June 23 – The TV follies


       “Wow, the water’s murky this morning, Geezer,” I said.
       “Sure is, Sandy.  It’s all the rain we’ve had the last couple of days.”  The Geezer Gator pointed to leaves floating on the canal’s surface.  “That’s all runoff.”
       “I can’t see anything under the water like I usual do.  No bait.  No mullet.  No anything.  I wonder if the fish can’t see and are confused.”
       Geezer chuckled.  “It’s kind of like watching TV.  Everything’s so messed up you wonder why you watch it.  I’m seriously thinking of making my set into an artificial reef.”
       “Oh, come on, you couldn’t live without the boob-tube.  The first thing you do in the morning is click it on and clicking it off is the last thing you do before bed at night.”  I won’t let the Geezer get away with anything.
       “Sad isn’t it?”  Geezer snorted. 
       “You said you can’t figure why you watch the blooming thing, but you do.  If you think about it you must have some idea.”  I thought I’d get the old boy to squirm, but to my disappointment, he didn’t.
       “Well, let me see.”  The Geezer got his wise old owl look pasted on his mug.  “Let me eliminate things I don’t like and maybe I’ll be able to isolate why I do.”
       “That sounds logical, Geezer.  Go ahead.  Tell me what you don’t like.”
       “Let’s start with paying for paid advertising programs.  My satellite network sends me 150 stations.  A bunch of them give me a chance to buy stuff I don’t need and don’t want.  I skip over the Gem Channel, the Flannel Underwear Channel, the Obesematic Exerciser Channel, etc.  It’s bad enough I have to pay for these hucksters, but insult’s added to injury when normal channels use air time for these infomercials.  If I tune into Life or ESPN, I’m not looking for Mr Con Manus pushing his real estate get rich formula, so he can get rich”
       “Alright, Geezer, I’ll give you that one.”  I realized I’d fired him up and was looking for an extinguisher.  No such luck.
       “The next thing is TV repeating the same shows and movies over and over.  I’ve seen the same episodes of the Beverly Hillbillies and CSI so many times I can tell you what lab equipment Grissom is going to use and recite all of Jed’s lines, ‘hot-doggy.’  Hell, I thought Hang ’em High was a station for a while.”
       “Okay, okay, Geezer.  Let’s move on to something you like.”
       “No, No, Sandy, I got more.”
       Why didn’t that surprise me.
       “Sandy, a lot of the stuff they’re producing is for idiots, deviates, and duffuses.  I guess they program for folks with IQ’s that don’t reach 70 and have emotional levels terminating at 14.  Some of the dialog–Like it’s bad vibes going out from da dude, like a serious bummer–”
       I tried to end the tirade.  “I get the point, let’s–”
       “I got one more, Sandy.  It’s the agenda’s and some of the people they have on the news–”
       “Geezer!  Get a grip!  Tell me some one or some thing you like on TV.” 
       Old Geezer Gator’s face showed the pressure.  His rusty worn gears, ground and strained.  He’d almost find something then cancel the thought before he could verbalize.  He needed some oil so I squirted the can.  “Hey, Gator, you watch sports and the news a lot, that help?”
       “Thanks, Sandy.  Any kind of football, definitely.  The WNBA, that’s still true basketball.  March Madness.  Indy car racing.  The World Series.  The Olympics.”
       “Geezer, you’d watch a tidily winks tournament if it was on.  Any kind of sport hooks you.”
       “That’s not true!” The old Gator was indignant.  “I’d rather eat dirt than be forced to watch one of those poker shows or worse yet,” he shivered, “a soccer game.  That’s as horrifying as being forced to watch paint dry.”
       “And, you watch the news constantly.  I see the Peacock and the Fox on everyday.  You must like something about them.”
       “True, Sandy.  Our local NBC station has good morning weather reporting and real live journalists for the area news.  Then I switch to Fox.  I like Allyson, Steve, Gretchen, and Megan Kelly.  Yeh! Megan Kelly!  Don’t be telling Mrs. Gator about that.  Those ladies on Fox are really why it has the name.  The 20th Century thing is red herring.”
      “You’re just an HOB.  (for the uninformed Horny Old Bastard) You watch the evening shows too, like O’Reilly and Oberman.”
      “O’Reilly, he’s okay, Sandy.  I just wish someone would take one of his Harvard ties, grab both ends, and choke a ton of arrogance out of the SOB.”
       “Then why do you watch Oberman?  Those two aren’t exactly hitting out of the same batter’s box, Geezer.”
       “Two reasons, Sandy.  The first is Oberman gives me hope.  Every time I watch him I realize that if a rectal aperture like him can attain celebrity status, no matter how obnoxious, stupid, morally corrupt, dishonest, and agendized a person is, they can be TV personality.  There is hope for me and everyone else.”  
        The Geezer’s gears were slowing so I sprayed them with a little more oil.  “You only gave me one reason.  What’s number two?” 
        “Comic relief.”
        

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