Meet the Manatees – my wet buddies …. Their reality show screen test

March 4, 2015 at 10:38 am | Posted in Books, dogs, Humor, life, publishing, Reading, Writing | Leave a comment
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  Meet some of my big wet friends, Mathew and Matilda Manatee. They just stopped by to say HI! Some facts about my friends … they live in the warm tropical waters around Florida and in the Caribbean. Mat and Matilda eat vegetation varying from sea grass to mangrove leaves. An adult can reach eight feet in length and weigh 500 pounds or more. They’re mammals, but can slow their heart rates to less than a beat a minute allowing them to stay submerged for long periods of time. They come into our sheltered canal each spring to make more manatees. You know – the birds and the bees thing.

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Words of wisdom from Dogfucius

February 27, 2015 at 2:49 pm | Posted in Books, dogs, Humor, life, publishing, Reading, Uncategorized, Writing | 3 Comments
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Words of wisdom from my canine cranium

Words of wisdom from my canine cranium

My human, The Geezer, often tells me how important it is to share our knowledge with others. As a respected member of DOGSA, I’ve decided to impart canine wisdom to my human readers in the hope of advancing that backward species. I will quote the great canine philosopher Dogfucius from time to time.

Dogfucius says – “Human men never complain about rain or snow at a football game, but cannot tolerate a light dew when cutting grass.

Dogfucius says – “Human women have great memory for everything that has been done to offend them, but can’t remember their weight, their age, or the last time they got a traffic ticket.

Dogfucius says – “”It is no coincidence the human spelling for big-shot and big-shit is almost the same.”

Dogfucius has spoken.

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It’s that time of year — in Southwest Florida

February 25, 2015 at 10:33 am | Posted in Books, dogs, life, publishing, Reading, Writing | 1 Comment
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The Herons have returned!

The Herons have returned!

It’s that time of year in Southwest Florida. Our nesting season has started. All five nests across the canal have been reoccupied by our expanding family of night herons. We’re interested to see if we have an additional nest of offspring who return to the mangroves where they were born. We’ve increased our rookery by one nest the past three seasons. Two pair of green herons are sprucing up their lodges interspersed in the same mangroves. We have two pair of Osprey that are building nests that are also visible from our porch. The strong winds over last few days severely damaged one nest, but mom and dad Osprey have reconstruction on full-tilt. I’ll snap some pics for you as things develop.

For all you shivering in cold climates, there is hope. Our high today is supposed to be 78F and it’s on its way toward you. Well, it may take a while…….

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What not to give your love on “V” day — Advice for human males

February 14, 2015 at 9:52 am | Posted in Books, dogs, Humor, life, publishing, Reading | 13 Comments
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"I've been close to women since birth, besides I am one."

“I’ve been close to women since birth, besides I am one.”

My human considers me a wise and knowing canine. He often refers to me as “Dogfucius,” an equivalent to Confucius. For the record, Confucius was a Chinese philosopher born in 551 B.C. that is often quoted by humans today. I’d like to point this out as proof of how little progress humans have made. However, I believe we have a responsibility to be charitable and compassionate to inferiors, so I’ll offer my sage advice on how to handle “V” day. I’ll direct my advice to human males – they need the most help. The following are things NOT TO GIVE. Understand, male humans?

1. A membership to a gym. Are you crazy? Do you know what you’re saying? You don’t tell your love, “I’m tired of looking at your fat ass!” Well, I guess that’s okay, if you don’t intend to use it.

2. Cleaning devices. Hmmmm, do you really want to tell your love her housekeeping skills aren’t that good? I don’t think so. Even if the rats and roaches are leaving your digs pass on that one. Besides, old boys – what do you do to help maintain the garbage heap?

3. “Fifty shades of Grey” May sound like a good gift at first, but think how she might interpret that particular book. She might ask, “Is he sending a message to me? Isn’t he getting what he wants?” The next time you come home late from work, expect the question, “Where have you really been?” Besides, think about how many times she lied and said, “That was great,” after a three stroke special.

4. A month’s subscription to one of those food plans promising to make her look like Marie Osmond. Look at my advice in #1 and double it. Besides, she might come out looking like Dan Marino. That’s not a good thought for you hetros.

5. Sex toys. Delivers one of two messages … or maybe both. Are you really that lazy? Have you lost that much interest? Really! Maybe you should consider an amputation.

6. A fishing trip to “Hog Shit’s Fish Camp and Grocery,” in Boondocks Out, Arkansas, particularly if she don’t fish. That includes a shotgun if she doesn’t hunt, golf clubs, a poker visor with mirror, etc. Women aren’t that dumb. Just go buy something for yourself an have the b—s to own up to it. Would you like it if she bought you Tampax? (PS- I have heard there’s good fishing at Hog Shit’s place. You might want to go there, solo.)

7. That giant screen TV, vibrating recliner, etc. This is one those, “Make sure its more for her than for you, sucka,” kind of gifts. Remember, she’s going to be making decisions based on what she gives and under what circumstances. Sucka.

8. Anything after 7PM on “V” day that isn’t spectacular. Spectacular – that’s a BMW, a week at Sandals, a necklace of four carats or more, that kind of thing. Anything else requires, groveling, profuse apologies, and offers to kiss the body part of her choice.

9. All gifts that aren’t accompanied by legitimate respect, friendship, fidelity and affection. That’s what women really want.

All you human males think about my advice. I know that is particularly difficult for your species and gender, but give it a shot.  Oh, if this advice is helpful or amusing, pass it on to others and have them visit my site.

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Why do some people hate puppies?

January 28, 2015 at 11:57 am | Posted in Advertising, Books, Current events, dogs, News, publishing, Reading, Uncategorized, Writing | 9 Comments
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Back when I was a puppy ......

Back when I was a puppy ……

The Internet and TV are alive with a controversy. Is being a puppy a crime? Does it matter where you come from? It seems that featuring a puppy in a Go-Daddy commercial that doesn’t strictly conform to a portion of the public’s belief system, is causing all kinds of consternation. I can identify with the star of the commercial; I looked a lot like ‘em when I was that age. See my picture above? The poor pup’s debut in the Super Bowl ad is cancelled!

The last ten seconds of the ad were … ah … let’s not call it stupid, but I can’t find a better synonym right now. Who is the advertising agency appealing to, the Marquis De Sade? Those humans on Madison Avenue are supposed to be geniuses. Right? I guess if your hat size and IQ are within a few points they qualify.

With that said, how can a commercial get some folks’ panties wadded up so tight? (Glad I’m canine and don’t wear them.) I came from a breeder. They’re not all evil like the tone of much of the doggie poop I see on the I-net would have you believe. My breeder slept on the floor with my brothers, sisters, and mommy to get us used to living with humans, insisted on interviewing prospective families, and helped match our traits to the house we’d soon call our own.

Think of the poor puppy in the commercial. A career that could rival Lassie’s or Rin Tin Tin’s has been sidelined. The dangers that puppy faced: trains, no planes, but automobiles. Neither rain or sore paws could dampen her or his acting effort. Leave it to snarky narrow-viewed humans to louse things up. Oh well, you expect it from the species.

The decision is made

My humans, the Geezer and Mrs. G at their interview … I picked them.

 

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Color doesn’t matter to canines … Another reason why dogs are better than humans …

January 17, 2015 at 10:23 am | Posted in Books, Current events, Uncategorized | 8 Comments
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Sorry, I'm on my soap box today.

Sorry, I’m on my soap box today.

One of the greatest things about being a dog is that we don’t care about color. No, we’re not color blind. We just don’t have the weakness that humans suffer from … over reaction to the shade that something exhibits. They get very emotional about the whole thing.

Take red for example. They give it all sorts of traits it doesn’t have. Humans equate it with stop. Why? Something green like a cactus might mean you want to stop before touching. Red’s the color humans have assigned to be associated with sex. Think about it: Red dress, Red-light district … When a lady changes the color of her night gown from pink to red it isn’t because she’s dreaming of eating chicken soup for lunch.

This is one of those things I could get preachy over so I’ll cut to the most important difference I see between humans and canines AND one of those things that make us so superior to humans.

Like canines, humans come in all sorts of colors and shades. The crazy part is that humans react emotionally to those colors without any logic to what they say and do. Certain colors mean certain things to them and they refuse to look at the members of their own species objectively. Other dogs don’t look at me as a friend or enemy because of my golden coat. White dogs don’t look at black dogs and make a negative value judgment. And the reverse of that is true. What counts in canine relations is how that individual treats us. We don’t want to be denied OR given credit for what we do because we are a different shade than the canine next store. It’s what we do not the way we look that’s important to the way we dogs interact.

To bad humans are slow learners – they could improve themselves if they just watch us more carefully.

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Okay, two more days —

January 7, 2015 at 7:41 am | Posted in Books, dogs, Humor, Reading, Writing | 2 Comments
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I'm a raindeer - Did I fool anyone?

I’m a raindeer – Did I fool anyone?

All right – I hear you.  I convinced the Geezer to leave his story, Claus and the Consultant posted on his blog page for two more days. If you haven’t read it yet, try it, you’ll like it. Visit him at    http://www.dlhavlin.wordpress.com     It takes about ten minutes to read, but you’ll find it ten of the best minutes you’ve spent this week.

A Gift of laughter from Sandy and the Geezer —-

December 15, 2014 at 3:24 pm | Posted in Books, Christmas, holidays, Reading | 1 Comment
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Merry Christmas!

The Geezer and I wish you all a very "Merry Christmas"

The Geezer and I wish you all a very “Merry Christmas”

The Geezer and I have a present for you and your friends. It’s a package of laughs in the form of a blog post named “Claus and the Consultant.” Learn what happens when Santa seeks help from an efficiency expert. Visit my human’s blog to read it  —-  http://www.dlhavlin.wordpress.com  —- and enjoy. (There’s a link on this page)  Spread the joy to friends and associates.

 

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List #3 for Santa … for my canine friends—

December 10, 2014 at 9:20 am | Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments
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Sandy looking for Santa

Sandy looking for Santa

I’ve decided I’d better get some more requests off to Santa. This is especially for my canine friends.

For Lucy, one of the neighborhood cocker spaniels – access to her human’s birth control pills. She literally needs litter relief

For Boog and Boob the twin beagles three doors down – Voice lessons by some qualified professional. Santa, Think Celine Dion and Frank Sinatra types, not Lady Gaga or Bruce Springsteen clones. I need some sleep.

For Peter the pointer – The knowledge to know that anything long and black lying on the ground should not be chewed on … that includes snakes, hoses, and heavy duty electric cords. Particularly, electric cords. Very, very much, electric cords.

Also for Peter the Pointer – Hair pieces for bald spots acquired from not having the proper knowledge referred to in the item above.

For Manny my Chihuahua friend – Either longer rear legs or the wisdom to stop dating Great Danes and St. Bernards.

Hang in there Santa, I’ve got more coming!

PS – My human will be posting one of his most popular Christmas stories on his blog tomorrow! It’s had thousands of views in the past – Claus and the Consultant. Click on the link on my post or go to http://www.dlhavlin.wordpress.com

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My Christmas lists #2 – Some tough ones for Santa

December 3, 2014 at 10:17 am | Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment
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Here’s my second installment for Santa. I plan to mail this off immediately since these wishes will take some time.

#1 – For the store owners and other innocents damaged by looting and malicious destruction of property in Ferguson – Santa how about getting Missouri’s Governor and/or the Federal Government to provide grants to those harmed by the thugs rioting in that city. State and Federal executive branches did little to nothing to stop a predictable disaster and in some cases made it worst by fanning the flames with their emissaries. Don’t we give billions in foreign aid to Middle East countries that hate us? Seems we could re-channel some of that to our Midwest.

#2 – For all the rotund humans I know – Santa ask some prestigious university to develop a “calorie sucker.” It has to be strictly mechanical, not one of those pills that has 45 seconds of a 60 second advertisement explaining the various ways the side effects can kill you. You might start looking at MIT, Santa. I understand at least one of their professors might be looking for side jobs. The guy’s big mouth might be an advantage when testing treated food.

#3 – For those who rely on movies and TV for their entertainment – Santa, please, please, please bring them some actors and actresses who realize there’s more to their profession than being a shill for an agenda and taking their clothes off; writers who don’t keep copying Lord of the Rings, Hunger Games, Dumb and Dumber, Friends, Twilight, and NCIS; directors who lose the keys to the pyrotechnic locker and don’t try to find a new way for flesh to rot off a skeleton; and producers who never have heard of “reality series” and are more interested in entertaining folks than indoctrinating them.

I know those are tough Santa, but do your best.

PS – Santa check my humans blog for his appearance and speaking schedule – dlhavlin.wordpress.com

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