Tags: birding, Birds, Books, dogs, family, Florida, life, nature, publishing, Reading, Writing
It’s that time of year in Southwest Florida. Our nesting season has started. All five nests across the canal have been reoccupied by our expanding family of night herons. We’re interested to see if we have an additional nest of offspring who return to the mangroves where they were born. We’ve increased our rookery by one nest the past three seasons. Two pair of green herons are sprucing up their lodges interspersed in the same mangroves. We have two pair of Osprey that are building nests that are also visible from our porch. The strong winds over last few days severely damaged one nest, but mom and dad Osprey have reconstruction on full-tilt. I’ll snap some pics for you as things develop.
For all you shivering in cold climates, there is hope. Our high today is supposed to be 78F and it’s on its way toward you. Well, it may take a while…….
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Tags: Agents, Books, dogs, fiction, Humor, life, publishing, Reading, Valentines Day, Writing
My human considers me a wise and knowing canine. He often refers to me as “Dogfucius,” an equivalent to Confucius. For the record, Confucius was a Chinese philosopher born in 551 B.C. that is often quoted by humans today. I’d like to point this out as proof of how little progress humans have made. However, I believe we have a responsibility to be charitable and compassionate to inferiors, so I’ll offer my sage advice on how to handle “V” day. I’ll direct my advice to human males – they need the most help. The following are things NOT TO GIVE. Understand, male humans?
1. A membership to a gym. Are you crazy? Do you know what you’re saying? You don’t tell your love, “I’m tired of looking at your fat ass!” Well, I guess that’s okay, if you don’t intend to use it.
2. Cleaning devices. Hmmmm, do you really want to tell your love her housekeeping skills aren’t that good? I don’t think so. Even if the rats and roaches are leaving your digs pass on that one. Besides, old boys – what do you do to help maintain the garbage heap?
3. “Fifty shades of Grey” May sound like a good gift at first, but think how she might interpret that particular book. She might ask, “Is he sending a message to me? Isn’t he getting what he wants?” The next time you come home late from work, expect the question, “Where have you really been?” Besides, think about how many times she lied and said, “That was great,” after a three stroke special.
4. A month’s subscription to one of those food plans promising to make her look like Marie Osmond. Look at my advice in #1 and double it. Besides, she might come out looking like Dan Marino. That’s not a good thought for you hetros.
5. Sex toys. Delivers one of two messages … or maybe both. Are you really that lazy? Have you lost that much interest? Really! Maybe you should consider an amputation.
6. A fishing trip to “Hog Shit’s Fish Camp and Grocery,” in Boondocks Out, Arkansas, particularly if she don’t fish. That includes a shotgun if she doesn’t hunt, golf clubs, a poker visor with mirror, etc. Women aren’t that dumb. Just go buy something for yourself an have the b—s to own up to it. Would you like it if she bought you Tampax? (PS- I have heard there’s good fishing at Hog Shit’s place. You might want to go there, solo.)
7. That giant screen TV, vibrating recliner, etc. This is one those, “Make sure its more for her than for you, sucka,” kind of gifts. Remember, she’s going to be making decisions based on what she gives and under what circumstances. Sucka.
8. Anything after 7PM on “V” day that isn’t spectacular. Spectacular – that’s a BMW, a week at Sandals, a necklace of four carats or more, that kind of thing. Anything else requires, groveling, profuse apologies, and offers to kiss the body part of her choice.
9. All gifts that aren’t accompanied by legitimate respect, friendship, fidelity and affection. That’s what women really want.
All you human males think about my advice. I know that is particularly difficult for your species and gender, but give it a shot. Oh, if this advice is helpful or amusing, pass it on to others and have them visit my site.
Tags: Books, dogs, family, Humor, life, Media, News, publishing, Reading, Writing
The Internet and TV are alive with a controversy. Is being a puppy a crime? Does it matter where you come from? It seems that featuring a puppy in a Go-Daddy commercial that doesn’t strictly conform to a portion of the public’s belief system, is causing all kinds of consternation. I can identify with the star of the commercial; I looked a lot like ‘em when I was that age. See my picture above? The poor pup’s debut in the Super Bowl ad is cancelled!
The last ten seconds of the ad were … ah … let’s not call it stupid, but I can’t find a better synonym right now. Who is the advertising agency appealing to, the Marquis De Sade? Those humans on Madison Avenue are supposed to be geniuses. Right? I guess if your hat size and IQ are within a few points they qualify.
With that said, how can a commercial get some folks’ panties wadded up so tight? (Glad I’m canine and don’t wear them.) I came from a breeder. They’re not all evil like the tone of much of the doggie poop I see on the I-net would have you believe. My breeder slept on the floor with my brothers, sisters, and mommy to get us used to living with humans, insisted on interviewing prospective families, and helped match our traits to the house we’d soon call our own.
Think of the poor puppy in the commercial. A career that could rival Lassie’s or Rin Tin Tin’s has been sidelined. The dangers that puppy faced: trains, no planes, but automobiles. Neither rain or sore paws could dampen her or his acting effort. Leave it to snarky narrow-viewed humans to louse things up. Oh well, you expect it from the species.
Tags: Books, dogs, family, Humor, life, Politics, publishing, Reading, relationships, Writing
One of the greatest things about being a dog is that we don’t care about color. No, we’re not color blind. We just don’t have the weakness that humans suffer from … over reaction to the shade that something exhibits. They get very emotional about the whole thing.
Take red for example. They give it all sorts of traits it doesn’t have. Humans equate it with stop. Why? Something green like a cactus might mean you want to stop before touching. Red’s the color humans have assigned to be associated with sex. Think about it: Red dress, Red-light district … When a lady changes the color of her night gown from pink to red it isn’t because she’s dreaming of eating chicken soup for lunch.
This is one of those things I could get preachy over so I’ll cut to the most important difference I see between humans and canines AND one of those things that make us so superior to humans.
Like canines, humans come in all sorts of colors and shades. The crazy part is that humans react emotionally to those colors without any logic to what they say and do. Certain colors mean certain things to them and they refuse to look at the members of their own species objectively. Other dogs don’t look at me as a friend or enemy because of my golden coat. White dogs don’t look at black dogs and make a negative value judgment. And the reverse of that is true. What counts in canine relations is how that individual treats us. We don’t want to be denied OR given credit for what we do because we are a different shade than the canine next store. It’s what we do not the way we look that’s important to the way we dogs interact.
To bad humans are slow learners – they could improve themselves if they just watch us more carefully.
Tags: Books, Christmas, dogs, family, funny stories, holidays, Humor, life, publishing, Reading, Writing
All right – I hear you. I convinced the Geezer to leave his story, Claus and the Consultant posted on his blog page for two more days. If you haven’t read it yet, try it, you’ll like it. Visit him at http://www.dlhavlin.wordpress.com It takes about ten minutes to read, but you’ll find it ten of the best minutes you’ve spent this week.
Tags: animal tales, Books, Christmas, dogs, family, funny stories, Humor, life, publishing, Reading, Writing
The Geezer and I have a present for you and your friends. It’s a package of laughs in the form of a blog post named “Claus and the Consultant.” Learn what happens when Santa seeks help from an efficiency expert. Visit my human’s blog to read it —- http://www.dlhavlin.wordpress.com —- and enjoy. (There’s a link on this page) Spread the joy to friends and associates.
Tags: Books, Christmas, dogs, holidays, Humor, life, publishing, Reading, Writing
I’ve decided I’d better get some more requests off to Santa. This is especially for my canine friends.
For Lucy, one of the neighborhood cocker spaniels – access to her human’s birth control pills. She literally needs litter relief
For Boog and Boob the twin beagles three doors down – Voice lessons by some qualified professional. Santa, Think Celine Dion and Frank Sinatra types, not Lady Gaga or Bruce Springsteen clones. I need some sleep.
For Peter the pointer – The knowledge to know that anything long and black lying on the ground should not be chewed on … that includes snakes, hoses, and heavy duty electric cords. Particularly, electric cords. Very, very much, electric cords.
Also for Peter the Pointer – Hair pieces for bald spots acquired from not having the proper knowledge referred to in the item above.
For Manny my Chihuahua friend – Either longer rear legs or the wisdom to stop dating Great Danes and St. Bernards.
Hang in there Santa, I’ve got more coming!
PS – My human will be posting one of his most popular Christmas stories on his blog tomorrow! It’s had thousands of views in the past – Claus and the Consultant. Click on the link on my post or go to http://www.dlhavlin.wordpress.com
Tags: Books, Christmas, conservative, dogs, holidays, Humor, life, publishing, Reading, Writing
Here’s my second installment for Santa. I plan to mail this off immediately since these wishes will take some time.
#1 – For the store owners and other innocents damaged by looting and malicious destruction of property in Ferguson – Santa how about getting Missouri’s Governor and/or the Federal Government to provide grants to those harmed by the thugs rioting in that city. State and Federal executive branches did little to nothing to stop a predictable disaster and in some cases made it worst by fanning the flames with their emissaries. Don’t we give billions in foreign aid to Middle East countries that hate us? Seems we could re-channel some of that to our Midwest.
#2 – For all the rotund humans I know – Santa ask some prestigious university to develop a “calorie sucker.” It has to be strictly mechanical, not one of those pills that has 45 seconds of a 60 second advertisement explaining the various ways the side effects can kill you. You might start looking at MIT, Santa. I understand at least one of their professors might be looking for side jobs. The guy’s big mouth might be an advantage when testing treated food.
#3 – For those who rely on movies and TV for their entertainment – Santa, please, please, please bring them some actors and actresses who realize there’s more to their profession than being a shill for an agenda and taking their clothes off; writers who don’t keep copying Lord of the Rings, Hunger Games, Dumb and Dumber, Friends, Twilight, and NCIS; directors who lose the keys to the pyrotechnic locker and don’t try to find a new way for flesh to rot off a skeleton; and producers who never have heard of “reality series” and are more interested in entertaining folks than indoctrinating them.
I know those are tough Santa, but do your best.
PS – Santa check my humans blog for his appearance and speaking schedule – dlhavlin.wordpress.com
Tags: Books, Christmas, dogs, Humor, publishing, Reading, Writing
The Geezer, my human, is working on his Christmas lists. That’s wish lists for his friends, acquaintances, and himself. I think he forwards them to Santa Claus for action. It seems to work most of the time, so as I recognize someone’s needs, I’ve decided to write them down each day. Between now and Christmas I’ll whisk the note off to the fat human, dressed in red, with the facial hair. Here’s my first request.
I can attest to the following people’s good behavior and would like you to leave them presents under the tree Christmas morning-
For Sarge, the neighborhood German Shepard. A pair of blinders and a portable cold shower so he doesn’t get into trouble every time Fifi the poodle walks by. His child support is getting sizeable.
For Kim Kardashian’s dog. (I assume all humans have canines to guide them.) Send cash so the dog can buy the woman some clothes. From the pictures I’ve seen, she can’t afford them.
For the teenage girl down the street – Blinds for her windows.
For the seven teenage boys in the neighborhood – Binoculars, if you don’t bring the girl blinds.
For Oreo, my feline house companion – guardrails for the aquarium so he doesn’t fall in while watching the fish. Again.
Tags: Agents, Books, dogs, family, funny stories, Humor, life, publishing, Reading, Writing
AT LAST! I’m back home. The Geezer and Mrs. G got the go-ahead to move back into our house. That’s good for us all. The Chinese drywall and its destructive properties are gone! The remediation contractor did an excellent job. I’m thoroughly enjoying it. My humans … not so much.
The problem is one of those human stupidity issues. It’s things. Lots and lots of things. Things in boxes, bags, suitcases, and just lose. Things that have to be put away. Things that, “Came out of some closet or drawer, but I have no idea where.” Things that my humans don’t remember acquiring, or storing, or using. Things. Things! THINGS! Our house looks like a children’s playroom after a pajama party.
My canine common sense tells me there’s a logical and practical solution. Throw away the stuff you don’t need. It’s amazing how little you have to possess to live. And, if humans were intelligent enough to learn from experience, this should be apparent to the Geezer and Mrs. G. They just spent the last ninety days living out of a half-dozed suitcases, a dozen boxes, and using just a few items that were in the house where they stayed. As far as I could see, they weren’t languishing in misery.
Somewhere in the very dim recesses of their Neanderthal-like minds, the thought of purging the unneeded and the unwanted flickered through the gray-matter. Just flickered. After the two agreed they probably had items they didn’t need, they devised a “system” for disposing of “stuff.” I knew the venture was sure to fail at that point. Committees and systems are the human methods of talking a lot, doing a lot, and accomplishing little. Their “system” validates my opinion.
The Geezer and Mrs. G agreed they’d review every item they were trying to put away and place it in categories. Stack one was the “we need this and use this” pile. Stack two was the “we probably should keep this item for the future.” Three was the “this is expensive to replace” category. The fourth stack was the “check to see if you think we can get rid of” pile. Number five was the “we probably should toss this” stack. The last accumulation area was designated as “trash.” Three classifications would have been sufficient, but even that would tax meager human intelligence quotients.
The out-come – so predictable. Items moved from pile to pile. They’re still doing that. The Geezer saved the left-handed sky hook from the “we probably should toss this” stack, and moved it to the “this is expensive to replace” category. Mrs. G removed the purple, orange, and green Wigwam-lamp from the “trash” elevating it to the “we probably should keep this item for the future” area. Guess what ended up as the area with the smallest accumulation? Trash.
We canines once again prove how superior we are. Human’s should give up on things like TV. They scream at it and complain that it’s not any good. Why keep it? The things they store on shelves, like knick knacks, they look at when they buy and never again as far as I can see. If they need something, they generally go buy it because they have no idea where they’ve stored it. And clothes … what a waste! Put them on … take them off. I realize the frailty of the human body requires protection from the cold, and in some cases to protect human and canine eyes from a disgusting sight, but very few coverings would suffice.
My things consist of my dish, my pillow-bed, my collar, my brush, and my leash. The last three are for my humans more than me. I’m free to enjoy life. Humans are weighted down by things. Oh well … you can lead a human to water, but you can’t make him drink.
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