September 17 – Fartology


      “Sorry, Sandy.”  The Geezer Gator waved his hand in front of his nose.  “I shouldn’t eat broccoli and baked beans at the same meal.”
       I was glad we were sitting on the dock and there was a gentle breeze to dissipate the flatulence hovering around us.  “Geezer, that was really bad.  I’m glad you don’t smoke.  Lighting a match right now would cause an explosion.  That was a real high octane release.”
       “It was a sheet rotter.  I hope it doesn’t turn that beautiful golden coat of yours green,” the Geezer quipped.  He looked at me and grinned.  “You know, maybe you should contact that T. Boone Pickens fellow and give him an idea for another source of natural gas.”
       It took a few seconds for his words to register, my mind being slowed by lethargy from sleep and the cloud of methane encircling us.  “Oh, you mean the guy that’s running the TV advertisements for windmills and natural gas to fuel cars?”
       “Uh-huh, that’s T. Boone Pickens.”
       “How much broccoli and baked beans can you consume?” I jested.  “Seems you might wear out parts of yourself pretty fast.”
       The Geezer laughed.  “Hey, no single sourcing.  Think about the possibilities.  There’s so much gas being released by cows alone it’s polluting the atmosphere more than automobiles, if I remember a TV program I saw, correctly.”    
       I went along with the flow, “Yep, a completely renewable source of energy.  Just collect it and burn it.  All our energy problems are about to be solved!”
       “Who’d of thought that something as simple as the common fart would save mankind.”  The breeze blew the last of the “rotten eggs” smell away. 
       “Now all we have to do is to collect them, Geezer.”
       “That’s the beautiful part of your idea, Sandy.”  The Geezer’s mind was churning.  I could hear the old rusty gears squealing and clashing as they neared full speed.  “Think about all the satellite industries and disciplines that your idea will spawn.  They may end up naming some kind of economic event after you.  I can see it now – The Sandy Cycle.”
       “Like what?”
       “Oh, just think of it.”  The Gator held his fingers up and tugged at one.  “We’ll need to manufacture fart collectors.  Lots of them.  Think of the jobs that will create.  And fart strainers, that’s a must.  We’ll need a fart acquisition and distribution system, one that allows us to determine the octane rating so it can be sold like gasoline is now.”  The old boy tried to keep a straight face.  “Whole industries will be born.”
       “Who’s going to develop all this?”  I prompted him, though I’m sure he didn’t need it.
       He tugged at his second finger.  “No problem.  A new field of science will develop, Fartology!  Our leading universities will soon be turning out fartologists that study all facets of the discipline.  They’ll study fart formation, composition, conservation, utilization, everything.  I can see Harvard and Yale bragging about their graduates like they do Bush and Clinton.  They’ll smell about the same.”
       I nodded, “That sure is true.  Probably will spike deodorant and deodorizer sales.  I’ll look into buying stock, if there’s a stock market left after the government dabbles in it.”
       “Speaking about government, think of all the agencies it will create.”  The Geezer tugged at a third finger.  “There will be the Department of Farts and Feces.  There will be groups studying foods best suited for fart formation, the toxic effect of farts on the Amazon rain forest, and, of course, quality inspectors from FDA.  Think of the graft and corruption potential.  The politicians will love it.  Even the IRS will get their nose into the business as they sniff around for those villainous -“fart syphoners.”  
       “Interesting.  Who do you think would be appointed to run the Department of Farts?” I asked.
       “Sandy, it will take two highly qualified individuals to run such a branch.  I think Keith Obermann and Ann Coulter would be great nominees.”
       “Agreed!” I shouted.  “I can’t think of two people that are more full of it!”

3 thoughts on “September 17 – Fartology

  1. Thanks for the comment. Yep, those tobacco farms are pretty rough. Luckily I’m allergic and developed a tobacco rash and was able to quit before all hope was lost.

    I love the Keith Obermann and Ann Coulter reference. They would indeed be perfect for the Department of Farts.

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