June 5 – Lie detectors, pedals, windmills, and Beano – A solution to the worlds problems?


       “Why do you do that?”  I watched the Geezer Gator get his tide marker out for his monthly update.  Each full moon he measures the level of the high tide from the top of the sea wall and records its height on a strip of wood.  He’s done this since I’ve been here in our Southwest Florida home– that’s 2 1/2 years.
       “It’s my version of a lie detector, Sandy.”  The old boy looked at the stick and grunted.  “I’ll set this out so I don’t miss marking it.  Full moon is on the 7th.  I forgot last month.”
       “You okay?  You haven’t fallen and bumped your head?  Or developed malaria?  Maybe we should take your temperature.”  Once in a while I get concerned about the old boy’s mental state.  I figure there must be rust on that brain of his.  “How on earth can that serve as a lie detector?”
       The Geezer Gator laughed.  “I can understand your confusion.  This started ‘BS.’  That’s ‘before Sandy.’  Five years ago when the flap about global warming was peaking, I decided to do a little survey for myself.  I’ve owned this place on an ocean-connected canal for 29 years.  I hadn’t noticed any difference in the water level, but unless you recorded the actual height would you really know?  It’s pretty important since the information some folks have been putting out is that this property will be under water in a few years.  I decided to find out for myself.  Was the book “An Inconvenient Truth” fact, or just “A Politically Motivated Lie?”
       “And the answer is?” I asked.
       The Geezer shuffled through a stack of papers stored by the stick.  “In the 63 observations I’ve made, the net increase is 3/16 inches.  That’s in about five years.  Actually, it’s gone down a couple times.   Since the average high tide level is 29″ from the seawall top, and if I use the 5 year rate of increase it means the seawall top will be breached in 773 years.  What do you think, Sandy?”
       “Liar, liar, pants on fire!”
       “That’s my deduction too, Sandy.  But, lets remember there are a lot of factors that may change.  And, while the increase is insignificant, it is an increase.  Things could get worse.  China and India are just really getting started on putting autos on the road.  The global economy is developing new industrial capabilities and power requirements world wide.”  He got his sly, ‘my tongue is in my cheek,’ look.  “And of course, there’s the continuing problem of animal life producing all those pollutants.”
       “Sounds like none of that is going to change.”
       “Let the liars, I mean politicians, have some time to dream up ways to make it appear like they’re working on the problems while at the same time strengthening their political power and padding the pockets of their friends and business partners.”
       “That sounds pretty cynical to me, Geezer.”  I have to keep the old boy in line.   “Just how would they go about that?”
       The old boy rubbed his mustache and looked into space hoping a friendly alien would beam down an answer.  Amazingly one must have.  He smiled and said, “Bicycle pedals, Windmills, and Beano.”
      I couldn’t believe my ears.  “Geezer, what are you talking about?  How do those three do anything to solve the problems of more cars in the emerging economies, the need for more power, gases in the atmosphere?  For example, China and India already have huge numbers of bicycles.”
       “Did I say bicycles?  I didn’t say bicycles.  It’s pedals, pedals, pedals.  In fact, the politicians will tell you that pedals solve the unemployment problem as well.  We’ll hook up those pedals to electrical generators, have the unemployed turn them in shifts, convert all cars to electric, and have GE make the conversion kits.”
       I enjoy a spoof as much as the next canine.  I played along, “What if there aren’t enough people unemployed?”
       “No problem.  The government will simply decree that ALL people must spend two hours, or what ever it takes, on the power tread mills.  Freedom is no longer an issue, government can do anything, like set salaries, cancel debts, bankrupt businesses, make value judgements of a persons mental judgments based on race and gender.  Why not tell us we have to do our part for the collective?”
       No sense reasoning with the Geezer when he gets those hypotheticals rolling.  He always seems to come up with another tale.  I decided to move on.  “The windmills are for generating power, right?”
       “Yep.  GE will have a monopoly on that, too.  So that fits.  Might be able to use some of the unemployed to blow on the blades.  The government is creating more of those folks in the auto industry by producing more cars in China.  They could set up a couple windmills in the studios of MSNBC, CBS, CNN, ABC, FOX, and NBC so that something usable comes out of those blow hards.”
       “I’ll drink to that!” I had to agree.  I cautiously asked, “Butttt..What about the Beano?  Explain that.”
       “Sure, Sandy.  We can get the government to hire Haliburton to clandestinely put Beano in all foods for humans and all domestic animals, world wide.  Think of the impact.  Less methane to attack the Ozone layer.  You can eat leftovers without fumigating the house for roaches.  Cows won’t poot in pastures decreasing the mating urges of bull frogs and crickets thereby eliminating those surplus populations.  I won’t ever have to worry about cutting a fart in a crowded elevator, having to look at the guy next to me like he did it, while waving my hand in front of my nose and saying, “Some People.”
       I shook my head and said, “Geezer, really.”
       He laughed.  “Okay Sandy, I take it all back except for one thing.”
       My paw covered my squinted eyes because I had to ask.  “And…what’s that?”
       “Politicians are liars.”
       You can’t argue with a universal truth.

www.dlhavlin-author.com

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6 thoughts on “June 5 – Lie detectors, pedals, windmills, and Beano – A solution to the worlds problems?

    • Thanks Kourtnie – You might enjoy a couple of my older posts if you like laughin’ Try “Claus and the Consultant” in December and “Fartology” I’m not sure what month that was in.

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