag more. You may quote me.”
visit the Geezer at
Tags: Books, dogs, Florida, Florida State Fair, Friends of the Library, Humor, life, publishing, Reading, Writing
It’s been a busy few weeks. The Geezer, Mrs. G and I have traveled around the state of Florida going to events, meeting some of you and generally having a good time. I’ve been to the Friends of the Library in Bonita Springs, the bluegrass music festival in Yeehaw Junction, the Whiskey Women’s Club in Fort Myers and the Florida State Fair in Tampa.
The Geezer spoke at these events. I pretty much did as I pleased. At Bonita Springs I had a chance to hob-nob with some of Southwest Florida’s nicest folks. I want to thank Frank and Fran Gallo for making us feel so welcome. Though I’ve heard the Geezer’s speech on the historical background behind his book, “Blue Water, Red Blood,” a few times, I pick up something new each time mainly due to the questions the audience asks.
Yeehaw and KD Bass’s Bluegrass Festival was a wonderful three days of paw tapping to the banjos, mandolins, fiddles and guitars. There were so many fine people and canines there, getting to know them was a blast. The Geezer and I met readers from all over the state. And, a lot of visitors from around the US.
Whiskey Creek Country Club was the site of the Geezer’s chance to “show-off” is knowledge of Fort Myers history. What a lovely, friendly bunch of ladies attended. They were interested in his mumblings and slide show. I have to admit the old boy’s mind was functioning on all three cylinders, the ones not rusted up.
Finally, the STATE FAIR! Wow! Double WOW! I got to visit the frontier village built as a permanent part of the Florida State Fair Grounds. It’s called Cracker Country. How cool it was to see the human’s dressed up like their ancestors and performing tasks like bull-whip making, carving, forging, and candle making the same as humans did 100 years ago. The Geezer was in his glory, talking to hundreds of people about Florida history and his books. By the way, the fair continues through Sunday, February 17. Visit if you get a chance.
I’ve asked Mrs. G to put some pictures in this post. They’re below.
Visit http://www.dlhavlin.com to see what the Geezer’s doing.
Tags: Books, dogs, Florida State Fair, History, Humor, life, publishing, Reading, Writing
What does a canine do at the fair? The Geezer says I’m going with him and Mrs. G. He’s going to be doing his author thing at the Florida State Fair this weekend. Something about signing books at the Cracker Country Store this coming Friday, Saturday and Sunday. That’s fine for him but how about me? And Mrs. G. What can the two of us do?
I asked the Geezer, “Okay, what do you suggest I do? I’d like to spread my wings. Do new things.”
“Hmmmmm,” he said as he scratched his old cranium trying to awaken the remaining gray matter. “You could cruise through the arts and crafts.
“Arts and crafts? What would I do with them? There’s not much room on my pillow to decorate.”
“I see your point. You could visit the live stock displays. They’re all the best of their breeds. Just think of all the new four-footed connections you could make.”
“I don’t think so. Have you ever tried talking to a cow? They’re only slightly more intelligent than your average politician. Talk about being at the bottom of the smarts garbage can. As far as being attractive…I’d only be interested in a dog show. Do they have one there?”
“Probably not, Sandy.” He scratched his head more furiously trying to accelerate his thought process. “Oh…I know…you can take in the rides. They twist, turn, spin, fly…wow! That would be a great new experience.”
“I don’t know…”
“Oh don’t worry! As long as you don’t eat all the food that’s available for hundreds of vendors you’ll be fine. Candy Cotton, Corn Dogs, Funnel Cakes, Fried Ice Cream…”
“Food? Vendors? Hundreds of? Candy Cotton, Corn Dogs, Funnel Cakes, Fried Ice Cream. No problem, I’ll be fine,” I said.
Life is great at times.
Tags: bluegrass, Books, dogs, Entertainment, Humor, life, publishing, Reading, Writing
Get out your toe-tappin’ boots! The Geezer is taking me with him this weekend. We’re going “Bluegrassing.” Yep, I can hear the banjos strumming and the mandolins humming. I’m going to the Yeehaw Bluegrass Festival with my human and Mrs. G. I’m excited, I’m just a country dog at heart.
The Yeehaw Festival is one of the best bluegrass music events held in Florida AND the US. Nothin’ Fancy, Pine Mountain Railroad, Lorraine Jordan, Florida Bluegrass Express, and many more super groups will appear. It will be going on Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Yeehaw is about an hour south of Orlando right off the Florida Sunshine Parkway. It’s easy to get there. If you want more info, go to http://www.yeehawbluegrass.com.
Ya’all come I’d like to meet you!
Tags: Books, dogs, Humor, life, New Years, Politics, publishing, Reading, Writing
My human, the Geezer, has given up on New Year’s resolutions and has substituted “hopes” in their place. That sounds like one of his rare good ideas so I’ve decided to subscribe to it. Here are some doggie wishes for my canine friends and me for 2013.
1. Fleas and ticks will genetically evolve and no longer have a taste for dog’s blood. Instead, they will develop a craving for selective types of human plasma. I have some suggestions. How about tax collectors, some lawyers, and most particularly, all politicians. They’ve sucked blood from everybody else for so long that only seems fair.
2. The winners of the Westminster Dog Show get to make their owners, trainers and handlers put leashes around their necks and are they’re forced to run around the ring like idiots while we hold the ropes.
3. The FHA adds dog houses to the growing list of entitlements the Federal Government is distributing. It’s only fair all dogs are given free dog houses. After all, we all breathe, don’t we? That seems to be the standard these days. Let’s see…I want two swimming pools, a four car garage, a vibrating bed, and a vault for my food stamps.
4. The price of dog food doesn’t sky-rocket like the cost of everything else will because of the human fools that are running the country. I think I’ll have to classify that in the vain hope category.
5. All dogs will be given a place at the human meal table so we get a fair share. Either that or all humans can get down and all fours and eat the dog food they feed us. That’s probably more likely…human’s are driving their cars in reverse now days.
6. Any human that abuses or abandons a canine will develop painful boils on 95% of their bodies for which there is no cure. Oh, and their hair falls out. Oh, oh, and they have to watch and listen to the Ed Show and the O’Reilly Factor played continuously on a split screen 75″ TV with the sound turned up to 250 decibels, until they start gouging their own ears and eyes out. Oh, oh, oh, and they fall off a boat in shark and crocodile infested waters. I’ll share that hope with cats, horses, hamsters, or any other type pet that humans abuse.
7. That all the fireplugs are replaced with replicas of the White House and Capitol Building so we can do to them what they’ve been doing to our humans.
8. That there is a prohibition placed on importing Chinese cookbooks. I enjoy eating dinner, not being it.
9. My human drops my dinner dish and breaks it. And…he can only buy one that’s at least twice as large.
10. That we canines have the good sense to remain our doggie selves and don’t try to become more like (shudder) humans. I think that’s a very safe hope. After all, only humans are stupid and vain enough to want to be what they’re not!
Have A Happy Canine New Year!
Tags: Books, Christmas, dogs, family, holidays, Humor, life, publishing, Reading, Writing
It’s getting close to the time old Santa will hitch the reindeer to the sleigh, pack his sack with goodies and leave the North Pole for places south. I’ve been busy helping the Geezer with his book signings, decorate for the season and finding presents for his family and friends. My blogging hasn’t been as frequent as I would like, but I promise I’ll do much better after the first of the year.
Speaking of presents, a lot of you have asked me…to ask him…if he would post his short story, “Claus and the Consultant,” so many of you enjoyed three years ago. It was a Christmas present to all his friends, family and readers. It’s hilarious. It’s back. Go to his blog at http://www.dlhavlin.wordpress.com or his web site at http://www.dlhavlin.com to read and laugh!
The Geezer and I have been doing so many things, I thought I’d post some of the pictures and captions of the events here and talk about them later. Though I’m sure I’ll write between now and then — MERRY CHRISTMAS — Just in case!
Tags: autumn colors, Books, dogs, Humor, life, Oak Ridge, publishing, Reading, Scopes trial, Writing
Hooray! I’ve been traveling again. The Geezer has finally realized that he simply can’t get his old carcass to function properly unless I’m somewhere in his close proximity. So, when he took his last trip to Tennessee, I protected the rear seat of our SUV. I got to go to the land of old rocky top.
It was my first trip to the North in cooler weather. The temperatures certainly were a welcome change from the ninety degree days we’d been having on Pine Island. My coat was tailored for this kind of environment…it was invigorating.
Another first was seeing the leaves turn from green to a collage of orange, scarlet, beige, pink, tan, and some colors that don’t have a name. How magnificent! I ask Mrs. G to add a few pictures to this post. We stayed at Watts Bar Lake in the mountains. Talk about different. I never have been up and down slopes so many times. The only thing I didn’t like – ticks. Ouch!
While I lazed around the cabin, the Geezer and Mrs. G went on a couple side trips with their friends, Chet and Betty. They visited the site of the Scopes Monkey Trial, in Dayton, where Darwin’s theory of evolution as well as the teacher who was brazen enough to teach it were taken to court. The movie, Inherit the Wind, was made about it. Personally, I think the whole thing is ridiculous. Imagine anyone having the gall to say man descended from animals. That’s too stupid for words until you realize a human came up with the theory. Imagine me and the Geezer being related! I like him, but I like my chew toy too! Of course, my human believes that tripe.
Just to underline my thoughts about human inferiority, the Geezer and his group were excited and babbling about visiting the museum at Oak Ridge. That was the “Secret City” of World War II where the materials to make the atom bomb where manufactured. Can you imagine getting your boiler stoked about developing a way to kill thousands of your own species? If you listened to the Geezer and his friends talk you’d think some great achievement had been reached. We canines wouldn’t even entertain the thought of exterminating ourselves much less do it! Human’s are inferior, and unfortunately, my human, the Geezer, is one of them. I love him, but… Well, we do have to look out for the less fortunate.