You too, Brutus? Humans … #@$&#@

January 18, 2016 at 4:47 pm | Posted in Books, dogs, Humor, life, publishing, Reading, Writing | 3 Comments
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I'm considering camping out in the car so he can't leave without me.

I’m considering camping out in the car so he can’t leave without me.

Just when believe you can trust a person’s word you get crushed! I had finally decided my HUMAN is a magnanimous king. I’ll need to reconsider, the Geezer is only a court jester.

He promised he’d take me with him on his speaking trips when he traveled. He speaks with forked tongue. He’s full of it. Hot air. Bull shit. He’s the cat that ate the canary. He’s … He’s … He’s … I was going to say he’s as bad as a politician, but nobody’s that low except for one of those professional liars.

The Geezer had told me, “Sandy, this year I’m going to take you with me when I go on book signing trips and personal appearances every time I’ll be gone for a few days. You love riding in the car. You do fine in the hotels and I can find places that don’t discriminate against canines. You’re on the travel team!”

“Woofee!!!” I said.

Guess what? The first trip of the year and I’m going to be left with the dog sitter. Isn’t that a pile human manure? The conversation went like this:

“Sandy, may I talk to you?” He had that I’m about to steal your favorite toy look plaster all over his ancient wrinkled gnarly face.

I said, “No, I don’t want to buy the Brooklyn Bridge. I don’t care how much of a discount you’re giving me.”

He looked at the floor like (to quote an old southern slang saying), an egg suckin’ dog. “I … well … Mrs. G and I … a … well … and … you know I’m speaking this weekend.” He stammered and turned pink. “I’m going to have to leave you home.”

“What! What!” I ran to the bedroom to try to get under the bed. I hadn’t done that since I was a pup. It didn’t work. There’s a big difference getting a twelve pound puppy body under that frame than my current eighty-five pound carcass. “How could you?” I said as he followed me.

“I didn’t have a choice … I forgot that the first over-nighter is a cruise.” A cruise? A cruise! He saw my now really disappointed expression. “Sandy, they won’t let me take you. It’s rules you know.”

“That’s no excuse, you could sneak me aboard in a suitcase. I won’t let out a whimper.”

The Geezer looked guilty of dog-slaughter. “I don’t have a big enough suitcase.”

I said, “Buy a bigger one.”

“I don’t know where to find one.” His face changed to 2nd degree dogacide. “Besides … think about it. There’s no grass.”

“I can back up to the railing. I’ll just feed the fishes.”

Now his sad schmuck face was guilty in the first degree. “Think of getting seasick. It would be terrible.”

I pouted a few seconds then exclaimed, “Chihuahua SHIT!”

He looked so bad; it was time. I waited for what I knew would come. “I feel so bad Sandy. What can I do to make it up to you?”

I answered, “Shall we say sirloin for two weeks?”

 

Note: the Geezer is off for a sail and will teach a seminar. Visit his web site, http://www.dlhavlin.com for details.

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To error is canine…to make excuses is human…

September 18, 2012 at 3:13 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 7 Comments
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My human’s life isn’t complicated.  I’m sure the Geezer might disagree with me; you know how human’s are always whining.   He let’s the littlest things interfere with his life and my fun. Let me share a couple of examples with you.

Before he left on his tour, leaving me and Mrs. G here to boot for ourselves, he had one of those minor problems that he lets control his activities.  He bent over to pick up a spoon off of the floor.  When he straightened up, I’ve never heard so much wailing.  Not even my cat half-bro Oreo makes screams like that when he gets his tail caught under the rollers on a chair or in my teeth.  “Aaaaggggghhhhh!…Oh shit!  Not before my trip!” the old boy screamed.

I’m not swearing this is true, but I thought I heard Mrs. G asking him about doing a few chores before he left.  You should have seen him.  He was bent over from the waist, staring at the ground like he was hunting for fishing worms.  This guy should have won the Oscar for portrayal of an ambulance case.  Excuses, excuses.

In the off chance that the Geezer wasn’t acting, it just proves another thing we canines and most of the rest of the animal world knows…four legs are better than two.  We dogs don’t need chiropractors, surgeons, or Ben-Gay.  Guess what…there was no game of “get it” that day.   (That’s when a trained human throws a ball so we canines can get it.)

Another example happened today.  Mind you, this was his first day back.  I was raring to go for our walk. a walk I’d missed for 12 days.  The sun rose, but my human didn’t.  That’s very unusual.  He normally stumbles from his bed around 4:30 each morning, mumbles a string of unintelligible words and staggers to the coffee maker.  There he concocts the vile blackened water he’s so fond of drinking, something I’d say would be more fitting as a punishment than a daily high-point.

When he was still prone in his bed as the first rays of light illuminated his gray hair, I decided to get him moving.  A long stripe of fresh dog-slobber applied with my raspy tongue applied cheek to cheek awakens the dead.  Sure enough, the Geezer’s eyes opened a tiny bit.  He mumbled  something I didn’t understand and rolled over so his face was turned away from me.  The Geezer was going to be difficult.  I hopped up on the bed, stood over him and reapplied the slobber.  He repeated the response clear enough for me to understand this time.  He said, “I got jet-lag, let me sleep.”

Can you believe that!  He believes he got sick from riding in a jet plane.  I wonder what “jet bacteria” looks like under a microscope.  No amount of poking, licking or pawing could get him up to take me on my walk.  If excuses were money there isn’t a human that’s ever been born that wouldn’t be insanely rich.

http://www.dlhavlin.com

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