The subject came up at a meeting of the neighborhood Canine Marching and Ham Bone Society. How can you tell when humans lie? The whole issue rose when Lucy, one of our ‘hood Cocker Spaniels complained about her human. She said, “It just drives me crazy when she does that. I know I’ve got to take the medicine monthly. She gives me that big-eyed innocent face and says “Lucy, I have something real good for you.” Then she forces a pill the size of Mt. Everest down my throat. Why not just tell me it’s time for my meds and dispense with the lie?”
“That’s just another human trait that marks them as an inferior species.” Peter, the pointer, shook his head hard enough for his ears to make a popping sound. “They lie to us some, but they lie to each other even more. We dogs are always truthful with each other.” He looked at me and asked, “Sandy, how can you tell when the Geezer lies to you?”
I thought about that for a few seconds. “Hummm, when he lies to me he starts by saying – Let’s do such and such, unless such and such happens. He knows such and such is going to happen so we won’t be doing such and such. He just wants me to do such and such by promising to do such and such.”
“You’re confusing me,” said Giselle the greyhound. “It’s much easier to watch their eyes. I don’t know how to describe it. They get kind of wide-eyed and have this slimy look in their pupils I can’t put into barks.”
Sparkle nodded her Irish head. “I watch eyes and body language. There’s this program on TV where this lady tells about how you know when someone isn’t telling the truth.”
“Is that on a news program?” Sarge the German Shepard asked.
“Why, yes.” Sparkle’s red fur rose from the attention Sarge gave her. The huzzy!
He quickly deflated her. “You can cross that off your lists. All the people on those news shows lie.”
“That’s true,” Peter said. “In fact, that’s a good way to learn about how humans fabricate stuff, watch those expert liars on the networks. They have all the techniques down. But, you have to be careful, every-once-in-a-while they sneak in something that’s true.”
“Oh, oh, oh, I know, I know!” Manny the chihuahua was in his normal mode. Excited idiot. “How about watching politicians? Aren’t they the best liars? You don’t have to worry about them ever telling the truth.”
We all had to nod and bark our approval. And, that’s a rare occurence for something Manny says.
“I listen to the sound in the voices. If they get this certain high-pitched whine, you know they’re going to try selling you beach front property in Wyoming,” Fifi added.
The only one we hadn’t heard from was Heintz. I asked him, “How do you tell if a human is lying to you, Heintz?”
“I bite them on the balls and bear down until I believe what they tell me.”
“Not all humans have balls. How do you tell about women?” I asked.
Heintz scratched his ear with his hind foot. After several seconds a smile of enlightenment appeared on his face. “That’s easy, female’s never, never, never, never ever do it.”
“That’s so nice of you to say, Heintz, but human females do lie.” Lucy corrected.
“You misunderstood. I meant all females never tell the truth.”
I’ll spare you the sordid details. Suffice it to say we ladies took turns using Heintz’s lie detector test on him. It was amazing how many versions of the truth we received.
# # #