Tag Archive | Fox & Friends

What scares me this Halloween? My list…

I think I’ll stay in bed on October 31st. If I crawl under the covers the ghosts and goblins won’t find me.

I asked the Geezer what Halloween was about. I’ve seen ads on TV. As I understand it, Halloween is a holiday that celebrates scaring humans shitless. (Pardon my French) Asking the Geezer was a mistake. He explained the holiday, it’s background, it’s traditions, it’s international connections, the impact on GNP, the effect of candy on children’s teeth, the average number of steps kids make trick or treating, and so on. That’s a mistake I won’t make again. When the speech finished, I knew the same basic: Halloween is the day folks try to terrify each other. One of the things the Geezer did…provide me with a list of things that horrify humans. Decaying Bodies, vampires, chain saw killers, the IRS. Horrible to humans, not to canines! I eat bats, I’m not stupid enough to get close to anyone running a chain saw, and dead bodies have never attacked a dog. The IRS, the FBI, the NKVD, maybe a little. I’ve decided to make my own list of what scares we canines (or at least, me).

Sandspurs completely covering my bathroom area — Ouch!

These weeds are the bane of my existence!

Huge cats stalking our neighborhood!

It haunts my dreams!

Empty dishes!

Hunger, Starvation, oh woe is me!

The Government!

Dog catchers at work! shiver!

I need to add Dr. Fauci to the list. As I just learned from TV, he tortures puppies to death in his medical experiments.

The big green truck! It has a huge mouth and makes strange noises!

Aaarrrgh! Varoom! Beep, beep, beep! Vast amounts of “stuff” disappears inside of it!

I¬†think my list is more terrifying! If you don’t think so, BOOOOO to you!


Some of you asked about what the Geezer is doing. Go to the right margin of this post, find the link that says, DLHavlin(blog) or DLHavlin –that’s his webpage. He has two new books out, including one anthology featuring the Oak Ridge Boys.





When a disaster hits…Please think of us!


This is just a reminder note to all you pet owners. Please, please, please see to all dogs, cats, birds, rabbits, and all your other non-human friends safety, when disaster knocks on the door. Aren’t we your buddies? Just because many of us have four legs, not two, doesn’t make us any less loyal. Most of us provide you with unconditional love. Should you do less for your friends? Locking us in a room with a few bowls of food doesn’t get it. Would you do that to Aunt Pamela? Or your neighbor Fred? Take us with you and provide for us. Do you really thing we can survive something like you see below?

Rarely can a pet survive this!

Do you want your friend to end up like the ones below?

A welcome helping hand.


Stranded! Be better than __________!









Please take care of us when disaster strikes!

The wonders of Christmas from a puppies POV…

Brandi experiences her first Christmas

My protegee is wide-eyed and bushy-tailed as she gets her first taste of Christmas in the Geezer’s house. The sights, sounds, smells and tastes provide new delights. Brandi’s very first Christmas contact were with the lights that decorate the outside of our house. The Geezer unwrapped them, laid the string on the floor, and test lit the lights. Twenty-five feet of green wire and blue bulbs were something she’d not imagined. Brandi asked, “What’s that?”

I replied, “Those are Christmas lights to decorate the house. It tells everybody we love Christmas and we want to share our happiness with them.” Brandi sniffed a couple of the bulbs, then tried to eat one. The Geezer scolded her. “You can’t eat everything,” I cautioned.

She answered, “I can try.”

What’s left we get! Well…some of it.”

“Oh, you’ll love Christmas,” I told her, “I have one word for you. Leftovers!”

“What’s that?” she inquired.

“When the humans eat on that day, they fix a lot more than they can eat. What’s left over, we get! Well…some of it. Even you can’t eat that much, Brandi.”

“Want to bet?”

I’ve seen her dispose of food. She works like a highspeed conveyor emptying into a bottomless pit. I said, “I’ll pass on that offer.”

Grandma made this. We treasure the opportunity to honor her each Christmas

The next thing she noticed was the banner pinned in place over the front door. Brandi asked, “All the other decorations are shiny and new looking. That one looks old. Why did the humans put that up?”

“Christmas is a time for humans to remember. They keep things that remind them of others and the good times and love they shared.” I pointed to some old ornaments on the tree. “Those remind them of aunts, uncles and special friends. It’s a very good tradition.”

“What’s tradition?”

I thought for a few seconds then answered in terms I thought Brandi would understand. “It’s something you do that reminds you of what you are and where you came from.”

“Like AKC registration papers?” Brandi asked.

“Not exactly, but close.”

Brandi’s new favorite place

It turned a little cooler that evening and Mrs. G stoked up the fireplace. Brandi asked, “What’s she doing?”

“Notice it is colder tonight? Well, humans make a fire to warm up the house. In Florida that isn’t often, but it is nice and comfy when they do. Fireplaces are associated with Christmas, too.” I decided the concept of Santa and chimneys would create information overload for the pup.

“I’m going to like Christmas,” Brandi promptly curled up in front of the fire and went to sleep. Isn’t youth wonderful?


Get out and vote!


VOTE! If you’ve never done it before, do it now! This election will determine the future of the country…that’s NOT hyperbole, hype, or exaggeration. Many people see politics and are repulsed by them. In the past, a significant percentage of the US population has told themselves, “Why bother? Things just stay the same.” This time that won’t happen. The citizens of this country are faced with a formative decision. Shall we continue on the path we have followed for over 200 years, that of focus on individual freedom or shall we proceed down a path trod by others, that of the collective state. History tells us, when it’s allowed, the outcome of both forms. It’s a simple choice. Do what you WANT, or do what you’re TOLD. What makes this election different is that one course may make it nearly impossible to return to the other.

ūüėí Twitter had originally censored this post!!

How Reading Makes Me A Better Bear!

Reading makes me a better bear.


Guest post: The Geezer is doing this post for me – Woof, woof!

About four years ago, I’d had enough! Enough of what, you say? Enough of seeing young ‘uns with no interest in reading. I speak to libraries, civic groups, museums, continuing learning groups, and at book stores. After one of my presentations, there are always a few questions posed by audience members and they are often accompanied by young children. My standard question to ‘our future’ is “What is the latest book you’ve read?” The young ones most frequent reaction to the query is to look at me like I’m a Martian.

I’m not a children’s writer. But, if you’re going to criticize, you to be willing to help solve the problem, not add to it. (If any of you know a media person, please quote the last sentence to them.) I wrote “Why Reading Makes Me A Better Bear” for that reason. Its intent is to stimulate young children’s interest in reading. I print them, sell a few at appearances to offset my costs, and give them to schools, libraries, and organizations promoting children’s literacy. So far we’ve given over a 1,000 away. A two page guide at the rear of the book is a guide for adults to work with a young reader to get the most out of the book. (Prepared with the HELP of PhD. in education process.)

Since a lot of us are confined to wherever we call home, I thought this would be a good time to share…….and to hope you’ll share with your friends and family.

  1. Click on the link below  2) Power Point will ask if it can come up on your screen Рanswer yes  3) At top click on slide show  4) Select from the beginning.

Narated.Why.Reading Makes Me A Better Bear

One page from the book.

Feedback from libraries, etc. has been extremely favorable. If you are a teacher, librarian, or other adult who works with children and want a free copy of the book, go to my web page¬† http://www.dlhavlin.coom¬† then click the contact tab and request we ship you one. We’ll ask you for shipping cost ONLY.





July 28- A recipe for Vega-que

¬†¬†¬†¬† My human is fat.¬† There I said it.¬† You know all those¬†human interest pieces you see on TV about obesity, well the Geezer is the poster…I¬†sure can’t say child…senior for that affliction.¬† It isn’t like he doesn’t try to get slimmer.¬† We walk a mile every day, he lifts weights¬†four times a week, he makes a bona-fide attempt to avoid fattening foods, that’s until someone comes to visit.¬† Then “damn the calories, full gluttony ahead.”
¬†¬†¬†¬† A case in point.¬† His beautiful daughter, her wonderful husband, and his two grand boys visited last week.¬† That meant an interruption.¬† Seven straight days where there was no time for walks, weights, or much of anything that constitutes a normal day in Geezerville.¬† Add to that the fact that some of the daughters friends visited; there was a whole lot of eatin’ goin’ on.¬†
     The Geezer is a good cook.  The problem is he normally prepares things like Steak Diane, or Eggs Bokeelia, or Baked Alaska.  By the time he gets done with the trimmings, the Titanic would have sunk under the weight of the calories he cooks, without tussling with the iceberg.
¬†¬†¬†¬† Problem is, once the company leaves the overeating and break from the routine continues.¬† That’s compounded by the fact his publisher is releasing one of books, he’s working on two more, and generally, he’s trying to head in more directions at once than a cat dropped into a kennel holding nine pit bulls.¬† All this action is done while sitting on his ample ass behind the keyboard.
¬†¬†¬†¬† I give him a hard time.¬† It’s for his own good, bbuuutttt I do enjoy it so.¬† As he pounded the keys I asked, “Are we going to take our¬†9 AM walk?”¬† It was 4:30 PM.
¬†¬†¬†¬† “Oh shit, Sandy.¬† I forgot.”¬† He looked embarrassed.¬†
¬†¬†¬†¬† “That’s all right, I understand.¬† It’s just I don’t want to look like you.”
¬†¬†¬†¬† “Come on Sandy, give the old Geezer a break.”
¬†¬†¬†¬† “Yeh, I don’t want kids chasing me down the street with a harpoon yelling, “There she blows!”
¬†¬†¬†¬† “Ahhh, It’s not that bad.”
¬†¬†¬†¬† “With all the food you’ve put away the last ten days, your brain must be in your butt.¬† And, with all that blubber pressing down on it, I can see why it doesn’t function well.”
¬†¬†¬†¬† “Have a little compassion, girl.”¬† He looked like a toddler that just soiled his fresh diaper.¬† “I’ll get back on schedule tomorrow.¬† I promise.”
¬†¬†¬†¬† “Oh yeah?¬† What are you having for supper tonight?”¬† I figured it would be something with enough calories to power up five sumo wrestlers.
¬†¬†¬†¬† “Vega-que.”
¬†¬†¬†¬† “Hmmmmm.¬† I’ll quit bugging you if you make some for me.”¬† I’m a meat and potatoes type girl, but……….
¬†¬†¬†¬† “Deal.”¬† He went back to making arrangements for his book signing tour.¬† I went to the kitchen and waited.

¬†¬†¬†¬† The recipe for DL’s Vega-que is:

4  tablespoons of butter
1¬†¬† zucchini¬†¬† 9-10″¬† – cut into 1/4″ disks
2¬† yellow squash¬†medium to large¬† – cut into 1/4″ disks
1¬† cup of cauliflower florets¬† –¬† be sure they’re small
1/2 cup of red spanish onion
1/2 cup of green bell pepper
1/2 cup of red bell pepper
2¬† medium gold potatoes¬† – peeled and diced into 1/2″ cubes
10  medium white mushrooms  Рcut in half or quarters
1  can diced tomatoes
1 1/2 cups of catsup
2 tablespoons of whole pickling spice
1  tablespoon of garlic powder

1. Place a quarter cup of virgin olive oil in a large pan and heat to medium temperature.
2. Place butter in crock pot and melt with LOW temperature.
3. Place zucchini, yellow squash, cauliflower, onion, bell peppers, and potatoes into the pan and stir.
4. Place the mushrooms in the crock pot.
5. Cook veggies over medium heat 1-2 minutes then add to crock pot. (should NOT be soft)
6. Place can of diced tomatoes and catsup in crock pot.
7. Add whole pickling spice and garlic to crock pot.
8. Stir until thoroughly mixed.
9. Simmer (LOW heat) for 3/4 to 1  hour  Рstir lightly every 10 minutes.
Serves eight – freezes well.

Yum!  Yum!



July16- Is the whole poll to put a pole in the hole?

¬†¬†¬†¬† “You humans never cease to amaze me.”¬† The Geezer and I sat on the dock while he performed one of the obligatory functions I insist upon, brushing me.¬† “Your language¬†defies logic.”
¬†¬†¬†¬† “Oh?¬† How’s that?”¬† He cleaned the brush sending another puff of my fluffy undercoat onto the canal water.¬† Its surface was blossoming like the¬†hibiscus bushes in the front yard.
¬†¬†¬†¬† “Hmmmm, I was listening to the TV this morning.¬† They were talking about the polls saying this and the polls saying that.¬†¬†Now, I know you have a room full of fishing poles.¬† Okay, okay, I know the difference.¬† But, why not have a different sounding word for¬†every different meaning.¬† In Doganese, Woof is Woof, Arf is Arf, Grrrr¬†is Grrrr.¬† There’s no guessing.”
¬†¬†¬†¬† “That’s a good point, Sandy.¬† As you know, all humans don’t speak the same language.¬†¬†English is the one you’re most familiar with and it’s also one of the worst for having words that sound the same, but have multiple meanings.”
¬†¬†¬†¬† I hate it when he gets into one of his condescending,¬†‘I’ll explain this to you as nicely as I can, you poor unfortunate,’ modes.¬† It’s his Bill O’Reilly impersonation.¬† But, he means well, so I tacitly become his straight-man.¬† “And, why is that?” I asked.
¬†¬†¬†¬† “English, as we know it, has been influenced by the Celts, Romans, Anglo-Saxons, and the Norman French.¬† Each was in control of the British Isles.¬† Each brought their own terms to describe a thing or a process.¬† Those identifiers¬†were simply¬†absorbed into the language.¬† That’s why we have so many ways to say the same thing.¬† Some sounded identical to words already in use.”¬† He smiled one of his patronizing, ‘I’m glad I could clear that up for you,’ lip curls.¬† Puke, puke, puke.
¬†¬†¬†¬† “That doesn’t make it any more logical, or easier, for creatures and humans that aren’t steeped in your hodge-podge vernacular.”¬† I felt like adding, ‘Take that!’ but the old boy is free with the treats.¬† No sense in creating self-inflicted pain.
¬†¬†¬†¬† “Give me an example, Sandy.¬† I’ll try to explain.”¬† He appeared to be a little contrite.
¬†¬†¬†¬† “Okay, explain to me how a person unfamiliar with the lame logic your language employs wouldn’t be confused by the use of poll – which I understand to mean, a study to¬†determine a group of people’s thoughts on a subject used to help influence others – and pole, which is basically a shaft.”
¬†¬†¬†¬† “Why, Sandy, that’s brilliant!”¬† The Geezer smiled.¬† In this type of situation, that’s not a good thing.¬† Something smelled like a five-day-old dead fish.
¬†¬†¬†¬† “I know I shouldn’t ask, but why is that?”¬† I could see the guillotine being wheeled into place.
¬†¬†¬†¬† “You’ve connected the two meanings perfectly, Sandy.¬† So you’re saying that polls are designed to shaft a bunch of people by making them believe a certain way.”
¬†¬†¬†¬† How do you answer something like that?¬† The whole theory has a huge hole in it.¬† Oh, good grief!¬† He’s got me doing it!



July 3 – The song says, “You must have been a beautiful baby.” I was! I was!


My human was listening to some really old music on his hi-fi. Major old. It was so old the plastic cover for the CD has iron hinges that creak when it’s opened. I mean, U-2 is dated, and the Grateful Dean ancient. But these bands… I’m almost sure they were exhumed from an archaeology dig, maybe Pompeii, or some place in Israel, or the Calusa¬†Indian site here on Pine Island. No electric, you say. Come on, you humans haven’t figured out how the Egyptians did what they did. You know back when they were civilized and built more than they burned.

Anyway, the bands had names like “Guy Lombardo”, “Artie Shaw”, “Glenn Miller”, and “Count Bassie”. I’ve tried getting some meaning out of those names, but the thought process has turned up zero. I figure Count Basie is royalty from one of those small monocracies in Europe, maybe Liechtenstein. Oh, and maybe Artie Shaw painted in his spare time. That’s pure guess.

One of the songs they played was, “You must have been a beautiful baby”. I knew that before the Geezer told me what the title was. Back then you could understand the words when they sang. I guess there were a lot of distractions in the cave. He added, “That song certainly applies to you, Sandy. You were a beautiful baby!”

“Was I?”¬† I love to hear the Geezer talk about something I already know. Makes him feel good.

“You sure were.”

“That’s nice. You know I can’t see myself. The mirrors are all mounted incorrectly in this house.” Humans are an inconsiderate lot. You’d think they’d be more obliging to the other species in their houses.

“Well, we can take care of that.”

“You gonna relocate all the mirrors?” I got excited for a second.

“Oh no, I got lots of pictures,” he said. The old boy picked out an album and began showing me what I looked like in my frivolous, innocent youth. I WAS a beautiful baby. I’ve decided to share some of these with you. Hope you enjoy them.

Mrs. G and me at four weeks - me not her.

When I picked the Geezer and Mrs. G

The decision is made!

Me with my mom, Breeze, and my brothers

Mom and I were close

Nap time with my bros.

That was a long, hard day!

Yep, it sure was.

I'm on the left with my #1 bro at 10 weeks

Saying goodbye to my mentor/breeder

Goodbye Momma Breeze!

Visiting my older sister "Gracie" at 17 months

I'm the one with the tongue out!

The Geezer, his friend Randy, Gracie and me

And that marked the sunset of my youth and the beginning of my blogging career-so Walla, a beautiful sunset.

See you again soon. Oh, a PS. I’ll be accompanying the Geezer on many of his book signings for his new book, A Place¬†No One Should Go. I hope I’ll meet you at one of them. Check his website¬†for info on the book and in the near¬†future he’ll post book signing dates and locations there.


# # #

June 21- The game of “Get It!”

¬†¬†¬†¬† If there is one constant with humans, it’s their inconsistency.¬† They drive me crazy at times.¬† I’ll give you an example of what happened to me yesterday.
¬†¬†¬†¬† When we went out for our daily walk, the Geezer took one of the yellow balls with which we play “Get It!”¬† It’s about three inches in diameter, has fuzz on the cover, and bounces wonderfully well.¬† The ball fits in my mouth perfectly; it’s not so small I have to be concerned with swallowing it, not so large I have to stretch my jaws uncomfortably wide to pick it up and carry it.¬† The ones we have are coated with enough of my canine slobber that I could sniff them out in a field of foot high grass, in a fog, at midnight, with no moon!
¬†¬†¬†¬† “Get It!” is a simple game.¬† Since humans are part of it, naturally, it has to be.¬† The game is played in all sorts of venues.¬† In our yard, the street, even in the living room.¬† The human must be taught to do a minimum of three things.¬† 1-¬† Stand or sit in one spot.¬† Most can do this without extensive canine oversight.¬† 2-¬† Throw the ball.¬† This does require some loving canine patience.¬† Some humans throw horribly.¬† No aim.¬† No distance.¬† As in so many things, humans can be quite pathetic.¬† 3-¬† The human shouts, “Get It!”¬† Of course, thats where the game derives its name.¬† Some humans are incapable of remembering that simple two-word¬†phrase.¬† They reduce it to a single word such as, “Fetch!” or “Retrieve!”¬† But remember, we’re dealing with Homo sapiens here.¬† Stringing two words together strains some of that species mental facilities.
     My portion of the game is, by far, the most challenging.  I must bounce around in front of my human racing back and forth to motivate the old codger to make a good long throw.  Second, at the motion of his arm, I must anticipate where he will toss the yellow spheroid.  My muscles strain to explode.  At the release of the ball, I fire off like a rocket, trying to capture the elusive prize before it comes to rest.  In one supremely athletic movement, I snatch the ball, turn, and sprint back to my human and deliver the fluffy yellow bit of rubber to his hand, so he can repeat those simple three steps.
¬†¬†¬†¬† Yesterday, we played the game in a field near the house.¬† As usual, my human tired¬†long before I worked up a good sweat.¬† After a measly¬†twenty throws, the Geezer said, “Damn Sandy, you’d do this all day!”¬† I replied in Doganese, “Does Dolly have big boobs?¬† Do politicians lie?¬† Sure I can!”¬† Either the old boy failed to translate or chose to ignore me for he stuck the ball in his pocket.¬† He offered me a dog biscuit to buy me off.¬† He said,¬†“You sure do play the game well, Sandy!”¬† I know that, but humans are fond of pointing out something that everyone knows.¬† Simple concepts for a simple-minded species, I guess.¬† I admit it is nice to hear, anyway.¬† He ALWAYS does that……
¬†¬†¬†¬† You say, “Where’s the inconsistency?”¬† Let me explain what happened that afternoon.¬† The Geezer and his Mrs. took me to a place I’d never been before.¬† It’s a place that human’s hone their Get It skills.¬† It’s a partly enclosed arena, with painted floors, and an obstacle in the form of a fish net strung from poles.¬† A human stands on either side of the net and uses a handicapping¬†device to make the ball move back and forth over the net.¬† Evidently, during this Get It practice, they aren’t allowed to use their mouths or paws, sorry, hands, to retrieve the ball.¬† I heard the Geezer call the handicapping device a “racket.”¬† I’ve heard other humans on TV discuss rackets and I believe they’re illegal, but….
¬†¬†¬†¬† One of the human’s in the arena was a friend of the Geezers and¬†my curmudgeon and his Mrs. were shouting encouragement to their buddy as he slapped the ball around.¬† Several other canines were laying next to the folding chairs their humans were sitting in, all, I’m sure, were waiting for the real portion of the game to begin.¬† I kept my muscles tense and my eye on the ball waiting to be summoned.
¬†¬†¬† It was becoming boring when a ball was hit toward the Geezer’s friend.¬† The ball took a big bounce on the painted area.¬† It was obvious to me that the Geezer’s human friend wouldn’t get to it in time to slap the yellow ball.¬† Finally, Geezer yelled, “Get IT!!”¬† Of course, I did.


June 7 – Riding shotgun or tailgunner.

¬†¬†¬†¬† “You want to ride along, Sandy?¬† We’re going to run a few errands.”¬† The Geezer should have known better than to ask that!¬† Does the economy stink?¬† Do politicians lie?¬† The answer isn’t yes, it’s¬†HELL YES!!!!
¬†¬†¬†¬† Anytime I¬†get the opportunity to load into the truck, I’m ready.¬† Nothing but good things happen when I’m navigating for the Geezer.¬† If he takes me¬†without bringing Mrs. G. along, I get to ride shotgun.¬† For you uninitiated in auto slang, that’s front seat, passenger side, window.¬† Folks wave to me and I bark back.¬† It’s great fun.¬† I’m sure they don’t mistake me for Mrs. G.¬† She’s good-looking as far as human females go, but pales in comparison to my magnificent beauty.¬† When pictures aren’t available, I feel I must be¬†more totally honest, than modest.
¬†¬†¬†¬† Unfortunately, I was relegated to the back seat today.¬† The term for being exiled back there is flying tail-gunner.¬† Mrs. G. went.¬† That’s not all bad because the Geezer puts the back seats down giving me more space to move around.¬† I still can navigate by sticking my head in between the front seats.¬† Another perk connected with riding in the back is that— if I rest my head on Mrs. G’s shoulder, she’ll continue to rub behind my ears until I fall asleep, or she does.¬† Neither one of us stay awake on long rides,¬†but she has¬†a tendency to snore by the time the car backs out of the driveway.
¬†¬†¬†¬† The first place we went today, was the bank.¬† I like the smell of money that’s there¬†and the ladies that work inside.¬† I have them trained really well.¬† As soon as we pull up to the drive through, I stick my head out the driver’s side window.¬† The Geezer always opens it for me as we approach.¬† My command to the girls is two sharp “Ruffs.”¬† They immediately fetch me at least three treats.¬† If I want more, I simply sit up in the back seat and swing my front paws up like I’m¬†conducting a band.¬† That’s good for at least two more…..¬† Well, there is one lady who never responds.¬† Some humans just aren’t trainable.¬† You know the deplorable mental capabilities of many of that species.¬† That’s why the old clich√©¬†is about horse sense, not human sense.¬† And, heavens, equines aren’t that bright.
¬†¬†¬† The next stop was to get gas.¬† Normally that’s boring.¬† Not so today.¬† Edgar and Edna, two friends and former neighborhood canines were sitting in the bed of a pickup truck that was stopped on the other side of the gas pump.¬† Gosh its great to see old friends.¬†¬† It was one big gab session.¬† My humans and their humans were laughing and talking as I greeted my old buddies.¬† “How do you two like your new digs?” I asked.
¬†¬†¬†¬† “They’re okay,”¬† Edgar said, in a typically reserved English Setter manner.
¬†¬†¬†¬† “Oh they’re wonderful!¬† Magnificent!¬† Just simply superb!”¬† You have to understand¬†Edna is very social conscious.¬† Her lineage was “accidental” that being part Cocker and part Poodle.¬† What does that make her, a Cockepoodle?¬† Crockapoodle would be more accurate.¬† She’s the queen of hyperbole.
¬†¬†¬†¬† “Now Edna, don’t embellish.¬† They’re just nice.”¬† Edgar scratched a flea under his chin.¬† “See, we still have those rascals.”
¬†¬†¬†¬† “Yes, but we have a three car garage, a garbage disposal in two sinks, four bathrooms, and a swimming pool.”¬† Edna was trying to impress.
¬†¬†¬†¬† “That is cool,”¬†I said, “Anything else you have at your new place you didn’t have in the old neighborhood?”
¬†¬†¬†¬† Edgar studied for a few seconds before saying, “Roaches.”
     Some folks are born to convert highs into lows.
¬†¬†¬†¬† Our last stop was one of my very most favorite places.¬† I call it the Parking Zoo.¬† The Geezer calls it the mall parking lot.¬† There’s no better place to do some human watching, and there’s nothing more interesting to do when we take one of our rides.¬† We parked and¬†Mrs. G. left the car.¬†¬† I slid between the front seat backrests and took her seat, which was still warm as I plopped my butt down.
¬†¬†¬†¬† The Geezer asked, “Sandy, were you invited?’
     I gave him my, Get real, peon, look.
¬†¬†¬†¬† “Okay, okay.¬† But, get back in the rear quickly when Mrs. G returns.”
¬†¬†¬†¬† “Sure, sure, quick as a bunny.”
¬†¬†¬†¬† “Fine, fine,” he said.¬† The old boy doesn’t know sarcasm unless you hold up a sign.¬† He put the windows down half way.¬† That lets me see out without having to look through finger and nose prints.¬† “That far enough?” he asked.
¬†¬†¬†¬† “That’ll do,” I answered.
¬†¬†¬†¬† About that time the first specimen strolled up the pavement in front of the car.¬† It was a man¬†from the human sub-species, concedius-arrogantus.¬† He had a bright green golf shirt on that had a stripe across the shoulders the Geezer called mauve when I asking him.¬† He had enough grease on his hair to lubricate¬†the skids used to move all the stones that made the pyramid at Giza.¬† The man looked around, looking for someone, looking at him.¬† His head was held up and back, his facial expression was¬†like that of a human smelling a full discharge of flatulence.¬† You know, the Bill O’Reilly type.
¬†¬†¬†¬† The next sighting was a full parade.¬† It was a Reproductus-prolifitera.¬†¬†The lady in question led her brood of eight stair-step girls toward the stores, their butt cheeks swaying in time with mama’s.¬† All wore blonde pony tails that swung to the opposite side their from where their rears rotated.¬† It was a precision drill team in training.¬† I¬†mentioned to the Geezer, “That prolifitera is attractive.¬† And, she has a cute rear.”¬†
¬†¬†¬† “That’s why she has those eight ducklings following her tail,” the Geezer editorialized in a knowing manner.
¬†¬†¬†¬† About that time, a man with a pot gut, dirty shorts, and a tee-shirt¬†that didn’t make it down over his naval, (his belly button¬†pushed out like a flag) came from the opposite way the parade was going.¬† His legs looked like pipe stems supporting a basketball.¬† He hadn’t shaved for a couple of days.¬† Or¬†taken a bath.¬† Or used deodorant.¬† Or scrubbed his teeth.¬† Hey, I can’t¬†help it that my nose is sharp.¬† The “T” had “Every woman’s dream,” printed across the front.¬†¬†I scoffed, “See what’s on that tee, Geezer?¬† I know what the dream is.¬† Nightmare on Elm Street.”¬†¬†I recognized his genus as Grossis-slobovian.¬† Both the Geezer and I exclaimed together, “He looks just like Michael Moore!”
¬†¬†¬†¬† I was watching the slobovian get into his car, when the Geezer whistled.¬† “Get a load of this one!”¬† I turned my head and my jaw dropped, dog slobber decorating the front seat.¬† “Is it?” I asked.
¬†¬†¬† “Yes it is, Sandy!”
¬†¬†¬† “You see them, but not so…developed.”¬† I shook my head and rolled my eyes.¬† “A real Fattass-humongu-elephatanti,” I added in reverence.
¬†¬†¬†¬† “No, but you’re close.”¬† The Geezer looked me square in the pupils.”¬† That’s a genuine, Fattass-humongu-whalus.”
As the specimen approached, the sun seemed blotted out by its shadow and vibrations from impact tremors made the car creak.¬† I swear that’s true.¬† “Is it male or female?” I asked in fear and awe at the same time.
¬†¬†¬† “Sandy, I have no idea.”¬† He studied the hulk filling the roadway aisle in front of us.¬† “Well, it could…but, then…I think…then again…”¬† The Geezer repeated in awe, “I have no idea.”¬†
     There was a tapping on the passenger side window that snapped our heads around and returned us from fantasy land.
¬†¬†¬† “Who wants a hot dog?”¬†Mrs. G. asked.¬† The Geezer always says that woman can send you right to heaven.¬†