Tag Archive | Media

I thought I’d show you my ass. I see humans doing it on TV constantly.

I thought I’d show my ass. It’s a nice intelligent ass. It has a IQ higher than most politicians and TV commentators!

I have a simple piece of advice I’ve heard my human give to others at times. I hope someone will pass it along to the humans I have to endure on the TV every d—-d day! You know those talking heads and politicians you hear screaming on the tube. The only thing you know when they finish is they’re lying to you.

I truly hope that I may find,

Enough wisdom in my mind,

Too understand that others thoughts may be,

Equal to those that arise from me!

 

Things are so bad this week I find it difficult to bear. I had to bark something. One of my canine friends says his humans are mounting their TV on the wall at a 45 degree angle, so when they watch … things aren’t so slanted.

 

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Why, a question we need to ask more frequently, but alas … don’t.

 

Here I am in the act of pondering why things are as they are. Anyone have an aspirin?

I wonder if there is a more powerful or disturbing word in any language than why. It’s a painful word. Why? (There’s that word) It makes us think. That is something many don’t like to do. I find thinking is particularly distressing for human’s to attempt.

Dogs’ “why” questions normally can be logically answered. Consider our questions and our answers.

Q. Why do dogs chase cars?  A. We feel like bullies chasing squirrels.

Q. Why do dogs have to go outside for bathroom duties?  A. Humans put the toilet paper in places we can’t reach when sitting on the john.

Q. Why do dogs fetch balls or sticks when a human throws them.  A. Humans are too stupid to give treats to their dogs unless prompted.

Q. Why do dogs hate cats?  A. We don’t, but we have to pretend we do so humans think we’re normal … don’t humans all hate some group? Republicans? Democrats? I could go on forever.

Q. Why do dogs chase their tails? A. We only do this when we are bored and need exercise. This can be the result of watching too much television. It is also caused by trying to emulate Congress.

Notice that canines have straight-forward, logical answers to our “why” questions. Dogs admire logic. I’m sure a canine poll would disclose that Mr. Spock would be among our favorite media characters.

Dogs tend to admire strong minded, low key people who control their emotions. That’s why we bite so many TV commentators and politicians.

I think its interesting to consider some of the common “why” questions that humans struggle with.

Q.  Why did the chicken cross the road?  A.  Human’s actually debate this. My question is … Why is there any doubt? The damned chicken wants to get to the other side. So simple, yet humans wrestle with an answer. Who knew ………..

Q.  Why do humans cheat on their spouses?  A. They wear clothes. No one knows what they’re getting until its too late!  (Note: We dogs have a clear vision of what the “possibilities” are!)

Q.  Why do politicians lie?  A. Humans struggle with this and try to come up with all manner of explanations that have to do with ideology, character, etc. Come on humans! Politicians lie for 5 reasons: 1) They believe voters are stupid. (in some cases this is correct) 2) The shape of their tongue (forked) makes telling the truth impossible 3) Most have no idea what the truth is 4) They want to get elected and don’t care about honesty. 5) They will get their own health care plan and don’t have Obama care if elected.

Q. Why do humans buy fancier cars and bigger homes than they can afford?  A. They need the space to contain and carry around their egos.

Q. Why do dogs develop conditioned responses while humans continue to repeat the same errors? A. Pavlov never had to try to teach a human.

Thinking is painful and difficult for homo sapiens. They do other things better. As an English poet once wrote, in part … “Ale man, ales the thing to drink … For all of you it hurts to think.”

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Vindicating vacation value …

“Where do you want to go, Geezer?” I asked.

He thought for at least two minutes, that’s a long time when you’re waiting for an answer. Finally, he spoke, “Remember Seinfeld famously said his show was about nothing? So, I want to do the Seinfeld thing … Nothing. I want to go where I can do that.”

I looked at him wondering if the steam in his boiler had escaped. “Nothing? You can do that at home.”

“No Sandy, I can’t. The phone rings, the Internet calls, my next chapter demands to be worked on if I stay here. So … I’m going where no phone will bother me, where there’s no wifi, and to a place I’m far away from my research notes and computer.”

“Is there such a place beside heaven?”

“Yes, I think I’ve found utopia.” He smiled. “We’re going to Amity.”

The view from Amity Cabin’s front porch – A beautiful 38 acre lake we had to ourselves. Except for fish that lined up to strike our lures.

 

The place DL found was off the beaten path. Let me rephrase: This wonderful piece of seclusion was off a once used game trail. Located in Mississippi near the Alabama line, the farm Amity Cabin is built on isn’t close to anything most Americans recognize as a “destination.” The rolling terrain, the beauty of the unspoiled pines, magnolia blossoms, curious deer, and mirror-like-lake, wrapped  a serenity blanket around us.

Pines in the morning mists

A full house … The Mississippi Martin Family

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We’d been at Amity for three days when the old boy’s wisdom became undeniably evident. He’d found the ultimate location and way to relax. We sat on the porch, watching martins pilot their bodies over the lake, dipping, zigging, zagging, and intercepting insects that would be their babies’ lunch. “I have to tell you, Geezer, I thought you were crazy. You weren’t. This is the closest thing to a battery charger for humans I’ve ever seen.”

He nodded. “The one solace accumulating years brings is the wisdom experience imparts. I spent years going on vacations that were scheduled tighter than my work regimen prescribed. I’d race from attraction to attraction, take advantage of sight-seeing or night-life at any place I happen to stay, and squeeze in some work to salve my misguided conscience. The result … I was exhausted at its conclusion. A vacation from the vacation seemed necessary. Then, I discovered this is what I needed. When I returned from a true rest, I found my productivity and creativity returned to the 150% I strive for.”

Mrs G and I had time to read our favorite magazine, Garden & Gun – Wow – what a luxury.

The Geezer rockin’ the day away on Amity Cabin’s front porch.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

While our life style was definitely not an episode of “Naked and Afraid,” we were able to commune with nature. Deer visited daily … herons, owls, hawks, martins, robins, cardinals, and a multitude of other birds flitted around us … quail whistled “bob-white” from sun-up to sun-down, and a raccoon peered through the glass front door each evening, daring me to give chase. I didn’t even bark at him … not after his first appearance. It was my chance to relax, too.

 

A magnificent magnolia blossom. – The candle holders in the photo show size – each is 5″ in diameter. These flowers’ fragrance sweeten each day at Amity.

 

Most importantly, it was away from the filth Washington and the New York media dumps on us daily. There are no (vomit) politics on the farm. There are no assassination attempts at Amity. The only ABC we saw was in books we read. The FOX we watched had four legs. The Washington Post found its best purpose … to wrap garbage.

Yep, the value of our vacation was vindicated.

 

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Do you ever wonder???

I reflect best when I ride. Some of the things I’ve wondered about recently are shared below.

A couple of days ago the Geezer and Mrs. G were running errands and took me along. They know how much I love the car. This is particularly true when we’re going somewhere … you know, like on vacation or a book signing trip. This wasn’t nearly as much fun.

The half-day was a series of short drives from uninspired stop to uninspired stop. The car would get hot after a few minutes parked in the Florida sun. It’s May. It’s 90. It’s boring! I shared this emotion with either the Geezer (most of the time) or Mrs. G as one or the other sat with me while the other performed some mundane task. The expressions on their faces said, “Ennui!” If anything, they were more bored than me!

Don’t get me wrong. I love being petted and having my ears scratched. The Geezer always has treats to reward me for just being his buddy. The windows were down in back so I could exercise my nostrils. But all these enjoyments have limits. I was bored to the point of distraction. That distraction started me wondering if other canines (and humans) wondered the same things I wonder. I’ll share a few of these wonders with you.

Do you ever wonder, if a few generations from now, human babies will be born without hands? If Darwin is correct they’ll be replaced with a cell phone on one side and a game tablet on the other. Will they be called right celled or left celled?

Do you ever wonder what television would be like if every program wasn’t a vehicle for pushing a political view or an ideological agenda? I’ve seen archaeological artifacts like, Ozzie and Harriet, Fantasy Island, and Dragnet that entertained without rubbing manure in your nose every minute.

Do you ever wonder why human ladies spend so much on the “latest style?” It would be smarter to just keep your old clothes for a long enough time so that some high-priced designer re-invented something that was done forty or fifty years ago. Hey, pants suites are now rompers. Remember the “chemise” and the “sack dress?” They’ve come back under a new title. Micro-mini skirts do keep their same title, though the Geezer calls them “water cooler stop lights.” Anybody know why? Anyway, my coat is always in style.

Do you ever wonder if we’ll get the politicians and TV anchors to settle their arguments Roman Style. In the Coliseum. Televised. With appropriate weapons. How about Sean Hannity versus Chris Mathews with battle axes? Or Hilary Clinton versus Sarah Palin with maces? Why not Ted Cruz fighting Chuck Schumer using long swords? Think of the attraction of Jon Stewart matching up with Rush Limbaugh. They can fight each other with shovels and huge piles of manure. The first one that covers and smothers the other, wins! After all, it’s these individuals creating the huge divisions in the country. Really, 75% of the people would just like them to go away.

Do you ever wonder when humans will figure out that reading is the best way to get information? Stuff on TV, in movies, or on the radio, effects people primarily based on presentation … NOT SUBSTANCE! If humans read most speeches or documentaries made on/for TV, etc. they’d learn something completely different than the quick view that’s intended to trick them. Reading actually gives you time to think and question information.

Do you ever wonder why canines are so far superior to humans as a species? No further explanation required.

I love my human. He is an inferior species, but this is even more of a reason for me to look after him.

 

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And the results are … The Geezer will win no Oscars or Emmys

It was unanimous. The Geezer won’t win an Oscar for his acting this year. He wasn’t nominated for his TV presence so that means no Emmy. I could have told you that when I tried to be the spokes-dog for his commercial.

I consider it a lost opportunity for both of us. Just think of the sales power of having his novel represented by the first canine pitch person. I’d have been a sensation. Move over Flo, your ads would no longer be progressive. I would have made the Geico Gecko just another little lizard. Shaq is a good guy, but I’m sure he’d be unemployed by the General when they took one look at my TV charisma. My delivery of “The Bait Man!” would wipe the memory of “Where’s the beef?” from even old-timers’ minds. I fit in with the mod trends. Notice how many Golden Retrievers are featured in TV commercials. I could have raised the ad (and canine gravitas) to new heights even overshadowing Duke, the Bush Beans huckster dog. Take a look at me and then picture that just slightly photogenic canine. I don’t even think his pedigree is legit.

I’d be beautiful as a spokesperson on TV! This is my official photo. Any of you agents interested?

Just so you know that this isn’t just my opinion, I decided to bring up the subject of a comparison of my talent vs the Geezer at the neighborhood convocation of the Canine Chowder and Ham-bone Marching Society. The questions to and answers from some of the attendees are below. Note, I asked the questions like most national poles. They are absolutely, positively, unfailingly stated in a manner that will elicit a unbiased, honest and uninfluenced answer. (I think)

Q. Sandy – Who do you think would be chosen as the the “top dog” TV commercial presenter in a contest? Me or the Geezer.

A. Lucy (Cocker Spaniel) – Paws down it would be you. His delivery lacks your bite and bark.

Q. Sandy – Would I be more appealing to readers with my golden glow or would the Geezer with his mortuary clothes?

A. King (German Shepard) – Ahhhh, Hummmm, Aaaaaa, I guess gold is worth more than coal on the market. Yes it would definitely, kind of would be you. Maybe.

Q. Sandy – Who do you think would impress TV viewers more? Me with my commanding expression or the Geezer with his mannerisms?

A. Manny (Chihuahua) – But of course, it is you. I think. I do not stink, I mean I do not think he could sell as many books as you, particularly to groups like ours. I do stink he might sell some books to huuumans. I mean think, I think.

There you have it. Publish the results on CNN. I’ve included a link to the commercial so you can see for yourself.

https://vimeo.com/broadcastcenter/review/214064309/e880dd40e5

I have to say it was effective for humans who, by the nature of the species, are less discerning than canines. Humans attended his appearance at the Sandman Book Company in droves! It was standing room only! I should have a pic to place here, but I’ll need help untangling it. As soon as it comes in, I’ll edit this post to show it.

At Sandman Book Company. DL Draws good crowds. This was SRO.

A quick ADDITION!  DL will be speaking at the Fort Myers Beach Public Library tomorrow at 1:30 PM. Its on Estero Blvd. His subject is the research on his book “A Place No One Should Go” – Did you know the Gulf of Mexico’s level has been 4′ higher and 2′ lower in the last 2000 years?

 

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You are all invited!

BOOK RELEASE PARTY !!

Share some pizza and wine with us!

"Open Minds - Open Books"

He believes readers are thinkers!

Join Author DL Havlin (and me) in Southwest Florida at Matlacha Menagerie 

Where?   It’s located at 4604 Pine Island Road, Matlacha

When?   Saturday, April 29,  11 AM to 3 PM

To celebrate the release of THE BAIT MAN, DL’s new suspense/thriller

A two hour or less drive from Sarasota or Marco Island

Other items you’ll see at Matlacha Menagerie

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Check out the commercial that will appear on TV

https://vimeo.com/broadcastcenter/review/214064309/e880dd40e5

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Who’s mug would you prefer to see on TV … Me or He!

 

Wouldn’t I be beautiful as a spokesperson on TV?

 

Compare this pic of the Geezer to mine above. This one might be better for scaring monsters and driving out roaches, but not on a TV commercial!

 

I need to save the Geezer from himself! They are making a regional TV commercial for the introduction of his latest novel, The Bait Man. He is planning to be the featured face in the ad … like he’s doing signings at one of the book stores that sell his books. Mistake! Who wants to look at DL? He looks like a cross between the Pillsbury Dough-boy and Santa Claus.

The Bait Man has real mystic about it … class … suspense … pizzazz … flair. That book calls for a top of the line countenance to represent it. It needs to be me in the shoot! Look at my face. See the class and charisma I exude? Sneak a peek at the Geezer. What you see there is boring balderdash.

He says they want him signing a copy of the book in the ad. I’ve explained that I can sit in a chair and hold a pen in my paw. No problem. He doesn’t have to say anything, the whole commercial is done using a professional voice-over, so he can’t complain about my bark. The publisher tells him he has to be in the commercial, or so he says. If he was modest, like me, I might believe him. He just wants to hide my starlet looks from the public I should have. Woe is me.

 

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