My buddy Trooper and I were discussing all the joyous celebrating going on around us. It was New Year’s Eve and cock-eyed optimism had descended upon our humans in full force.
“Look at that, Sandy! Can you believe what you’re seeing?” Trooper is a true friend and a wise little senior canine. I’ve learned his observations are normally inciteful, if just a tad cynical. I listened closely as he continued, “You’d think that the simple act of the clock ticking for one more second is actually going to change their lives in that instant.”
“It does sound far-fetched,” I had to agree.
“That’s being very kind, Sandy.” Trooper pointed a paw at Mrs…let’s call her Mrs. X. I’ll use all aliases when discussing humans. “Take her. She’s been spouting off all evening about how her New Year’s resolution is to lose thirty pounds. All you have to do is watch her…performing the best imitation I’ve ever seen of a human impersonating a vacuum cleaner, sucking up two bowls of potato chips, annihilating a plate of chocolates, and devouring sugar cookies so fast the futures market for cane went up ten points in the last three hours…to realize that’s bogus. Change? Change her forty-year-old double-wide butt! No way!”
“That’s a little harsh…But…Well…She sure is a groceries disposal device,” I said.
“And, look at Albert the Alchy. He’s about a third of the way to another ‘four puker,’ a night sleeping on the floor, and a hangover featuring a pounding headache that will register 6.6 on the Richter Scale. Seems to me I heard him tell everyone last year at the Geezer’s New Year’s Day football bowl watching party that he’d never get that tanked again.”
I nodded. That year poor Albert had been so potted he forgot where he was, had stripped to his undershorts, and curled up for a nap on the bathroom floor, after carefully avoiding his fresh deposit of used deviled eggs, sweet pickles, BBQ’d smoked sausage, and rum and Coke. “You’re right, but, at least, the Geezer stole his car keys early tonight so they didn’t have to argue about Albert’s trying to drive.”
“The Geezer did do everyone a service. Too bad he couldn’t remove Mildred’s vocal chords. It’s like replay on TV or a sticking record, over and over, the same tales about everything from her gall bladder to her hair follicles.” I knew Trooper had heard enough of the hypochondriac’s annual rant. The poor woman claimed to be afflicted with every malady know to western man, the orient intellectuals, and the aliens who visit Earth from the planet Bullishitius. Her dissertation was particularly ill-chosen this year, for as she sat at the snack table, Mildred’s description of yeast infections, her visit to the proctologist, and the results of her many digestive disorders were particularly revolting. Well, if someone must find a positive in the situation, it did help some people maintain their diet.
“Watch them at midnight. You’d think their watching a big glass ball on TV, that’s all lit with light bulbs, slowly descend from high to low, is going to really change something. Delusional, Sandy. Humans are utterly and totally delusional!” Trooper shook his head. “I know we should have compassion for God’s inferior species, but really Sandy, can you provide one reason for them to be celebrating so?”
I thought for several seconds. “Trooper, if you think that they believe change will come simply as a result of the new year, you’d be right. I choose to believe that my human has high hopes that good changes may occur in the coming year and has the determination and resolve to see they do.”
Trooper nodded his head slowly before saying, “I suppose that’s how they survive…Sometimes, Sandy, you’re wise beyond your years.”