(A note from the Geezer – sometimes fact is stranger than fiction and more gross.)
Thanksgiving taught a friend of mine a lesson, one that I hope I’ll have the good sense to learn from. I met Manny, the neighborhood chihuahua, on the Geezer’s and my morning stroll. He looked glum, and past hello, he didn’t have a thing to say. Now, that just isn’t Manny!
When we wandered a few feet away from where the Geezer and Manny’s human were talking, I asked, “Hey, Manny, what’s happening? You seem down.”
“I am. It’s my humans. They are being so unfair.”
I know Annie, his primary human, and I can’t imagine her being unfair to anyone. “Oh, how’s that?” I asked suspiciously. Manny has been known to bend the truth. Well, crumple and stomp on it is closer.
“They have me on indefinite time out. I’m exiled from the dining room. It was all because of football, Thanksgiving, and chairs that weren’t pushed in. They forgot their own words. It’s all the humans fault, not mine.”
That made me more curious. “What exactly happened?”
“It all happened so fast, but I’ll tell you the best I can. I was in the kitchen watching Annie cook. It smelled so good it had a hypnotic effect on me. Yes, that’s it. I hadn’t thought about that. I was temporarily insane. Anyway, everybody else was watching TV. I followed her from kitchen to dining room as she moved one wonderful aroma producing dish after another to the big table that humans gather around. Finally, she carried this huge plate with a gigantic brown lump on it and put it in the center of the table. It smelled familiar.”
“Really? Like what?” I asked.
“Like my supper does sometime. I have to tell you it made me drool. Carumba! It wasn’t fair. I’ve heard Annie tell her own children not to do what happened next.”
“Oh?” I prompted.
“Si.” Manny mixes in some Spanish when he gets excited or upset. “Many times I’ve heard her say, don’t leave the chair pulled out if you don’t want Manny to get in trouble. It will be your fault as much as his. But it was Annie who looked at me as she pulled out a chair from under the table. It was as though she was saying ‘come on big boy’. Well, at that instant one of Annie’s guests stuck her head through the dining room entrance and said, ‘Come quick, the kickoff is in a few seconds’. They left.”
“When she pulled the chair out, you sure she wasn’t getting ready to sit down?” I asked.
“I never thought of that.” Manny had a guilty look on his face. “Anyway, it smelled so good and I thought leaving the chair there was an invitation for me to look. And, maybe grab a little snack. I gathered all my strength and jumped onto the chair, put my front paws on the table, and looked out over that fruited plain.” Manny got tears in his eyes, “Oh, Sandy, it was like getting a chance to peek into heaven before dying. All that good-looking and great-smelling stuff piled in humongous dog dishes. And…and…and in the middle was that huge golden brown mound. It had legs and wings and…and…and, now, I don’t want you to think I’m crazy, but I swear I could hear it saying, ‘Manny, eat me’…no dog could resist that. None! None! None!” Manny’s voice was getting shrill.
“Calm down, Manny. You don’t want to have a break down,” I said.
“Gracias.” He paused to compose himself. With a big sigh he continued, “It was too much for me. I knew I shouldn’t, but that mound kept calling. Finally, I reasoned that no one would ever know, and if they did, I could blame Herman the cat. He does those kind of things. What would one little bite hurt?”
“You got on the table, didn’t you.”
“Oh, yes, but it was so hard. The table, she was very crowded. To get to the mound I had to wade through a bowl of stuff that looked like snow, but was warm with a lump of yellow in the middle. And then through a swamp of green cut up plants with white juicy goo around them. My paws sunk so deep my belly rubbed. Finally, I made it to the huge pile. The smell, if you only knew, que lastima! I couldn’t resist. I bit into one of the legs. Turkey! It was so good! Then I tried some of the top. I had to crawl up on the bird to get a bite, but I did. Fantastic, absolutely fantastic. It was so good I had to tell the world. I barked, ‘this is super great shit!’ It only took seconds for the humans to rush into the room. They were really mad!”
“What did you expect?” I said.
Manny looked sheepish and shrugged his shoulders. “I was standing on top of the bird and Annie was carrying Herman so that excuse was gone. I was scared. They rushed the table. But, it was what happened next that really made them furious. ”
“I yelled, ‘the devil made me do it,’ around a mouthful of white meat.”
I looked at Manny dubiously, “Come on, what else?”
“Well, I have this weak bladder…”
I’ll spare you the remaining details. However, when he’d finished his tale I asked Manny, “Did you learn anything from all that?”
“Three things. First, never lie with your mouth full of white meat. Second, never brag about something you’ve done, while still close enough to get caught. Third, never take a human at their word.”
Manny did learn some good principles, however, he missed what might be the most important…”Never drink too much before you eat.”