My human considers me a wise and knowing canine. He often refers to me as “Dogfucius,” an equivalent to Confucius. For the record, Confucius was a Chinese philosopher born in 551 B.C. that is often quoted by humans today. I’d like to point this out as proof of how little progress humans have made. However, I believe we have a responsibility to be charitable and compassionate to inferiors, so I’ll offer my sage advice on how to handle “V” day. I’ll direct my advice to human males – they need the most help. The following are things NOT TO GIVE. Understand, male humans?
1. A membership to a gym. Are you crazy? Do you know what you’re saying? You don’t tell your love, “I’m tired of looking at your fat ass!” Well, I guess that’s okay, if you don’t intend to use it.
2. Cleaning devices. Hmmmm, do you really want to tell your love her housekeeping skills aren’t that good? I don’t think so. Even if the rats and roaches are leaving your digs pass on that one. Besides, old boys – what do you do to help maintain the garbage heap?
3. “Fifty shades of Grey” May sound like a good gift at first, but think how she might interpret that particular book. She might ask, “Is he sending a message to me? Isn’t he getting what he wants?” The next time you come home late from work, expect the question, “Where have you really been?” Besides, think about how many times she lied and said, “That was great,” after a three stroke special.
4. A month’s subscription to one of those food plans promising to make her look like Marie Osmond. Look at my advice in #1 and double it. Besides, she might come out looking like Dan Marino. That’s not a good thought for you hetros.
5. Sex toys. Delivers one of two messages … or maybe both. Are you really that lazy? Have you lost that much interest? Really! Maybe you should consider an amputation.
6. A fishing trip to “Hog Shit’s Fish Camp and Grocery,” in Boondocks Out, Arkansas, particularly if she don’t fish. That includes a shotgun if she doesn’t hunt, golf clubs, a poker visor with mirror, etc. Women aren’t that dumb. Just go buy something for yourself an have the b—s to own up to it. Would you like it if she bought you Tampax? (PS- I have heard there’s good fishing at Hog Shit’s place. You might want to go there, solo.)
7. That giant screen TV, vibrating recliner, etc. This is one those, “Make sure its more for her than for you, sucka,” kind of gifts. Remember, she’s going to be making decisions based on what she gives and under what circumstances. Sucka.
8. Anything after 7PM on “V” day that isn’t spectacular. Spectacular – that’s a BMW, a week at Sandals, a necklace of four carats or more, that kind of thing. Anything else requires, groveling, profuse apologies, and offers to kiss the body part of her choice.
9. All gifts that aren’t accompanied by legitimate respect, friendship, fidelity and affection. That’s what women really want.
All you human males think about my advice. I know that is particularly difficult for your species and gender, but give it a shot. Oh, if this advice is helpful or amusing, pass it on to others and have them visit my site.