What not to give your love on “V” day — Advice for human males

"I've been close to women since birth, besides I am one."

“I’ve been close to women since birth, besides I am one.”

My human considers me a wise and knowing canine. He often refers to me as “Dogfucius,” an equivalent to Confucius. For the record, Confucius was a Chinese philosopher born in 551 B.C. that is often quoted by humans today. I’d like to point this out as proof of how little progress humans have made. However, I believe we have a responsibility to be charitable and compassionate to inferiors, so I’ll offer my sage advice on how to handle “V” day. I’ll direct my advice to human males – they need the most help. The following are things NOT TO GIVE. Understand, male humans?

1. A membership to a gym. Are you crazy? Do you know what you’re saying? You don’t tell your love, “I’m tired of looking at your fat ass!” Well, I guess that’s okay, if you don’t intend to use it.

2. Cleaning devices. Hmmmm, do you really want to tell your love her housekeeping skills aren’t that good? I don’t think so. Even if the rats and roaches are leaving your digs pass on that one. Besides, old boys – what do you do to help maintain the garbage heap?

3. “Fifty shades of Grey” May sound like a good gift at first, but think how she might interpret that particular book. She might ask, “Is he sending a message to me? Isn’t he getting what he wants?” The next time you come home late from work, expect the question, “Where have you really been?” Besides, think about how many times she lied and said, “That was great,” after a three stroke special.

4. A month’s subscription to one of those food plans promising to make her look like Marie Osmond. Look at my advice in #1 and double it. Besides, she might come out looking like Dan Marino. That’s not a good thought for you hetros.

5. Sex toys. Delivers one of two messages … or maybe both. Are you really that lazy? Have you lost that much interest? Really! Maybe you should consider an amputation.

6. A fishing trip to “Hog Shit’s Fish Camp and Grocery,” in Boondocks Out, Arkansas, particularly if she don’t fish. That includes a shotgun if she doesn’t hunt, golf clubs, a poker visor with mirror, etc. Women aren’t that dumb. Just go buy something for yourself an have the b—s to own up to it. Would you like it if she bought you Tampax? (PS- I have heard there’s good fishing at Hog Shit’s place. You might want to go there, solo.)

7. That giant screen TV, vibrating recliner, etc. This is one those, “Make sure its more for her than for you, sucka,” kind of gifts. Remember, she’s going to be making decisions based on what she gives and under what circumstances. Sucka.

8. Anything after 7PM on “V” day that isn’t spectacular. Spectacular – that’s a BMW, a week at Sandals, a necklace of four carats or more, that kind of thing. Anything else requires, groveling, profuse apologies, and offers to kiss the body part of her choice.

9. All gifts that aren’t accompanied by legitimate respect, friendship, fidelity and affection. That’s what women really want.

All you human males think about my advice. I know that is particularly difficult for your species and gender, but give it a shot.  Oh, if this advice is helpful or amusing, pass it on to others and have them visit my site.


13 thoughts on “What not to give your love on “V” day — Advice for human males

  1. Ahhh, the wisdom of dogs. LOL, the best gift you can give is to walk your wife, twice a day. And jump up and down and act excited to see her when she comes home. If you do something stupid, just chase your tail around for a few moments to distract her. It really is that simple. Men try to make everything so complicated 😉

  2. hello sandy its dennis the vizsla dog hay this sownds like gud advice!!! i am not shoor wot dada got for mama this yeer but i no he gayv her a card with bacon in it mmmm bacon sownds like the best gift ever if yoo ask me!!! ok bye

  3. One of the sweetest – and most vexing – gifts my dear, practical, scientist ex-husband got me? Home electrolysis rig. He thought it was cool, and knew that i was annoyed by those pesky stray hairs on my chin. By the way, i appreciated the gift – this is not why he’s an ex-husband!

  4. One of the best venues for entertainment is a local grocery store after 5:00 p.m. when Valentine’s Day falls on a weekday. You always see men (and women) wandering around desperately trying to score that last bunch of faded roses in the flower section or the really big box of chocolate in the seasonal aisle!


    • Yes you’re so right! There is a line by the card rack as well. Never make one mistake a friend of my human made. He grabbed a valentine card, gave it to his wife, without noticing the first words were, “To my sweet husband.”

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