“Well, it’s finally starting to affect us.” Fifi the poodle looked indignant.
“What’s starting to affect us?” I asked.
“The price of gas!” She said it like we should have known what was bothering her. But then Fifi is a narcissist of the first order. If anything disturbs her ego-centric world she believes everyone else should be aware of what’s inconveniencing her and break their necks to eliminate her problem. She spends too much time around people. “My human canceled my grooming appointment. I can’t bear the thought of looking shaggy and plebian like Heintz or Gertrude.”
Gertrude, our resident dachshund, has a habit of looking like she just emerged from a rabbit hole and a muddy one at that. Heintz? What can I say? Maybe he can register as a new breed – “Slobovian Mut.” Missing her weekly trim wouldn’t put Fifi’s looks into either of their categories. Not even close. But, knowing how Fifi’s ego works, I had to get a tad catty. “That’s too bad, you are looking a little ragged.”
Lucy and Barbie our neighborhood’s twin Cockers seized on my remark and twisted the knife a bit. “You do look a little misshapen. What do you think Barbie? Her chest cut is lopsided to the left.”
Barbie said, “Yep. And, the ball on her tail looks more like a watermelon than a tennis ball.”
“I simply can’t be seen in public this way.” Fifi looked thoroughly distressed. That’s a good thing. She began pulling on her leash so hard her human was whisked away like she was skiing over the pavement.
The five of us that remained had a good woof over the whole thing. If Fifi had thought about her problem on her own, we’d have been more understanding, but she’s picked up the human habit of listening to others conversation and adopting it as her own. Our humans were talking about the rising cost of gas…so. I think I’ll take the time to warn her of overly identifying with Homo sapiens. You can only do so much slumming before you trash up yourself.
“I hate to agree with the French on anything, but…” Sarge the German shepherd took a deep breath, “My human put off going to the store yesterday. Said she could get by on what was in the pantry for another week. Stretch things out ’cause of the cost of gas. That includes my treats. I’m on half rations until next Wednesday.
Lucy turned her head to Barbie. “That might explain why two out of our last three trips to the dog park were canceled.”
“Or why our humans got the bicycles down from the spot where they hang in the garage,” Barbie added. “I hate having to run next to those things instead of riding in the car.”
“Oh, oh, oh, oh, it’s a good thing at our house.” Manny, the hood’s cock-eyed optimist was shaking so hard you could have made a malt by attaching a glass to his back. Chihuahua’s vibrate easily anyway. “We all lose weight when the price of gas goes up…well, except for me.”
I felt sorry for my little friend. His pride wouldn’t allow him to accept pity. “That’s too bad, Manny. How much does it cut down on what your family can spend on food?”
“Oh, oh, oh, oh, nothing. We buy just as much.”
“Then why does your family lose weight, Manny?” Sarge asked.
“Oh, oh, oh, oh, my man human makes his own gas.”
“Little buddy, you’re not making sense,” I said.
“Oh, oh, oh, oh, yes I am. I’ll explain it to you. When the cost of gas goes up, my human gets mad and upset. When my human gets mad and upset, he gets indigestion. When he gets indigestion, his stomach produces gas. When he produces gas, he farts constantly. When he farts constantly, my woman human and the kids can’t eat Those farts are real industrial grade, fumigation strength, sheet-rotters. She no cooks much, so the man don’t eat either. Everybody loses weight.” Manny grinned. “But…they smell just fine to me so I get more left-overs than usual plus my regular food.”
“Sounds logical to me,” Lucy said.
“Simple cause and effect,” Barbie conjectured.
“Elementary, my dear Watson.” I chuckled. Humoring Manny is the best way to deal with him.
Sarge rolled his eyes, shook his head, and walked away.
Manny thought hard for several seconds, then asked, “Oh, oh, oh, oh, Sandy…Is Watson your new boyfriend?”