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The Haunted Dog House!

“OOOOHHHH” A haunted dog house

Chant to the rhythm of the ‘Volga Boatman.’

The haunted dog house!

The haunted dog house!

Yes…there is a haunted dog house.

Eyes shine within it!

Eyes shine within it! 

Cats go in and never leave it.

The dog was vicious!

The dog was vicious!

It ate postman’s legs on golden dishes.

Dog catchers tremble!

Dog catchers tremble!

The ghost chased their truck into ditches.

It buries victims!

It buries victims!

It digs more graves than MacBeth’s witches.

What finally killed it?

What finally killed it?

No one knows, but it exploded.

It looked so terrible!

It looked so horrible!

Click this link if you want to see it!

 

 

What scares me this Halloween? My list…

I think I’ll stay in bed on October 31st. If I crawl under the covers the ghosts and goblins won’t find me.

I asked the Geezer what Halloween was about. I’ve seen ads on TV. As I understand it, Halloween is a holiday that celebrates scaring humans shitless. (Pardon my French) Asking the Geezer was a mistake. He explained the holiday, it’s background, it’s traditions, it’s international connections, the impact on GNP, the effect of candy on children’s teeth, the average number of steps kids make trick or treating, and so on. That’s a mistake I won’t make again. When the speech finished, I knew the same basic: Halloween is the day folks try to terrify each other. One of the things the Geezer did…provide me with a list of things that horrify humans. Decaying Bodies, vampires, chain saw killers, the IRS. Horrible to humans, not to canines! I eat bats, I’m not stupid enough to get close to anyone running a chain saw, and dead bodies have never attacked a dog. The IRS, the FBI, the NKVD, maybe a little. I’ve decided to make my own list of what scares we canines (or at least, me).

Sandspurs completely covering my bathroom area — Ouch!

These weeds are the bane of my existence!

Huge cats stalking our neighborhood!

It haunts my dreams!

Empty dishes!

Hunger, Starvation, oh woe is me!

The Government!

Dog catchers at work! shiver!

I need to add Dr. Fauci to the list. As I just learned from TV, he tortures puppies to death in his medical experiments.

The big green truck! It has a huge mouth and makes strange noises!

Aaarrrgh! Varoom! Beep, beep, beep! Vast amounts of “stuff” disappears inside of it!

think my list is more terrifying! If you don’t think so, BOOOOO to you!

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Some of you asked about what the Geezer is doing. Go to the right margin of this post, find the link that says, DLHavlin(blog) or DLHavlin –that’s his webpage. He has two new books out, including one anthology featuring the Oak Ridge Boys.

 

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A Scary Fairy Tale for Halloween ……

 

Telling a scary Halloween story to my niece!

This is a scary fairy tale I told my nice niece Remi for Halloween.

Once upon a time there was this beautiful, kind, and loving dog. Her name was Large Gold Sandrahood, princess of the country, Hambonia. It was said of Sandrahood that she wouldn’t hurt a flea. Of course, that was easy for her because she lived in a flea-less castle and was protected by a monthly ritual where one of her human vassals removed magic potion from a silver package and with great ceremony offered the magic, mystic material to Sandrahood as an epicurean delight.

Everyone in the castle and all that came to visit loved Large Gold Sandrahood. They performed all shorts of traditional acts to exhibit their affection and loyalty for her like the ten minute ear scratch, the ball toss and bend over, and the offerings of Pupperoni and Milkbone biscuits. Sandrahood lived in an unending world of love. It was hard for her to believe anyone was baahh-hhaad.

Then one day, when all her human servants were away, a strange person came to the door. That person knocked and knocked and knocked. No amount of barking, to tell the stranger her servants weren’t home, did any good. Large Gold Sandrahood finally went to the door and opened it, but left the safety chain in place. She said, “Okay Dude, whatcha want?”

Standing in front of Large Gold Sandrahood was a huge fat figure completely covered by a cloak with a hood on it. The creature’s head was small and so far back in the hood its features weren’t visible. A squeaky voice said, “Hello, Large Gold Sandrahood. I’m your Granny Hoody Hood come to visit.”

“My Granny is dead.” Sandrahood wasn’t buying the Brooklyn Bridge today.

The stranger’s voice dropped four octaves. “Would you believe Grandpa Hoody Hood?”

“Would you believe I’m Nicole Kiddman?” Sandrahood replied.

“Nope.”

“You got your answer.” Large Gold Sandrahood started to close the door.

“No! Don’t do that! Can I interest you in an apple or maybe some Fuller Brushes?”

Sandrahood left the door open a crack. “No … GO … AWAY!”

“Wait! Wait! I’m a great kisser. I often change into a toad … oops I got that one wrong. If you go up on your balcony, and stick out your tail, I’ll climb up and save you.” The caped crock was getting desperate. He changed his approach. From the rusty annals of TV channels a voice from Laugh-In spoke, “Would you like a piece of candy, little girl.” It sounded just like Artie Johnson.

Sandrahood snorted, “You have more lines than Harvey Weinstein.”

“No problem. I can get you a part in a movie.” The creature moved exposing six odd-shaped arms and legs.

Sandrahood was alarmed. She screamed, “What a strange number of arms and legs you have!”

“The better to hang on while I eat you!” The creature threw off the cape exposing its 300 pound blob body beneath. In horror, Large Gold Sandrahood couldn’t tell if the monster was a giant tick, or a giant flea, or Michael Moore! She screamed as the monster grabbed the door and tried to pull it open.

But ……….. Large Gold Sandrahood was part Boyscout – she was prepared. She held two pictures up to the partly open door. The monster took one look at them, shrieked, and fell over … quite dead.

When her humans returned they were so concerned for her and apologized for her endangerment. One asked, “How did you dispatch such an ugly, vile, evil monster?”

Sandrahood smiled. “Easy, I held up these. I knew one or the other would do him in. If Hillary didn’t, Don would.”

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This coming Weekend the Geezer (DL Havlin) will be at the Deltona Book Fair with his publisher Taylor & Seale and several of their authors. It will be held Saturday (October 28th) from 9:30 until 4:00. The location is at the Deltona Regional Library, 2150 Eustace Ave., Deltona, FL  32725. He’ll be there most of the day and at the fair sale area 1 to 4.

 

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Fall has fell! … The Geezer’s on the road again.

I hear Willie singing, "On the road again"

I hear Willie singing, “On the road again”

 

Fall is in the air! It’s only 92 degrees today and the humidity is 78%. Well, that’s better than its been. It means the holidays are coming and, best of all, the election will be over! It’s also traveling season for us as the Geezer starts his appearance schedule after his hip replacement.

Dogfucius has some bits of wisdom for the upcoming season.

Advice to does. A horny deer and a horny dear both must be approached with great caution unless one wishes to be horned. Approach a horny deer from downwind for best success when hunting. Approach a horny dear from upwind for nostril relief. (Hunting these is not necessary.)

Do not discuss going to Grandma’s house for Thanksgiving with any of your turkey friends.

Buy stock in insane asylums. The election will be over soon and overcrowding will be a problem.

I suggest humans with white chimneys post the following sign on Christmas Eve: “Santa, this is not our outhouse.”

Men, do not argue with your spouse about who will be the back half of your Halloween costume if you’re going dressed as a horse. You are what you are.

Speaking of horse rumps – My human, the lovable old Geezer, will be signing books at the On Point Book Fair tomorrow. If you’re in the Tampa, Florida area, he’ll be at the Westshore Plaza 10AM until (ugh) 9PM. Look for the sign with DL Havlin printed on it and the Geezer wearing his black Stetson.

 

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Octoweenfest.

     (Check out the Halloween Party recipes at the end)

     “Party?  Did you say… Party?” I asked.
     “You’re out-of-order, Sandy.”  Peter the pointer, chairman pro tem of this morning’s meeting of the Canine Chowder & Ham Bone Marching Society, gaveled me down with a throaty growl.  Hey, I couldn’t help myself, I’m a party animal! 
    “Lighten up, Peter,” Lucy said in her cock-sure cocker spaniel way.  “This is a really a big deal.  My human says this is going to be a HUGE party.  Really, HUGE!  She says she’s combining Octoberfest with Halloween.  She’s calling it, “Octoweenfest.”  She paused, basking in the magnificence of her announcement, waiting for all the woofs of delight.  Fat chance of any of we girls giving her the satisfaction.  The boys did, of course.  “Everybody is to come in costume and to bring a dish.”
     “And,” Barbie her twin sister added, “All the costumes are supposed to be original.  I’m coming as Lady Gaga, in a plastic imitation meat dress.” 
     “What are you bringing to eat?” Heintz asked.
     “Lucy and I are serving Ken-L-Ration a la king.”
     “How plebian,” Fifi our resident poodle and snob opined.  “I’ll bring either escargo in a kibble gravy or filet mignon stuffed with Begin Strips.”
     “What are you going to come dressed like?” Sparkle asked while flicking a flea from her red Irish coat.
     “Marie Antoinette.”
     Snookie the lab moved her muzzle close to my ear and whispered, “I here-by volunteer to operate the guillotine.”
     I couldn’t help chuckling.  Everybody turned to look, but luckily, Manny unwittingly came to my rescue.
     “Oh…oh…oh…oh, I’ll bring the tequilla chimichangas, 100 proof specials with jalapenos and tabasco sauce,” Manny said.  The little guy was so excited that, from the tip of his chihuahua tail to the tip of his chihuahua nose, he vibrated like one of those toys I hear are sold in disreputable catalogs.  I don’t know that!  I just heard about them!  On page 76 of the… aaaaaaaaaaaaaa let’s move along.
     “What are you coming as?” Lucy asked.
     “A…a…a…a, a drug runner!”  Manny said.
     “Oh, that’s in really poor taste, Manny.”  Barbie looked disgusted.
     “A…a…a…a, an illegal alien!” 
     “That’s too common, and in poor taste, try again,” Lucy suggested.
     “A…a…a…a, a dancing senorita!”
     “I don’t think you can get the surgery in time,” I said. “Why not get a close hair cut and come as a Mexican hairless?”
     “Okay…okay…okay…okay.”  Manny is very cooperative.  And, maybe not so smart.
      “Well, Boog and I have our costume covered.”  Our resident beagle, Boob, smiled at her son who grinned in response.  “Boog will wear his gray sweater with the mathematical symbol for 3.1412 printed on it and I’ll wear my pumpkin orange tube dress.”
     “I don’t get it,” Sparkle said.
     “Why, we’ll be symbolically dressed as pumpkin pie.”  Boob snuck a pity peek at Sparkle.  The red-head is a little slow.  And they talk about us blondes. 
     “What are you bringing to eat?” Heintz asked.
     “Road-killed rabbit in wine sauce.”
     “Good,”  Heintz looked at me in his “mutty” way and asked, “What are you wearing?”
     “I’ll come as Sandy Claus.  You know, red hat trimmed with white fur and black boots.”  I think the boots are stylish and sexy.
     “What are you bringing to eat?” Heintz asked.
     “Finger food.”
     “Like what?”
     “It’s a surprise,” I don’t like Heintz when he gets pushy.  I asked, “Okay, what dish are you bringing, Heintz?”
     “A really smart dish.”  He gazed upward, trying to look aloof.
     “Like what?”  I used his own words like a sword…I thought.
     “Why, an empty one.  Why would I want to lose the space to put all the goodies you folks are bringing?”
     Everyone laughed, but me.  I tried again.  Heintz is notorious for his lack of taste…in clothes, or anything else, so I asked, “describe what your costume is going to look like.”  I figured I’d get even.
     “Oh…It’s one of those symbolic things.  I’ll have two arm bands on.  One with a swastika printed on it and the other with a hammer and sickle.  There will be a string tied to the base of my tail.  To the other end of the string, about six inches from where it’s attached, will be a large Idaho Baker.”
     “So?”
     “Don’t you get it?” Heintz leered. “I’m going to be a Dick-tater.”
     “I recommend we adjourn,” my friend Sarge said in his deep German shepherd voice.
     “Second,” said Lucy.
     “Adjourned.”  Peter didn’t bother with the formality of a vote.  Too much planning is a human thing.

    Oh……in case you were wondering what my finger food was, try spicing up your Octoweenfest table with these goodies.  Serve with a placard explaining what they are.

Head of Ghost.  (per each)
     1 – slice of provolone cheese
     1 – slice of pepperoni
     1 – ripe olive
Cut ripe olive in two and place on cheese slice for eyes.  Place pepperoni in proper position to be a mouth.  Walla!  A ghost head.

Bat’s eyes.
     Eggs, mustard, mayonnaise, sweet pickle relish, S&P –  What do you have?  Deviled Eggs….BUT, add red food color to the deviled portion before stuffing it back into the whites.  Then cut a green olive with pimento stuffing in two in a manner that the red is the center.  Place the olive half on the egg and Walla!  Bat’s eyes!

Lady fingers.  (per each)
     1/2 hot dog
     1 thin sliver of radish skin cut in an elliptical shape.
     1/2 slice of sandwich bread with crust removed.
     Catsup.
Remove a small slice of the cooked hot dog on the round end approximately 1/2″ x 1/2″ and about 1/8″ deep.  Cut a sliver off of the radish the same size or slightly larger.  Place the radish slice, red side up, on the hot dog where the piece was removed.  Put catsup in the center of the bread, 3/4″ wide by 3″ long.  Place the hot dog with radish side up in the middle of the catsup.  Walla-Walla…You have a lady’s finger complete with polished nail and blood! 

www.dlhavlin.wordpress.com

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October 27 – Why humans invented Halloween

     I asked a simple question, “Why are our humans making all the fuss over this Halloween thing?”  It created a spirited discussion between the neighborhood canines. 
     Of course, Barbie, one of our ‘hood cocker spaniels, started talking before I finished.  She’s the know-it-all that every street has.  “It has to do with scaring away dead people.  Halloween is the day that the dead come back to life and parade around.  Humans get all excited and scared.  They dress up so the dead won’t recognize them and come and eat them.”
     “Yes, that’s right,” Manny the chihuahua said.
     “Human poop, it has nothing to do with the dead.  It comes from a Christian religious celebration called All Saints Day,” Sarge our resident German Shepard said authoritatively.
     “He’s right,” Manny agreed.
     “Wait a minute.”  Fifi the French Poodle looked skeptical.  “Let me understand.  People dress up like all kind of creatures that do horrible things to celebrate a religious holiday?  Yeah.  Sure.  If you believe that I’ve got a space ship in my human’s garage that’s shaped like a boat I’ll sell cheap.”
     “She’s probably right,” Manny had second thoughts.
     Baseer our Afghan said, “You don’t know about these Christians, they can be violent.  Now take us non-violent Muslims–”
     “He’s got a point,” Manny chimed in before Baseer finished, but he didn’t look sincere.
     “You’re all full of it!  It’s a capitalist plot to sell candy and teach their young how to extort goodies from the proletariat!  Read Marx.”  Lucy is Barbie’s twin sister, but boy do they see everything different.
     Manny asked, “Which Marx?”
     “Harpo,” Lucy said with certainty, but added, “Groucho was a major contributor to the theory.” 
     “Oh, okay,” Manny said.
     “I don’t believe this.  Can’t you see this is all a vast left-wing conspiracy?  The Commies are collectivising our young human people.  Soon they’ll have them singing songs about the glory of the Great Pumpkin in class.  Brain washing, I tell you.”  Sparkles Irish blood wasn’t settled.
     “You have a point, too,” Manny observed.
     I cleared my throat and said, “Hummm, if I understand you all… Halloween is holiday that humans celebrate to scare away evil spirits, based on religious tradition observed by some and not others, that some don’t believe in at all, and its a day the young humans are exploited by business, but also a day that two guys named Harpo and Groucho brainwash human kids into being like the Borg in Star Trek.”
     “Who said anything about the Borg or Star Trek?” Manny asked.
     “Oh, that’s just something I added,” I said.  “Does everybody agree that I covered it?”
     “That sounds right,” Manny conceded.
      Everybody woofed their agreement except Heintz.  Manny asked, “Heintz, you’re the only one who hasn’t said a word.  What do you think?”
     “Think?  Think!  I don’t think, I act!”
     “Well, Heintz, what are you going to do,” I asked.
     Heintz grinned and growled, “Bite the little bastards with the bags.”  There’s a man or woman of action in almost every group. 
     I think the whole Halloween thing is complicated and dumb, but considering humans thought it up, I understand.  Give me the good old canine holiday, “Trashcan Tipover Time,” for simplicity and pure fun.

www.dlhavlin-author.com

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